me. I used to think that everybody else dealt with problems except for me. I used to thing that people were fools to view life as this problematic journey of complexity and adversity because it only meant that they were not enjoying their life and that, whatever they were dealing with could not be THAT terrible.
I was in denial...she says confidently...not. the truth is people, I suffer from denial, I refuse to see that there is anything bad going on in my life because when I face it it hits me like a 1000 bricks and the worst part of getting up...is falling down.
I however, am a recovering denialist :) I think I just made up a word, but you know what I mean, the point being, I learned the lesson about myself.
It sadly took about a month but I did. I see that turning your back to what might hurt you, only weakens you. It's like not excercising, its not only bad, but it actually worsens your physical health. And, I have years of denial behing me where I did not train myself to deal with the problem and the pain until in cornered me. Silly Ana is quite silly isn't she. I discovered that I need to retrieve and deal with it on my own, if there is one great thing about me (arronant I know) is that I have an incredible connection with my inner self. I don't make a move without consulting with my inner self, It's quite amazing really, I live in my body and that might sound stupid to some, but really, how many people do you know that dont feel like 2 people, themselves and their body?
So i listened to my body's need, my souls need and I ended up seeking, but more than anything this week I found the glorious gift of being sought. Of putting myself out there and saying, I am seeking, I refuse to be in denial but I also refuse to believe that there is no way out and that there is nothing better than worrying and complaining and...it worked. there are absolutely no words to be able to describe these sentiments, there are no words to describe the feeling of finding myself again, and to know that I am picked, that just like I seek, I am being sought. And what a great word...seek.
It has got to be one of my favorite words in the whole entire world.
I would advise you...not push you...but advise you to understand that word fully and find a way to make it a part of your world, ask to be sought, see what happens... :)
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
ohh thee
at last, we find each other again...to tell you the truth I've been scared to come back and face you, which in a way means, that I fear facing myself. And, I guess I admit to it, the truth is, I fear my thoughts, I fear having to look at what I write and realize that its something that hurts, realize that for more than I would like to suppress it, my words would only talk about pain and an aching heart. As they say...better out than in and so it seems like the right time, the time to be sincere and the time to reveal to myself that no I am not as strong as I presume to be and that as much as vunerability is a weakness in my eyes, it might just be one of my biggest traits.
Vulnerability however, implies a comparison. You have to be viewed in the eyes of somebody as such...in this case, I've never liked to be viewed as vulnerable, but, does that not imply that I have been living to please others not myself? and if so, how and when did I compromise myself to such a situation?
I dont think that vulnerability has to be a bad thing, it is said that we should be vulnerable in the eyes of God because that is how we will walk to him and find love and support in him.
But it hurts to know that the person we aim to please the most, and not because we look for something in return, not because we expect to be reassured, simply because we believe that we owe our actions to that person...sees us as weak, as not ready for life, as perhaps and and strong as these words are, they may just be true...as not good enough.
It's crazy to think that as we grow up we are not affected by the things we don't see or feel. We believe that all that we ignore is because it isn't there, because it cannot touch us, yet, life is so complex, feelings are so complex and if only I could go back to the time were no one would see weakness in me, because, I would for sure, take notes on what I might have been doing right, and not for anyone else, but, for my own peace.
I think a bad sentiment, something that weighs on us is like a little tiny pebble in our shoe, we can keep walking, we can even run and ignore it for the longest time. Ultimately, however, it's still there and it can cause great damage, it can even ruin a sock...
Once I met a man that told me that through life I was going to face many difficulties and that I would struggle with this sense of duality...I never knew what he meant.
Now I see that I care too much about what people may think of me and my abilities and that my biggest fear is to be seen as weak in their eyes, especially when its someone who I care about, oh man... they should make pills for this :)
Vulnerability however, implies a comparison. You have to be viewed in the eyes of somebody as such...in this case, I've never liked to be viewed as vulnerable, but, does that not imply that I have been living to please others not myself? and if so, how and when did I compromise myself to such a situation?
I dont think that vulnerability has to be a bad thing, it is said that we should be vulnerable in the eyes of God because that is how we will walk to him and find love and support in him.
But it hurts to know that the person we aim to please the most, and not because we look for something in return, not because we expect to be reassured, simply because we believe that we owe our actions to that person...sees us as weak, as not ready for life, as perhaps and and strong as these words are, they may just be true...as not good enough.
