Here is to...

remembering to not take life so seriously and to taking the time to laugh at ourselves...outloud.

Just own it.

It's always about the damn songs

I never ever knew what you meant by the songs. I always wished they meant something, but I know they never did.

I don't care to read between the lines

but all the damn songs... I strip them apart and try to put them back together because maybe then it would all make sense and I wouldn't have to start back at square one every time life makes me encounter you and your songs. And I don't know why life insists on said encounters.

It's in the cards

My sister and I have always been really good and sensing the future. Call it intuition or simply a strong ability to understand the energy around us, but we get it right every time... so much that it's even a little scary.

My dream ever since I can remember...at least ever since I was capable of setting 'plausible dreams' as goals for myself has been to travel the world. I would give anything to set foot on every country in this world and meet the people, see amazing things and I just know that I would not be able to find a place I didn't like. I know that I would fall in love with every culture, every language...everything.

There really are no words to describe this intense desire to experience something so much different than myself, to be challenged by it and to work hard to understand it. I sometimes feel like this desire does not even stem from my heart but it is so much bigger than I...almost as if it were destiny and everything that I am doing right now is just prepping me for it.

I cannot wait :)

I love talented people. I love meeting individuals who inspire without realizing that they do.
The hardest part of not being in school anymore is that I don't get to be surrounded by intellectuals, 'go-getters' and driven individuals everyday. It really wears on me by Wednesday or Thursday...

I tread lightly these days.

Good People

I like to think that the people that come into our lives encounter us not by chance but by the mere reason that destiny had long ago decided that at that given moment our paths were meant to meet. I LOVE THAT. Isn't that kind of exciting to think about? Our paths are meant to cross at a specific moment in time.

I'm packing all my stuff because I am getting ready to move back to Ann Arbor, Michigan where I will be starting a new job August 3rd. I am incredibly excited and surprisingly calm about the whole thing. It's almost unreal, I had three weeks to get myself ready for the move, but everything has fallen into place so perfectly and it just feels right. After the uncertainty I have been through these past few months, I have a really good feeling about this change. New start.

In all this...I have been packing and finding little things here and there that remind me of wonderful people. Things that remind me that we really do need each other to get through life and that remind me that there really are good people in this world.
My favorite thing in the world is when you see someone you haven't seen in forever and you walk away thinking...wow, I really miss that person in my life. I think feelings are mutual 99.00% of the time.

Super random but there was a guy that I met in college while I was in art school. We had a lot of classes together, so we were familiar with each other but we were never really friends. In fact...he was kind of a douche (classy word...I know), not liked by many...I kind of stayed away from him now that I think about it. But anyway... he was a really talented writer. He was one of those people that you could totally see through the cockiness and see that he was really someone just dying to be recognized and applauded for his talent. When you are in art school, you are criticized and scrutinized for everything you do, every second of the day. Even better...you start to think that you know who deserves to be there and who doesn't. I never gave him credit for being in the art school but I always admired his talent for writing. I randomly ran into his blog this morning and I am dying to see the day the world discovers him. I am rooting for him all the way because that is some raw, innate talent and and amazing passion for the film industry.

It was just kind of a good moment of the day. It was good to see that for some people, passion never dies :)

I can't wait to see who I get to meet next and what I will learn from them.

In summary

I belong to everything that I've been through.

