accordding to the dictionary

... the dictionary does not have a definition for love, relationship, commitment, dialogue or caring tenderness that describes what it is i am trying to say.

do you know what the worst feeling in the world is???

when you start running really really fast because you have to be somewhere and you have no time, and as you run you feel like you cant breath and like all the muscles in your body contract so that you can't move and then it feels like all your organs shrink and breathing makes them hurt, as if they were trying hard to expand with each breath, yet it hurts, so you can't inhale as much air as your body really needs, but you must keep running, and it feels like with each new step you could collapse or hurt a part of your body, and then you legs start to shiver and then your head starts to hurt, and then you feel it in your heart, every breath hurts your heart, every leap hurts your heart, but you can't stop, do you know what i'm talking about? the worst is when you are not moving at all, and you feel all this.

I drove for a really long time this morning, I just drove and drove, and then I slowed down so that my trip would last longer, I think I was hoping to find something new, something I've never seen. I was going over a bridge ( i have a favorite bridge, its in shelby township) and this car pulled over and I so desperately wanted to pull over too and ask that person, are you ok? do you need my help, please say you need me, i'll do anything to help, but i kept driving.

its easier said than done

"I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - and I coulda been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down?

I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - I think it's funny how now one knows
We don't talk about the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

So why you gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down?

So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

And now I'm cryin'
Isn't that what you want?
I'm tryin' to live my life on my own
But I won't, no,
At times I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid
And I come undone
And I come undone

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - I'm a child and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

In this mad season
There's been a mad season
Been a mad season"
- mad season

" "

" I want a life that is mine"

I had forgotten

that I have seen shooting stars before, funny enough, class reminded me of that today. This is why i love studying so much not necessiraly because i learn new facts but because i remember the old ones, i relate my life to the new facts i learn about.
I like shooting stars, they make me happy, I wish I could see them every night from my window but my window faces my neighbors house...
sometimes the best feeling in the world is being made to feel special
sometimes the best we can do is to yearn for being made to feel special
but life will be good, i am emerging, i will get what i deserve.

i want to go to....

the beach and lay on the sand all day, taking a nap under a palapa drinking limeade and eating fish tacos.
i want a pretty bathing suit with matching sandals sunglasses and bag. I want breakfast in my room, in the balcony where i can watch the sunrise (from the east). I want shampoo, soap, lotion and sunscreen that smell of coconut so that eveywhere i go i feel that wonderful scent around me. I want to dance all night and take a walk on the beach shore without my shoes on.
finally, i want a hand to hold my hand, arms to hold me when its cold outside, a mouth to pronounce my name and make me laugh until my stomach hurts and lips to kiss good night.

mmmmmmm

i am so full of excitement and I have my dreams and hopes soooo high up right now
I hope I dont fall down from the cloud im stepping on.
I don't like getting the impression that I am being stereo typed or judges for being or looking a certain way. It worries me that perhaps this world will never change and that it is in our nature to be judgemental or critical of other people, yet where does that lead us? does it not seem like the never-ending cycle?
Maybe we were made like that for a reason, because I am vulnerable to being stereo typed, and I am very...extremely aware of that, I tend to think that I don't act in such a way, and truly a lot of the time, I don't. Those sorts of feelings and mal-intentions are not part of me. I tend to think that people that may find themselves in my situation also feel the same way, that they could not possibly go and judge someone else, because they themselves are being judged by somebody else.
Yet, if this is still making sense, that is not true, there is a bigger force that pushes us to fall into making the same mistakes, perhaps assertions.
baaah, i had a point, i dont know where this is going... to be continued...some day
i shall go give myself a facial and fix my manicure
someone arrives tmw!!!