It's crazy to think that as we grow up we are not affected by the things we don't see or feel. We believe that all that we ignore is because it isn't there, because it cannot touch us, yet, life is so complex, feelings are so complex and if only I could go back to the time were no one would see weakness in me, because, I would for sure, take notes on what I might have been doing right, and not for anyone else, but, for my own peace.
I think a bad sentiment, something that weighs on us is like a little tiny pebble in our shoe, we can keep walking, we can even run and ignore it for the longest time. Ultimately, however, it's still there and it can cause great damage, it can even ruin a sock...
Once I met a man that told me that through life I was going to face many difficulties and that I would struggle with this sense of duality...I never knew what he meant.
Now I see that I care too much about what people may think of me and my abilities and that my biggest fear is to be seen as weak in their eyes, especially when its someone who I care about, oh man... they should make pills for this :)
Thursday, June 14, 2007
eres para mi
eres para mi, me lo ha dicho el viento,
eres para mi, lo oigo todo el tiempo,
eres para mi
la sombra que pasa,
la luz que me abraza
tus ojos mirandome,
la calle que canta su canto de diario,
el mundo moviendose,
eres para mi, lo oigo todo el tiempo,
eres para mi
la sombra que pasa,
la luz que me abraza
tus ojos mirandome,
la calle que canta su canto de diario,
el mundo moviendose,
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
is it...
Karma!? maybe!!!
sometimes I don't believe I deserve all I get, sometimes things are dressed up as challenges and scary things, oh gosh thats terrible writing and vocabulary, but anyway the point is that in the end, these are great things and just to have the opportunity to have them should make us realize that there is someone who cares and who watches over us, always always :)
sometimes I don't believe I deserve all I get, sometimes things are dressed up as challenges and scary things, oh gosh thats terrible writing and vocabulary, but anyway the point is that in the end, these are great things and just to have the opportunity to have them should make us realize that there is someone who cares and who watches over us, always always :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
thiiiiiis weeeeeek
It can only get better from now on :)
I love the feeling of relief, its probably one of the most amazing feelings in the world, just like ahhh, relax, breath...love it.
It's like when you go to a pool and you get it and the water is so soothing and relaxing
maybe that's why I love swimming :)
I decided that perhaps I want to start actually exercising.
Im looking forward to this weekend lots and lots
and now Im liking school. Im attending CSU (cleveland state university) and I'm starting to thing I might actually want to wear the shirt, it doesn't compare to Michigan of course but, it's still nice and I like like a lot a lot my economics courses.
p.s. Im only attending CSU for the next six weeks, well now five yay!
I am ever faithful to U of M.
I love the feeling of relief, its probably one of the most amazing feelings in the world, just like ahhh, relax, breath...love it.
It's like when you go to a pool and you get it and the water is so soothing and relaxing
maybe that's why I love swimming :)
I decided that perhaps I want to start actually exercising.
Im looking forward to this weekend lots and lots
and now Im liking school. Im attending CSU (cleveland state university) and I'm starting to thing I might actually want to wear the shirt, it doesn't compare to Michigan of course but, it's still nice and I like like a lot a lot my economics courses.
p.s. Im only attending CSU for the next six weeks, well now five yay!
I am ever faithful to U of M.
Friday, May 18, 2007
ana,
you were made for more than that, you very well know that
it's not about the ones who make you feel weak, because you know you are not, and it hurts, that the people you think will be there to support you and help you find a way, only seem to find your weaknesses, but even then... their words should not matter.
it should be about the opportunity, it should be about faith and it should be about surpassing one more challenge.
You know it seems like this life of mine, cannot be simplified, it seems like when I think it will get easier...it doesn't, I must work to simplify it, and its true, I did not ask for this, but, everything that I have already been through should remind me of the strength within and make me see that I am looked after and that it is only up to me from here on.
I think the hardest thing... is feeling like we are not good enough in the eyes of the person that we think we have to prove ourselves to, but...why should we have to prove ourselves? if in the end, its always about the bad, the things that we haven't done, the things that we are not taking care of... its never really about the things that we are already doing.
thats a lie though, the hardest thing is being able to rid myself of the guilt left in me for "not doing enough" and the anger I feel, I don't like those feelings, those feelings stop our inner beauty from shining through and revealing itself to the rest of the world.
Ana,
this is a time to learn, this is a time to challenge yourself and that's a promise :)
baby steps.
it's not about the ones who make you feel weak, because you know you are not, and it hurts, that the people you think will be there to support you and help you find a way, only seem to find your weaknesses, but even then... their words should not matter.
it should be about the opportunity, it should be about faith and it should be about surpassing one more challenge.
