what are you thinking about?

Like a ghost don't need a key
Your best friend I've come to be
Please don't think of getting up for me
You don't even need to speak
When I've been here for just one day
You'll already miss me if I go away
So close the blinds and shut the door
You won't need other friends anymore

Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home

If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home

And I arrived when you were weak
I'll make you weaker, weaker still
Now all your love you give to me

When your heart is all I need

Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home

If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home

Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be
When it's just you and little me
Everything is clear and everything is new
So you won't be leaving will you

Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home

If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home

~ don't leave home- dido.

here with me

I didnt hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
I dont want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
Ill do what I want
But I cant hide
I wont go
I wont sleep
I cant breathe
Until youre resting here with me
I wont leave
I cant hide
I cannot be
Until your resting here with me

I dont want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I cant leave this bed
Risk forgetting all thats been

Oh I am what I am
Ill do what I want
But I cant hide
I wont go
I wont sleep
I cant breathe
Until youre resting here with me
I wont leave
I cant hide
I cannot be
Until your resting here with me
~dido

to be invited

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will cahse after her loveres but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them (Hos. 2:6-7)

And then...

I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her. (Hos. 2:14)

...appreciate everything that you have, the sun early in the morning and the breeze at night, they are all gifts and I understood faith before, but now I feel like I know that which I understood (there is a difference) and to take that leap, to take that leap is absolutely amazing.

Oh la!

Well, its all just a little bit of history repeating.

mmm ready??? go!

It's been a long journey, actually...not that long
its been short but filled with it all, and the greatest part of all, I must say is knowing myself through the struggle, not settling for...I quit, or I am not enough, but knowing that there is something better on the other side of the bridge, so I will keep running, I will keep smiling and I will gather strength from within because that is where it all begins. From within, the desires and the dreams and the wishes that belong to me, that where embedded in me, are there for a reason and I will not settle and I will find my way and there is something amazing waiting.
The hardest thing to undersand for me has been, knowing how to balance those desires and beliefs with trust. Knowing that I ultimately have no control over things and that I need to know how to trust, that has been the hardest part. Giving in to trust has been such a hard challenge, but I think I'm there and let me tell you, that I'm understanding and that if I- the most impatient person in the world- have learned to trust, that you can too and once you do, beauty takes over.
This life is so much harder than they paint it to be, it has so much more than we think we can handle, but if we just trust... we find ourselves back in the utter faithfulness and a radiating light waiting to shine from within our soul...are you smiling at yourself? Bc, I can't seem to stop smiling at myself and this new found understanding.
I'm standing right where I want to be.

never stare at a pot of water waiting to boil

...because it won't...
The moment you turn around and prevent yourself from watching it...it will boil
and that is a fact...take it from me, the most impatient person in the world I know!

ay ay ay....I love saying that...ay ay ay
does it ever happen to you that you are about to start speaking about something and then you breathe in deeply and you exhale and you go...eh...not really worth it?

my hair smelled like cotton candy the other day and then I wanted some, so I ate marshmallows, but it was so not the same thing.
I like it when my room smells pretty, makes it harmonious.

I'll stop beating around the bush... I hate that expression, ha, ill stop going around in circles...better
you know what expression I really like, jack squat, haha, how funny is that! jack squat, delightful!
anyway, I'm about to go clean out my locker in the art school and the other day I cleaned out my mail box, my screen from fibers, I took the name of off everything that "belonged" to me here at the art school. I hugged my professors good-bye because I won't be seeing them anymore, not even in the hallways, and it feels like such a ritual. Everything from the motions of taking everything away, not leaving a mark, the emotions, its just such a ritual of closure and it feels so definite.
I mean, it doesn't sadden me terribly because I can feel the energy from the great year that is about to come, and I get so excited. I feel like I'm ready for the decisions that are next and I want them, I want whatever is next to come, but, this part of my life...I'm finishing the chapter, writing the last sentence and I don't know how long before I go back and re-read it.
All happens for a reason and I finish happily. I finish with strength and confidence that I am not giving up, because I fulfilled everything to the best of my abilities and I think this has been the hardest but my best semester yet, So it isn't failure, it is simply embracing what I have gained and knowing that I was meant for more, or for different things and so I walk away happily :).