- Groove Armada

Daumier's Third-Class Carriage

Honoré Daumier was a French printmaker, recognized as one of the greatest caricaturist of the 19th century. His career was focused around the culture of the working class people, and, he was an essential part to the reconfiguration of popular culture and the undoing of the bourgeois hegemony that had been created around the working class. His work granted the voice of ‘the people’ center stage.
Unlike his contemporaries, artists like Manet and Caillebotte, who focused on the spectacle and grandeur of Hausmannization, Daumier emerged as a member of the lower- class and represented aspects of life for this social group in his work. Mostly known for his satirical work targeting political figures and bourgeois culture, Daumier takes on a somber attitude in his painting, Third-Class Carriage completed around 1862. His painting style, the reflection of his disinterest for bourgeois culture, is untrained and uneducated. Although the artist’s intentions are difficult to decipher, this painting is successful in articulating a realistic scene because he consciously strips his work of anything having to do with High-Art, presenting a clear depiction of working class life, as he knows it. His choice of subject matter grants us quite a unique and rarely seen perspective of life in Paris, France during the period of Industrialization.
Daumier received little training as an artist; his career was mainly focused on lithography and caricatures. As such, the Third-Class Carriage reflects the same stylistic techniques found in his caricatures. According to Scharf, author of “Daumier The Painter,” most of Daumier’s paintings were undated and unsigned. By comparing this painting to his lithographic works, however, a date can be estimated to the early 1860’s. This specific image was never actually finished, but corresponds closely to a watercolor of 1864.
Although Daumier never made a big name for himself in the art world, he was well known for his philosophical attitude. His imprisonment in August 1832 at St. Pelagíe for the creation of a caricature showing King Louis Phillipe as Gargantua, marked a definite change in his life. According to Elizabeth Cary, author of “Daumier’s Unconquerable Soul,” Daumier came out as an artist of stamp and originality, which reflected in his works. As Sharf explains, Daumier gave the world the poetry of the radicals not a mirrored image of the world the average bourgeois felt he owned. Thus, his work, along with the work of Courbet and Millet, reflects the beginnings of modern art; it rejected notions of bourgeois culture and worked against art critics’ expectations of the time.
In the Third-Class Carriage, Daumier speaks an invisible truth about urban life in the period of industrialization. When we imagine Paris during the later part of the 19th century, we imagine a world of spectacle and leisure. The ‘Hausmannization’ of Paris during the 1860’s re-invented the city into a well-organized modern metropolis. The wide boulevards, shops and tall bourgeois apartments characteristic of Paris today, were all the result of this transformation. New railroad stations connecting the city to the countryside provided the opportunity for weekend leisure. All Parisians, however, did not enjoy the new dawning in Paris and the benefits of development.
Daumier’s painting, for example, reflects a brutally honest truth of life for the working class, even when they traveled. He does not have to work hard at arriving at this truth, as a member of the working class he knows exactly what it looks like, but he does use stylistic conventions to portray his message better. The Third-Class Carriage speaks of no luxury; there is no room for the leisure in this image. It depicts a cluster of working-class people packed into what reads as a dirty train carriage. There is little movement; in fact most figures do not recognize that they are being observed; several of them are even turned away from the viewer. Unlike, The Uprising, completed in 1848, another painting by Daumier, which reads as dynamic and menacing to the conservative regime in place, this image is subdued. It gives us a world of anonymous figures that sit quietly, and suffer the discomfort of their travels silently. It is evocative because of the passive quality of the subject matter in which we realize that modernity does not better life for everybody; some people will always be socially and economically disfranchised.
Daumier’s background in lithography provided him with a different set of tools than those available to other painters. It is almost as if he attempted to translate a print-image unto a painting. The paint is laid in what can be described as a ‘naïve manner.’ The marks of brushstrokes are evident, especially in the black used to exemplify the old and ragged train carriage, as well as the worn hats, suitcases and clothes. Black lines outline the contours of the figures in the image. These lines are somewhat grotesque; they are thick and aggressive, only elevating the “primitiveness” by which we understand this image. There are brutal transitions from dark to light; the figures emerge from the shadows with a few hints of light touching their somber faces.
The abstract rendition of the faces lets us understand that these are all anonymous characters. Daumier modeled figures through shadows and changes in tonality, a technique that is impossible to imitate. His ability to close in on the figures while providing the viewer with a notion of anonymity and unimportance of their character is astonishing. Most of the figures in the image have the essential facial features necessary to create the proper illusion but if we look closely, they are almost mask like. According to Scharf, Daumier tended to model subjects in clay as models from which he would draw and paint. This is why his figures in the painting have a fleshy quality to them, as if their faces were easily malleable or as if they had been squeezed and molded into shape by hand.