You know it seems like this life of mine, cannot be simplified, it seems like when I think it will get easier...it doesn't, I must work to simplify it, and its true, I did not ask for this, but, everything that I have already been through should remind me of the strength within and make me see that I am looked after and that it is only up to me from here on.
I think the hardest thing... is feeling like we are not good enough in the eyes of the person that we think we have to prove ourselves to, but...why should we have to prove ourselves? if in the end, its always about the bad, the things that we haven't done, the things that we are not taking care of... its never really about the things that we are already doing.
thats a lie though, the hardest thing is being able to rid myself of the guilt left in me for "not doing enough" and the anger I feel, I don't like those feelings, those feelings stop our inner beauty from shining through and revealing itself to the rest of the world.
Ana,
this is a time to learn, this is a time to challenge yourself and that's a promise :)
baby steps.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
this town
is beginning to feel familiar, it's beginning to feel like there is real purpose for being here and like I'm about to make some great discovery about life or perhaps myself.
If I were to explain just how I live right now or basically the entire situation that I find myself in, I think you would find it far from normal or stable but I somehow, am not jealous of those who are able to go home to their parents and their own room, their own kitchen, their own garden and who sort of have it all planned out.
I think I long for that, for that stability because I hardly ever find it, but this situation is beginning to feel stable and good and fun. i don't think there is greater feeling than when we find purpose for our lives, even just for waking up.
I don't know if this makes sense to people but its so great to be able to look in the mirror and not be afraid of the image that stares back at you, it's so great to be able to look at yourself, to really look at yourself and know that there are a million things behind you holding you up. I think as a woman more than anything that security is so necessary and I think that the times that we are able to recognize beauty in ourselves, in and out, is when we see and feel safety and purpose in our lives.
And, finally for today, I was tallking to a friend the other day about the power of prayer and how even the smallest little worries in your life are necessary to pray about and to me its so amazing that other people are able to recognize this, that it is powerful :) I think that if there is that desire in your heart to pray or to just sit for a few minutes and recognize that power, that energy around you, you should find the time, it will only ever help you.
If I were to explain just how I live right now or basically the entire situation that I find myself in, I think you would find it far from normal or stable but I somehow, am not jealous of those who are able to go home to their parents and their own room, their own kitchen, their own garden and who sort of have it all planned out.
I think I long for that, for that stability because I hardly ever find it, but this situation is beginning to feel stable and good and fun. i don't think there is greater feeling than when we find purpose for our lives, even just for waking up.
I don't know if this makes sense to people but its so great to be able to look in the mirror and not be afraid of the image that stares back at you, it's so great to be able to look at yourself, to really look at yourself and know that there are a million things behind you holding you up. I think as a woman more than anything that security is so necessary and I think that the times that we are able to recognize beauty in ourselves, in and out, is when we see and feel safety and purpose in our lives.
And, finally for today, I was tallking to a friend the other day about the power of prayer and how even the smallest little worries in your life are necessary to pray about and to me its so amazing that other people are able to recognize this, that it is powerful :) I think that if there is that desire in your heart to pray or to just sit for a few minutes and recognize that power, that energy around you, you should find the time, it will only ever help you.
Monday, May 14, 2007
ahhhhh I'm BAck!
hiiii blog. how are ya
so sorry about not writing, i've missed ya, just as much as you've missed me
here is the thing though, my writing abilities rely on this thing called, the internet, this thing we've sadly come to take as granted and necessary for our lives to function properly. and really truly, creativeness relies on new technology??????
paper and pencil is no loonger good enough???
sadly for me, im gonna have to say yes to that one. I only feel like the words flow from the tips of my fingers when I can type, not when I can hold a pen.
I've said it many times and I still honestly believe that there is a need for a revolution, for us as a society to realize that we are better than the computers that we create, that our brains are so powerful that beauty would take over our world if we went back to a simpler life, where we actually recognized each other, not tried to guard ourselves with tv's, computers and all the funky gadgets.
Oh la,
Sooooo, Here are the things I've learned about...life...i guess...while living in Cleveland for the past three weeks.
1. I worry too much, about stupid little things, trust is lacking, I don't know that I understand how trust works, like, how does trust make sense in your head???? trust in anything??? Note: the bigger, more important things in life don't worry me at all, its the little things. Its like math, I get the super complicated things, but I always mess up on the simple adding and subtracting, you know what I mean?