ahh blog, (big sigh)

once again, i am sorry for neglecting you, if anything i am harming myself more than i am harming you, it is my wish and desire to write every day this next week, it'll be my goal. i think that it will get me back on track to thinking about other things besides the terrible summer i seem to be having. it isnt all that terrible, i cannot say that i will die from it bc that would be extreme exaggeration and it would not be fair to the poor or the sick.
whenever a new year begins, i have an intuition for what the year is going to be like, i just know, and sure enough it turns out to be exactly like i felt it would, you might call me crazy, i dunno, i believe in all this, i can't help it. Anyway 2006...hard year
challenging year, a year of more downs than ups, but the once that you don't necessarily learn from, more like the downs that get to you and you remember for the rest of your life as hard moments, thats what this year is like. I was prepped for it, i knew it was coming (the hard year) but i thought it would be kinder to me, i did not think it would throw at me so much at once. the hardest part... i feel like its taking away from me what i love the most, or what i think i love the most.
I once heard that the things we truly desire, desire us back just the same. Why is it that it always seems that the things we really want... never come to us? why is it that for more than we desire things, and wish for them and think that we deserve them... we don't get them?
lack of faith? i doubt it.
is it not right to want things? should we just wait for them to come to us instead, because only the things that we really deserve will come to us? then what is the point of desire, and wishing? why do we even feel those things?
we always hear of little kids and how they want to grow up fast, how adults tell them, don't rush, enjoy being a kid because when you grow up you'll long for your childhood, and that, never comes back.
I've never been one of those kids, I've always taken my life for what it is, and accepted what has come to me at any given time, I've always wanted to stay a child, I never understood why other kids wanted to act older.
I still don't get it, I still want to stay a kid, and, i don't think it's fear of life or the future, I think its just being smart.

whats left

the worst feeling in the world is to feel like second best and not to learn from it. I always come back excited and happy and forget about the times before to be crushed and its my own fault. to dream is to hope and so one should never stop dreaming, the dream and the reality are sometimes too different. it is hard to know if i am there simply to be there or if i really have a reason for being there i think i try really hard so i must be fighting for the place i belong in. i cant tell if the effort is worth it and like a song says, the good memories are leaving me and the sun is not coming back.

me voy

No voy a llorar y decir que no merezco esto
porque es probable que lo merezco pero no lo quiero
por eso me voy, que lastima pero adios
me despido de ti y me voy

These are the lyrics to a song, in spanish obviously,
I am not going to cry and say that I don't deserve this
because it is possible that I do but I don't want it
so I say goodbye and Im leaving

I feel this is how I've treated Mexico, like there is always something better than it out there and so I go to look for it, yet, I always end up coming back and falling in love with it. This last trip made me view it as my platonic love, I know that we can't have each other, the circumstances in life don't permit for it, but we are still each others greatest love and no matter how far I am, I will always come back to it. It's silly I know, to be in love with a country, you might say ridiculous, it's too hard to explain though, I am not even going to attempt to do it. The way people live there, the way people interact with each other there, the language, the way people eat, all of it is so different, it's so tempting to do everything like them and because I am mexican I attempt to do things like they do, but, I well know that I can't just be mexican, that I have this other lifestyle in me, which is not bad, it just makes me long for mexico a lot.

Did you miss me????

I'm back! I missed you a lot! I used to love writing, now I feel like I have to gain the habit of spilling my thoughts out but thats ok, I really do miss doing this. I had such a marvelous trip and little by little I will talk about it. Right now...coming back to Michigan...it hasnt been that great. I absolutely hate living here but I have decided to focus on the now instead of always looking for something bigger and better. I tend to do that recently, but, that will not get me anywhere. For now I go out and I find one thing that makes michigan a good place to live. For example, the roads are really wide...thats a good thing, its fun to drive in really wide lanes. I am taking summer classes, TO GET AHEAD! not because I really need it, Im loving it though, I am learning a lot of neat cool stuff like did you know that ice is a mineral??? and that your house moves about 2 inches a year??? and that volcanoes can be pretty or they can be really dangerous???? YA! NEAT RIGHT!
I think so.
I have a lot going on in my little head, does that ever happen to you? I get mad at myself for it and then accomplish nothing, I've decided that like always, fear never gets me anywhere...or YOU!
Its the kind of thing where you know you will feel much better after you do it...like...excercise! you know that if you excercise you will feel much better afterwards and you do and you love it, but before you do it, its so easy to say. tomorrow or this tv show is awesome, or mayble ill bake cookies today, so that you make up so many excuses for yourself not to excercise even though you well know how amazing it feels to do so...thats what its like for me in absolutley everything, so, i have to walk through that threshold, i think i have to run through it, just do it.
I will begin to talk about my trip soon, there is so much to say, and so much that I learned and I'll begin by saying that there is no place like Mexico and there are no people like the people of Mexico :)