The sienna tinted background is dull. It serves to articulate the plain walls and roof of the train carriage, while bringing the figures to the foreground. As Scharf expresses in his essay, “ The sun never shines in Daumier’s paintings.” Although a dramatic light illuminates the figures, the atmosphere that he creates in the image is melancholic. We need only look at the expression on some of the faces to understand their resignation. The scene provides a sense of the old and rustic. The emotion and sense of tragedy that is evoked in the image is created through the atmosphere that envelops the figures. By limiting his color palette to browns and blacks he creates a monotonous environment inside the cart only relieved by the light coming in through the window. The color on the benches and walls of the train cart are faded. The clothes on the figures look worn and faded, even dirty. Through this unusual technique– only paralleled by Courbet and Millet– Daumier’s power and originality in the arts comes form his ability to depict and create a clear understanding that what we are looking at is an image of working class people; we do not question it.
The painting is small in scale making the image intimate. By focusing on a very specific moment, time, and place, it begs the viewer to come close and observe the figures that make part of the image. The most interesting figure is the elderly woman in the center of the composition; she almost divides the image in half. She sits tiredly, yet her expression is somewhat dignified. Her eyes become the focal point of the picture as she invites us in with her gaze, emerging from the shadows and given center-stage by the soft light that illuminates her.
Social classes during the 19th century determined how people lived and interacted with each other. Modernization increased the standard of living for Parisians, but it also widened the wealth gap. People were distinguished and characterized by their occupations, education, dress and culture. All factors in this painting point to the characterization of working class people. These people were most likely workers in manufacturing, service industries, hand-crafters; they depended on wages and their physical skills. The figures seem to know and understand some kind of reality that the bourgeois individuals in Caillebotte’s or Manet’s paintings cannot even begin to comprehend. This is especially true of the elderly woman; her expression seems to suggest that she knows modernity does not bring leisure and comfort to everyone, even when traveling.
The Third-Class Carriage does not read as an image of leisure or provide a notion of individuals about to experience the world. During the 19th c. third-class carriages had five seats to each wooden bench. In comparison, first class carriages were comfortable, had plush armrests on the chairs and sat three people per bench. Second class travelers had soft seats but did not have armrests on their chairs. The display and marvel of modernization only reached so far; Hausmannization actually led to the eviction of the working class from the center of the city down to the outskirts. We can therefore imagine that these individuals could be making their way from home into the center of the city to earn their hourly wage.
It is interesting to notice that most of the men in the carriage wear top hats. A secondary effect of ‘Hausmmanization’ was the creation of a passive society preoccupied with appearance and consumerism. During the latter part of the 19th century, top hats were associated with the upper classes and understood as symbols of respectability. Top hats however, became popular among all classes, even work-men wore them. Their hats were simply made of inexpensive materials such as rabbit fur. In the midst of a society that was developing around the culture of ‘appearance’ it would not be far-fetched to suggest that these men are working-class people, and, they simply wish to pass-off as solid members of the middle class. This is especially articulated by the male figure sitting at the back of the carriage on the right side of the image. He looks directly at us. His expression is somewhat startling, as if he were desperately trying to pass-off for something he is not, knowing that he is being watched and his class standing is being questioned.
Another possible explanation for the top hats is that train fares ranged tremendously during this period. Many middle class people saved their money and traveled in third-class carriages. This is especially plausible when we observe the man sitting at the left edge of the composition. We only see his profile, but he looks pretty well put together; he reads as a respectable and content older man.
The Third-Class Carriage is a bleak depiction of life in 19th century France. By 1862, the year in which this image is believed to have been produced, Daumier was old and sick. As Heta Kauppinen explains in, “Aging in Art” the representation of the elderly in paintings is a powerful way to transmit messages of values, beliefs and convictions. As age and disease plighted Daumier, perhaps he aimed to transmit a message to younger generations of the injustices that came with the period of modernization. By portraying the stages of life, represented by the figures in the pictorial foreground, he creates this understanding. The boy sleeps pleasantly still untouched by the ways of the world. The woman to the left uninhibitedly nurtures her child who now depends on her to provide food and shelter. As a member of the lower class however, she will struggle to make a living and provide for her baby. Finally, we see the elderly woman who welcomed us as the viewer into her world, clearly aware of the inequalities that are perpetuated by the ideologies we hold and of the hardships of belonging to the lower-class tier.
The value in Daumier’s painting lies in his ability to create a scene that is pure and real. We could view The Third-Class Carriage as an artistically untrained painting with little merit. Most definitely, it is preposterous to think that this painting could have ever made it into the Paris Salon of the 1860’s. The choice of theme and stylistic qualities of the painting, however are precisely what give it merit today. This manner of painting is impossible to imitate and thus, it grants Daumier a solid place in the history of 19th century art. As such, this image should really be viewed as a powerful undertaking because it is a culturally untainted version of life in Paris for the working class. As an artist, Daumier was fortunate to be a member of the working class because this alone liberated him from any links to bourgeoisie ideologies and from traditional modes of representation. His background also entitled him to using the lower class as a theme for his work, because only a person that belonged to this class could properly represent ‘the people’ of 19th century France. Consequently, this image allows us to comprehend that Daumier was an essential part of the evolution of visual representation during this period.