2. I freakin' love going to Bob Evans and reading those little books they have about the past while I wait for my table. It's sooo great to learn about the past or about the year you were born.
3. It's awkward and sad when people recognize you whenever you walk into a restaurant or store because you go there way too often, but, like....there is really nowhere else to go.
4. trains used to scare the crap out of me, now I live in a town where trains go by every other hour, woohoo.
5. ummm...television sucks, I honestly don't like it, I don't understand the people that can sit hours watching tv and not get a headache, and so far these past weeks, I wake up no later than 10 am because otherwise I'll miss the Martha Stewart show....how terrible I've fallen.
6. I can sell shoes :) it's great fun, now I know that for sure one day I will own a business, perhaps not a shoe store but something.
7. Want an excuse for not going to the gym to workout? Have no address, they won't let you join the gym.
8. Boredom leads to short hair, short short hair. It's still cute hair, it's just way short.
9. I no longer enjoy going out to eat, it's become an everyday, every meal thing, not cool.
10. It's really not that bad, its a matter of sucking it up, its kind of funny sometimes, the kind of life I get to live, especially when my family is put in one tiny room...together...tiny room...togehter.... I can feel it getting better soon, I really can, except for the part where I get up at 6.30 every morning to go to school.
yay for cleveland.
so sorry about not writing, i've missed ya, just as much as you've missed me
here is the thing though, my writing abilities rely on this thing called, the internet, this thing we've sadly come to take as granted and necessary for our lives to function properly. and really truly, creativeness relies on new technology??????
paper and pencil is no loonger good enough???
sadly for me, im gonna have to say yes to that one. I only feel like the words flow from the tips of my fingers when I can type, not when I can hold a pen.
I've said it many times and I still honestly believe that there is a need for a revolution, for us as a society to realize that we are better than the computers that we create, that our brains are so powerful that beauty would take over our world if we went back to a simpler life, where we actually recognized each other, not tried to guard ourselves with tv's, computers and all the funky gadgets.
Oh la,
Sooooo, Here are the things I've learned about...life...i guess...while living in Cleveland for the past three weeks.
1. I worry too much, about stupid little things, trust is lacking, I don't know that I understand how trust works, like, how does trust make sense in your head???? trust in anything??? Note: the bigger, more important things in life don't worry me at all, its the little things. Its like math, I get the super complicated things, but I always mess up on the simple adding and subtracting, you know what I mean?
2. I freakin' love going to Bob Evans and reading those little books they have about the past while I wait for my table. It's sooo great to learn about the past or about the year you were born.
3. It's awkward and sad when people recognize you whenever you walk into a restaurant or store because you go there way too often, but, like....there is really nowhere else to go.
4. trains used to scare the crap out of me, now I live in a town where trains go by every other hour, woohoo.
5. ummm...television sucks, I honestly don't like it, I don't understand the people that can sit hours watching tv and not get a headache, and so far these past weeks, I wake up no later than 10 am because otherwise I'll miss the Martha Stewart show....how terrible I've fallen.
6. I can sell shoes :) it's great fun, now I know that for sure one day I will own a business, perhaps not a shoe store but something.
7. Want an excuse for not going to the gym to workout? Have no address, they won't let you join the gym.
8. Boredom leads to short hair, short short hair. It's still cute hair, it's just way short.
9. I no longer enjoy going out to eat, it's become an everyday, every meal thing, not cool.
10. It's really not that bad, its a matter of sucking it up, its kind of funny sometimes, the kind of life I get to live, especially when my family is put in one tiny room...together...tiny room...togehter.... I can feel it getting better soon, I really can, except for the part where I get up at 6.30 every morning to go to school.
yay for cleveland.
Friday, April 27, 2007
what are you thinking about?
Like a ghost don't need a key
Your best friend I've come to be
Please don't think of getting up for me
You don't even need to speak
When I've been here for just one day
You'll already miss me if I go away
So close the blinds and shut the door
You won't need other friends anymore
Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home
If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home
And I arrived when you were weak
I'll make you weaker, weaker still
Now all your love you give to me
When your heart is all I need
Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home
If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home
Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be
When it's just you and little me
Everything is clear and everything is new
So you won't be leaving will you
Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home
If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home
~ don't leave home- dido.
