me. I used to think that everybody else dealt with problems except for me. I used to thing that people were fools to view life as this problematic journey of complexity and adversity because it only meant that they were not enjoying their life and that, whatever they were dealing with could not be THAT terrible.
I was in denial...she says confidently...not. the truth is people, I suffer from denial, I refuse to see that there is anything bad going on in my life because when I face it it hits me like a 1000 bricks and the worst part of getting up...is falling down.
I however, am a recovering denialist :) I think I just made up a word, but you know what I mean, the point being, I learned the lesson about myself.
It sadly took about a month but I did. I see that turning your back to what might hurt you, only weakens you. It's like not excercising, its not only bad, but it actually worsens your physical health. And, I have years of denial behing me where I did not train myself to deal with the problem and the pain until in cornered me. Silly Ana is quite silly isn't she. I discovered that I need to retrieve and deal with it on my own, if there is one great thing about me (arronant I know) is that I have an incredible connection with my inner self. I don't make a move without consulting with my inner self, It's quite amazing really, I live in my body and that might sound stupid to some, but really, how many people do you know that dont feel like 2 people, themselves and their body?
So i listened to my body's need, my souls need and I ended up seeking, but more than anything this week I found the glorious gift of being sought. Of putting myself out there and saying, I am seeking, I refuse to be in denial but I also refuse to believe that there is no way out and that there is nothing better than worrying and complaining and...it worked. there are absolutely no words to be able to describe these sentiments, there are no words to describe the feeling of finding myself again, and to know that I am picked, that just like I seek, I am being sought. And what a great word...seek.
It has got to be one of my favorite words in the whole entire world.
I would advise you...not push you...but advise you to understand that word fully and find a way to make it a part of your world, ask to be sought, see what happens... :)
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
ohh thee
at last, we find each other again...to tell you the truth I've been scared to come back and face you, which in a way means, that I fear facing myself. And, I guess I admit to it, the truth is, I fear my thoughts, I fear having to look at what I write and realize that its something that hurts, realize that for more than I would like to suppress it, my words would only talk about pain and an aching heart. As they say...better out than in and so it seems like the right time, the time to be sincere and the time to reveal to myself that no I am not as strong as I presume to be and that as much as vunerability is a weakness in my eyes, it might just be one of my biggest traits.
Vulnerability however, implies a comparison. You have to be viewed in the eyes of somebody as such...in this case, I've never liked to be viewed as vulnerable, but, does that not imply that I have been living to please others not myself? and if so, how and when did I compromise myself to such a situation?
I dont think that vulnerability has to be a bad thing, it is said that we should be vulnerable in the eyes of God because that is how we will walk to him and find love and support in him.
But it hurts to know that the person we aim to please the most, and not because we look for something in return, not because we expect to be reassured, simply because we believe that we owe our actions to that person...sees us as weak, as not ready for life, as perhaps and and strong as these words are, they may just be true...as not good enough.
It's crazy to think that as we grow up we are not affected by the things we don't see or feel. We believe that all that we ignore is because it isn't there, because it cannot touch us, yet, life is so complex, feelings are so complex and if only I could go back to the time were no one would see weakness in me, because, I would for sure, take notes on what I might have been doing right, and not for anyone else, but, for my own peace.
I think a bad sentiment, something that weighs on us is like a little tiny pebble in our shoe, we can keep walking, we can even run and ignore it for the longest time. Ultimately, however, it's still there and it can cause great damage, it can even ruin a sock...
Once I met a man that told me that through life I was going to face many difficulties and that I would struggle with this sense of duality...I never knew what he meant.
Now I see that I care too much about what people may think of me and my abilities and that my biggest fear is to be seen as weak in their eyes, especially when its someone who I care about, oh man... they should make pills for this :)
Vulnerability however, implies a comparison. You have to be viewed in the eyes of somebody as such...in this case, I've never liked to be viewed as vulnerable, but, does that not imply that I have been living to please others not myself? and if so, how and when did I compromise myself to such a situation?
I dont think that vulnerability has to be a bad thing, it is said that we should be vulnerable in the eyes of God because that is how we will walk to him and find love and support in him.
But it hurts to know that the person we aim to please the most, and not because we look for something in return, not because we expect to be reassured, simply because we believe that we owe our actions to that person...sees us as weak, as not ready for life, as perhaps and and strong as these words are, they may just be true...as not good enough.
It's crazy to think that as we grow up we are not affected by the things we don't see or feel. We believe that all that we ignore is because it isn't there, because it cannot touch us, yet, life is so complex, feelings are so complex and if only I could go back to the time were no one would see weakness in me, because, I would for sure, take notes on what I might have been doing right, and not for anyone else, but, for my own peace.
I think a bad sentiment, something that weighs on us is like a little tiny pebble in our shoe, we can keep walking, we can even run and ignore it for the longest time. Ultimately, however, it's still there and it can cause great damage, it can even ruin a sock...
Once I met a man that told me that through life I was going to face many difficulties and that I would struggle with this sense of duality...I never knew what he meant.
Now I see that I care too much about what people may think of me and my abilities and that my biggest fear is to be seen as weak in their eyes, especially when its someone who I care about, oh man... they should make pills for this :)
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