Bibliography

Cary, Elisabeth. "Daumier's Unconquerable Soul." Parnassus. 4.5 (1932): 7-10. Print.
Clark, T.J. The Painting of Modern Life. Rev. ed. . Princeton, New Jersey: Princeton University Press,
1999. 23-30. Print. pg. 23

Fleck, Danita, and Linda Choy. "Social Classes." Paris in the Nineteenth Century . San Jose State
University , Web. 15 Dec 2009. .

Kauppinen, Heta. "Aging in Art." Art Education. 40.4 (1987): 42-51. Print.

Metropolitan Museum of Art. Honore Daumier: Third-Class Carriage. New York. 14 Nov. 2009.

Lay, Howard. “Realism and Revolution.” HistArt 271: Origins of Modernism. University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. 10.13.09

Scharf, Aaron. "Daumier the Painter." Burlington Magazine. 103.701 (1961): 356-59. Print.

Stegenga, Elizabeth . "City of Shadows- The Victorian Railway." The Victorian Railway. 01 May 2006.
Web. 15 Dec 2009.
.

"Top Hat." Wikipedia The Online Encyclopedia. 08 Dec 2009. Wikipedia.org, Web. 15 Dec 2009.
.

Image: Artstor.com Daumier's Third-Class Carriage.

How about some Art???

I have a deep and profound passion for art and culture because it speaks a universal language and it hides within it ample room for discussion and enlightenment. I believe that art is a direct reflection of the time in which it is created and a window into the mentality and emotions of the society that it represents. In turn, artworks are invaluable objects because they are a key tool to understanding the evolution of humanity’s intellect and creativity.

While earning my bachelor’s degree, I pursued a double major in Art History and Economics. By the end of my studies, I was able to see an overarching theme between the two disciplines. Societies are ruled by their economy which directly influences preferences, social classes, values and behaviors.In fact, I believe that this is more like a never-ending cycle, where culture and money feed each other continuously and that is how a social structure arises. All this is then reflected in the art of each time period. During my studies I was particularly drawn to Ancient Civilizations like Greek Art and Architecture as well as Mesoamerican Art. I also spent time studying New World Art like Spanish Colonial Paintings and maps. Lastly, and probably my favorite area of study is late 19th and early 20th century French Painting.

I enjoy nothing more than studying different theories on a single work of art and engaging in the different train of thought that the study of art provides for us. I hate thinking that after leaving college I no longer have the right to explore these ideas and keep expanding my knowledge on the subject.

I am, therefore, considering using this space to share my thoughts and ideas on different pieces of art, here and there. This will merely be opinion based on some research, not pure facts.

I just wanted to say that I welcome comments and ideas on any posts because any discussion can always be stimulating and lead to a greater understanding. I am really excited about the path this can take!