I walked on a ledge today

and I smiled because I was faced with myself, that little girl that I so utterly wish to protect and hold on to, because in a way I have never stopped being her and because of the situations in my life, I feel it is my duty to keep protecting her, because she was woken up to this life, way too early on....so I faced myself and this time I did not hide. I kept on walking and smiled because it was such a great little moment.
You know, most of us spend our lives thinking about what is next, or what to do, or we think about the future, or what we would change about the past, and so, this stops us from being in the present, we don't realize that every second gone, is never to come back and when we stop thinking, we "hate" ourselves for thinking about living and not actually living. These past weeks have been a test, a transformation of my feelings and ideas, and as painful as they have been, I have emerged and it fills me up with joy to know that it has been because of my faith and because of the wonderful people in my life.
And today, I caught myself stepping unto that ledge and walking on it trying not to lose my balance, and I realized that it had been done unconciously, that I was present in the moment and my heart simply desired to walk on that ledge. And, that is such a great discovery, because after all, I have not lost myself, I am not hiding, and, what a great little moment to catch myself at, and the best part is that that moment is mine (well I'm sharing it now) but, its a precious little moment that makes the relationship between my mind and my soul just... better.
... it is not that we deserve the things we are granted in our lives, it is that our actions determine whether we will be granted something or not, in other words...karma, and that, is a beautiful thought and it puts me at ease.

lent season is over!

Happy easter everyone
40 days of suffering and 3 pounds lighter, over!
I can have all the soda in the world I want again, and the best feeling is that I had it again, and I definitely still loooove it.
No but, beyond that, because that makes me sound really shallow,
I really enjoy the lent season because it puts things in perspective and makes me have a small glimpse into just how great Christ is and much I utterly believe and feel renewed and happy and joyous to know that I stand in his light.
I think that even if we don't have big celebrations or we find ourselves forced to be away from our families, we should nonetheless celebrate and know that we are all blessed and we are all greatly loved.
So yay to a great, cold, but great, easter :)

Oh man!

Women studies
Art History
French
& Stats
WATCH OUT BECAUSE HERE I COME!!!
Suuuuuuch a dork because I'm
soooooooo excited but it will be
ohhhhhhhh so good
:) :) :) :)

never

have my words been so useless, never have my words held no meaning, never have I understood that failed attempts are actually more of a victory.
I'd like to say that at least we are now even
but I'm not actually like that.
I will just take things as they come
and enjoy the fact that today I feel like dancing.

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for the moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with your crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
baby won't you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.
john mayer

song of the day

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

:)
There are situations in our lives that make us realize that indeed we are not perfect, we have it all yet, we are nothing but human and that right there, is a lot to say; we are simply human. In a sense I feel like I have hit rock bottom in many situations. I however am not depressed ready to hide myself from the world, I am not ready to cry and crawl under the covers hoping that time will pass faster than it already does. And, I wish that people would stop assuming what it is I feel, what it is I think, what my intentions are. Honestly, what you see is what you get, I am nothing more than what I present to the world. Anyway, I am simply learning, you know, many times people have told me, life may hurt you and beat you and come at you like hard punches, but it will not throw you to the ground, don't let it. I don't think I have, I am learning but I am also at peace with myself, I have followed my beliefs and I have stood for myself and if I let you think that I am weak, its because I would rather take the punches that betray my insticnt of compassion and in the end, I have not stopped being myself. I think our authentic self arises from the situations we encounter. We change, we grow and mature but our essence is always existant, that essence never changes and that is who we really are, no one and nothing can take that away from us. Unless we let them of course, my essence is beautiful and divine and that I am convinced about. So many people find the need to bring me down or try to blame me for situations that I cannot control and then they expect me not to hurt but, it does hurt, you cannot go out pouring anger to the world and expect people to understand you and have sympathy for you, it hurts them, I don't know how that idea is not clear enough for people.
ultimately, because I am human, I have made mistakes, and I know that my actions/words have hurt people, but I am not about to sit here and destroy myself for that, I feel confident that, even though it takes me a while to admit to those mistakes, I do, and I apologize. I do not want the past, however, I forgive everything that has happened, I want to forget and surrender to this continuing life, and have faith, above all just have faith.
I think our biggest problem is that we try to hide the fact that we all carry our hearts in our hands and all we are ultimately looking for is to love and be loved, to be given the opportunity to care for someone unconditionally and in the same way have someone take care of us.