Time for a Social Commentary

We need to stop making places that make people feel special and important because humans are not responsible beings and they eventually start believing that they deserve it.

I went grocery shopping with my mom today to the most ridiculous store I have ever been to in my life. Grocery stores: in order to stand out and win more customers...you don't need to pull out a red carpet and exploit your employees...just label your aisles and be fully stocked...give me a savings card and I'm happy.

This store has:
people lined up every other aisle asking you if you need help with anything.
Once you are ready to check out, there is someone standing by the registers who asks you "are you ready to check out?" and wheels your cart to the next available register at which point another person takes over and takes out your groceries from your cart unto the small belt. Once there someone organized your groceries into bags. They then ask you if you need help on the way to your car while there is someone waiting on cue on the chance you say yes because they then take your cart, wait for you to drive your car to the store entrance and they place your groceries in your car.

Who's vision was this?????
Who ever decided that people needed this???

The result of this ridiculous experiment:
People behave like they ACTUALLY DESERVE IT. It was an absolutely disgusting show of arrogance and brute ignorance.
At some level, we all do it. It might even be possible to claim that it is human nature to want to feel superior to others. If we feel more powerful, then we are somehow more intelligent and more important than anybody else. This behavior, however, really only stems from our own insecurities and fear of inadequacy.

With that... if you spend your time going to stores and putting other people down to feel the thrill of power and prove that you are indeed 'better' therefore every employee at the Grocery Store should bow down at your feet.... you may need to re-examine your life, your goals and your motivations.

Just for giggles, allow me to share an example:

- As I was looking for my delicious marinated artichokes, there was a woman looking for some kind of canned vegetable. She found it but it was canned in two different styles. (Not that there was a big difference between the two...one was cultivated, one was not.) She was absolutely baffled by this and approached one of the sales clerk to ask him what the difference was.
Now...I am not an expert at grocery store jobs but I'm pretty sure that they do not sit these people down and have them memorize the difference between every type of product they sell in the store.
He, ooobviouslyyyy did not know the answer to which she replied..ughh, is Bill here??
I was so frustrated by this that I decided to move on to the baked goods aisle only to find this woman 5 minutes later by the registers, still trying to figure out the difference between the two. She actually made the manager bring out a book explaining the components of each product they sell and they had Bill go through it to see if he could figure out the difference between cultivated and non-cultivated.
First...it's canned food, it can't taste that much different.
Second... she probably carries a blackberry with her...google it.

Not long ago I read a book called The Art of Happiness. It is written by the Dalai Lama and Dr. Howard C. Cutler. One of the things that stroke me the most when reading this book, is the Dalai Lama's ability to be completely rational about human emotions and needs. Dr Cutler asks him at one point how he is able to relate to the humblest of people as well as to incredibly wealthy individuals and still make a deep connection with each of them.
The Dalai Lama replied that we are all humans. Strip us all of everything, money, race, class, even color and we are all human beings. When he greets others, he does not think of it as a meeting between Dalai Lama and rich investor...he sees it as human being meeting human being. He has the ability to look beyond the appearances and relate to the person within. I found this to be incredibly humbling and inspiring. He clearly operates at a different level but He explains that only when we are able to interact with each other in this manner do we open paths of communication and only then can we truly relate to each other in the way we were intended to do.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." - Dalai Lama

From the wisest of wise men: Alejandro Sanz

Lo supe siempre, eres fugaz
Siempre fue así de evidente
Siempre lo tendré presente

Lo sé, amor, que eres fugaz
Que te vas inevitablemente
Aunque yo me aferre
Con la fuerza de un millón de soles
Y me arranque con las manos el alma
Y aunque se sequen mi ojos de llorar
Sé que no puedo hacer nada de nada

Take me Out Tonight...

where there's music and there's people and they're young and alive.

I borrowed that line from The Smiths, in one word: Brilliant.
I think that if we could all be granted one wish for life, we would all want that...to always feel young, to always feel alive.

I moved to the Chicago area exactly 6 months ago. Being someone who has moved from place to place, I usually adapt pretty quickly to the change and I don't put up a fight. This time, however, I was miserable. Chicago was the last place I ever wanted to be. I saw myself moving to New York. For some odd reason, I just love being in that city, and I was in love with the idea of moving to an endless ocean of fascinating places waiting to be discovered.

Although Chicago seemed a distant runner-up to that dream, it's starting to win me over. I think that the summer sun is partly to blame for that but more than that, I realized that I want to be here because I want to be with the people I love.
This past weekend, I had a little get together with some friends. We went out for a fun dinner and then we went out for drinks and some quality dancing. I loved every minute of it. We did not make it to bed until 5 in the morning and I know that probably sounds really immature, but it wasn't.

I'm not sure I have the words to describe it but for a group of people that are going through so much change, looking for the right job, striving to prove that we are talented individuals and trying to find our niche in the 'real world' it felt like fantastic release. I did not feel time pass and at the same time I wanted the night to last forever because we were all happy. We were all smiling, no fear, no worries. WONDERFUL.
I have glimpses of everyone's smiling faces and I want to reach out and hug them all in these clouded memories to let them know that it makes me happy to have them in my life and to see them let go and live the moment. In the crowded scene and the blurriness of the night, I felt absolutely blessed. I may not remember everything that happened, everything that was said, but I remember the feeling.

I hope I'm getting the point across. I think what I'm getting at is that... I love those moments, when life is completely real, but we are able to separate ourselves from the moment to realize how great it is to be alive.

I can't wait for my friends to move here, for all of us to move to the city and create our own Chicago. I just can't wait.

Passion vs Practicality

We've all heard it before, we all know exactly what I am referring to when I say 'Passion vs. Practicality.' Yet, I know very few people who are brave enough to venture into the pursuit of their real and deep driving desires.

I refuse to believe that the purpose of life is to battle those deep desires so that we may fend for ourselves financially and feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. That is to say... I don't really admire the people that chose to be practical and work to pay their bills in a job that does not earn them the feeling of peace and happiness. The satisfaction from whatever they may find themselves doing really only comes from being able to say: I beat you this week, job! I am extremely accomplished and worthy because I got through it and I got to another pay check!! It may be produce a sense of fulfillment for a while because it feeds our ego and our idea of what perseverance is but... can these people tell me that they are really happy??? Do they not ache with nostalgia and disappointment when they think of the dreams they gave up? What happens at the end of your lifetime when all you can take with you are your memories and experiences, will the practical earn you a life well-lived?

I think pursuing a passion is for fools. It takes true courage. It takes the ability to forget fear and doubts, and that is never easy to do. If we think about it though, that's where we really prove ourselves. That's where the real test for perseverance exists. That's where 'how badly do you want it?' really counts.

I can't claim that I am a truly religious person. If someone asked me to prove to them that I believe in a God, I would not be able to show them that I donate money to a church or that I drag myself to church every Sunday. I, however, am incredibly spiritual. I do believe in a God and I have been raised in the Christian Doctrine so I would like to think that I do really believe in Jesus and the Virgin Mary. More than anything, I believe in destiny. I constantly ask myself, "Have my actions today taken me a step closer to my true purpose in life?." I therefore believe that God, whoever it may be to you, lives in everyone of us. We are a true reflection of Him, therefore our actions must always stay true to Him.

If that is true, that we are a true reflection of God, and if our passion for something... is so strong that we would give anything to pursuit it and if we dream of the day when we will be able to dedicate ourselves to it... isn't that passion then God's passion? Shouldn't we be listening intently to those desires because they are true in our nature???

This makes me think that yes pursuing a passion is a foolish act in this world. But it is even more foolish to deny it and settle for the practical path because we were not made to live in the practical path. We were made to make a difference in this world with a true intention and a true desire.

I'm not sure exactly where this idea comes from, I think it's from a poem but I think its fascinating and humbling to think that no matter where we are, what we are doing... we are standing exactly where God intended us to be.

Passion:
- Enjoying every day; living with purpose
- The Arts
- Spending time outside
- Learning how to love the people around me
- Staying true to my destiny

Run, Run, Run

I have to admit that I have NEVER been one for working out. At one point, my dad, who is an avid runner, had to drag me out to Fleet feet to buy a pair of running shoes. I actually have managed to convince myself that I am a pretty healthy individual because I eat fruits and vegetables, get lots of sleep and more or less lead an active lifestyle.

At my 23 years of age however, I start to notice why the phrase 'years are not in vain' is so popular. I can't bend quite as easily, I feel circulation problems wanting to make their presence felt and zero muscle strength. YIKES!!

This year will be different! In an effort to transform this body around and make a point about the fact that I am not a quitter (because I am not a quitter) I have signed up for a 5k run!!!
I am sooo proud of this little decision because it will be my very first 5k run and it honestly is a great way to make a promise to oneself to make a change. Not to mention that I paid $25 to sign up, no refunds.

I am in my second week of training and it's starting to feel like quite the challenge but I'm doing well, not giving up yet. I used to practice yoga pretty dedicatedly until I moved and could not find a good teacher. What I learned through my yoga practice is the importance of learning to listen to my body, feeling every muscle move, stretch, bend, really just becoming one with the body.

I think that being able to be in tune with what the body needs is very powerful. It feeds the soul and its good practice in willpower. So that's my goal, to not underestimate my body. Even if it's a short race...its a big step for me.

5k. July 15th. Downtown Chicago. Here I come, just watch me.

Who I've become...

I graduated from the University of Michigan this past December. I have to say that out of anybody I've known to graduate, no one else took it as seriously as I did. I planned a three-day celebration with an itinerary and everything. I picked out the perfect outfits for each party, each dinner, and for commencement ceremony. I had a bar crawl with clearly not enough people to be having a bar crawl, but I didn't care, I had the t-shirts made and that night I drank-up for the past four years of bliss I had had.

In my head, I did all this because I want to be able to look back in 20 years and still feel the excitement and utter pride that I felt knowing that I had worked sooo hard. I had used up every second always doing something, never cheating my way out of the opportunities that had been granted to me. I had devoted myself to every lecture, every book, every paper, and I finally deserved, if only for one weekend, to celebrate myself and the person that I have become.

I was in such a state of joy, I felt like the world was at my feet and that I was invincible and ready to take on absolutely anything. By late January I was set with a job in the Chicago area that promised the ability to say I was now working for a great financial institution and earning great pay. I jumped in full-force expecting to love it... or to love it enough to stick it out for a bit while I figured out what it was I really wanted to do with my life. As I studied through my Series 6, Series 63 and Insurance licensing I suddenly found myself taking part of a monstrous battle. I battled myself. I began to have what I like to call an 'early-20's life crisis' questioning my decision to be working for a bank. My questions, however, went farther. I questioned everything that our society values. Why do we all strive to have a job, buy a car, get married, buy a house...and essentially to build a life of monotonous repetition where all that really matters is the paycheck we receive every two weeks? I didn't get it and it made me angry, it angered me that no one during my college career warned me of this. It angered me that no one around me seemed to question it. It angered me that I couldn't just let it go and accept reality. I pushed through training hoping that this was just a phase and that I would find that motivation I felt for going into the real world during graduation weekend. It never came, instead I kept sinking into fear, anxiety, and insecurities. As soon as I stepped foot into my banker position I began to see a handful of practices that disregarded ethics and policies. In this industry, these actions are all justified by the phrase "business is business."

Here I pause to say that I do not judge anyone; there are people that have no problem doing whatever it takes to get to the top and it doesn't make them better or worse people. It simply makes them players of a game for power. I studied Economics, I fully understand what business is, what business does. I simply don't think I went to school to forget my ethics and my values the moment I enter the workforce simply because everybody else does.

Still, I pushed through. I hated waking up knowing that it was time to go to work. I hated the 'uniform' I had to wear and I hated the person I saw in the mirror. I saw my co-workers and supervisors performing a job, but not moved to make a difference or go above and beyond. I found this utterly depressing. I felt like I had lost sight of my desires and my dreams to give way for other people's dreams. I performed OK, I could do the job, I could convince myself to do the job but it pained me dearly to think that this was it for me.

Four months passed and after many tears of frustration, I quit... that word however has such a negative connotation. To quit is to fail, to quit is to not be strong enough or smart enough. To quit is to not show enough willingness to persevere. This weighed heavily on me, especially because I have a sea of people convinced that I will be driving a shiny new BMW by the time I am 25.

This is were the grace of God comes in however. After overcoming the fear of knowing how disappointed the people around me would be knowing that I had walked out on a dream job, I understood that none of that mattered. The only thing that mattered was me. Even if I made everybody else happy, I would never find peace because I would be disappointing myself by keeping a job that was not fit for me. Just to drive the point home, God found it necessary to show me that what I was doing was correct. The day I left, a co-worker lost her job for performing practices that went against company policies. This was not her fault however. The blame falls on the system that allows people to run banks without even attempting to change current practices. If it works and looks good on paper, why change it? The blame is on the pressure put on workers to perform at impossible levels unless they are 'brave' enough to turn to cheating their way to the top. I wish her all the best, I really do.

It's been a week and a half since I left and I already found that happiness and excitement I felt during graduation weekend. I forgot what peace and serenity felt like. I forgot what a spontaneous smile felt like. When people ask me what my plans are... I eagerly reply, I found a part time job and I have NO idea what I want to do with my life. Then, I smile ecstatically. I kept praying for peace and for things to just fall into place for me. They really have. I feel like the world is mine and I can do absolutely anything with it. This time around not being seduced by the name of a company or by the paycheck but truly finding something I can commit to for the rest of my life. Failure does not even register in my vocabulary because I didn't quit a great job...I quit a path of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. I can only be proud of that.

More than ever, I know that the person I am today is everything that I have left behind. My desire to strive and to devote myself whole-hearted to everything I do; my need to learn something new everyday and my hopes to make this a better world...This all comes from my years at Michigan. I don't ever want to forget that, I don't ever want to lose sight of that.

So, here I am...

Four and and half years of schooling at one of the finest educational institutions in the nation, what I like to think of as exciting and character-building experiences under my belt, some internship experience that is worth mentioning, and 4 months at a prestigious financial institution later... jobless, anxious about the future and what I fear the most, unprepared for the real world?

Quite honestly...I don't know what to do with all of this. It spins in my head over and over again as if somehow, my life could work itself out just by trying to fit all the pieces of the puzzle, but it doesn't. Not that I hold it against the whole world, but it seems like every person I ever encountered during my college career failed to inform me what life after college really looks like.
I have a lot of questions. Mainly...why do we all fall for this way of life, is it really human nature? No one is really willing to answer this, and my answer to that is... they're afraid to ask themselves: is this pattern for life we've so carefully structured into our years really satisfying?

I can't help but notice the existentialistic tone to what I am currently writing and although I am very deep in thought, I don't mean to sound hopeless. I truly do love life and even more so when I count all my blessings, but, I also can't help to notice that there is something terribly wrong with our society and the values that we hold high. I would hate to find that at the core of all human desires... I would find possessions... not personal experiences, not love, not friends but things, money...

So at 23, unemployed, apart from friends, from an independent life and very far from knowing what it is that I want out of life, how I'm going to get it and what job I will like enough to keep it as my everyday routine... this is my quest to find myself again, to understand why everyone is so freaking content with doing the same thing over and over again while being married to a paycheck, and to have an outlet to the thoughts that slowly consume me because maybe then I will find the answers I am looking for and maybe then I will be able to alleviate some of the anxiety I feel.

Honestly.... there has got to be a reason why I'm sitting in Waukegan, IL (yeah... ever heard of it...) so uncertain of the future and with little to no direction as to where to turn next. What is the lesson here???

Hmm... Must figure out.