Your best friend I've come to be
Please don't think of getting up for me
You don't even need to speak
When I've been here for just one day
You'll already miss me if I go away
So close the blinds and shut the door
You won't need other friends anymore
Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home
If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home
And I arrived when you were weak
I'll make you weaker, weaker still
Now all your love you give to me
When your heart is all I need
Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home
If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home
Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be
When it's just you and little me
Everything is clear and everything is new
So you won't be leaving will you
Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home
If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home
~ don't leave home- dido.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
here with me
I didnt hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
I dont want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
Ill do what I want
But I cant hide
I wont go
I wont sleep
I cant breathe
Until youre resting here with me
I wont leave
I cant hide
I cannot be
Until your resting here with me
I dont want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I cant leave this bed
Risk forgetting all thats been
Oh I am what I am
Ill do what I want
But I cant hide
I wont go
I wont sleep
I cant breathe
Until youre resting here with me
I wont leave
I cant hide
I cannot be
Until your resting here with me
~dido
I wonder how am I still here
I dont want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
Ill do what I want
But I cant hide
I wont go
I wont sleep
I cant breathe
Until youre resting here with me
I wont leave
I cant hide
I cannot be
Until your resting here with me
I dont want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I cant leave this bed
Risk forgetting all thats been
Oh I am what I am
Ill do what I want
But I cant hide
I wont go
I wont sleep
I cant breathe
Until youre resting here with me
I wont leave
I cant hide
I cannot be
Until your resting here with me
~dido
Friday, April 20, 2007
to be invited
Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will cahse after her loveres but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them (Hos. 2:6-7)
And then...
I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her. (Hos. 2:14)
...appreciate everything that you have, the sun early in the morning and the breeze at night, they are all gifts and I understood faith before, but now I feel like I know that which I understood (there is a difference) and to take that leap, to take that leap is absolutely amazing.
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will cahse after her loveres but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them (Hos. 2:6-7)
And then...
I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her. (Hos. 2:14)
...appreciate everything that you have, the sun early in the morning and the breeze at night, they are all gifts and I understood faith before, but now I feel like I know that which I understood (there is a difference) and to take that leap, to take that leap is absolutely amazing.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
mmm ready??? go!
It's been a long journey, actually...not that long
its been short but filled with it all, and the greatest part of all, I must say is knowing myself through the struggle, not settling for...I quit, or I am not enough, but knowing that there is something better on the other side of the bridge, so I will keep running, I will keep smiling and I will gather strength from within because that is where it all begins. From within, the desires and the dreams and the wishes that belong to me, that where embedded in me, are there for a reason and I will not settle and I will find my way and there is something amazing waiting.
The hardest thing to undersand for me has been, knowing how to balance those desires and beliefs with trust. Knowing that I ultimately have no control over things and that I need to know how to trust, that has been the hardest part. Giving in to trust has been such a hard challenge, but I think I'm there and let me tell you, that I'm understanding and that if I- the most impatient person in the world- have learned to trust, that you can too and once you do, beauty takes over.
This life is so much harder than they paint it to be, it has so much more than we think we can handle, but if we just trust... we find ourselves back in the utter faithfulness and a radiating light waiting to shine from within our soul...are you smiling at yourself? Bc, I can't seem to stop smiling at myself and this new found understanding.
I'm standing right where I want to be.
its been short but filled with it all, and the greatest part of all, I must say is knowing myself through the struggle, not settling for...I quit, or I am not enough, but knowing that there is something better on the other side of the bridge, so I will keep running, I will keep smiling and I will gather strength from within because that is where it all begins. From within, the desires and the dreams and the wishes that belong to me, that where embedded in me, are there for a reason and I will not settle and I will find my way and there is something amazing waiting.
The hardest thing to undersand for me has been, knowing how to balance those desires and beliefs with trust. Knowing that I ultimately have no control over things and that I need to know how to trust, that has been the hardest part. Giving in to trust has been such a hard challenge, but I think I'm there and let me tell you, that I'm understanding and that if I- the most impatient person in the world- have learned to trust, that you can too and once you do, beauty takes over.
This life is so much harder than they paint it to be, it has so much more than we think we can handle, but if we just trust... we find ourselves back in the utter faithfulness and a radiating light waiting to shine from within our soul...are you smiling at yourself? Bc, I can't seem to stop smiling at myself and this new found understanding.
I'm standing right where I want to be.
Friday, April 13, 2007
never stare at a pot of water waiting to boil
...because it won't...
The moment you turn around and prevent yourself from watching it...it will boil
and that is a fact...take it from me, the most impatient person in the world I know!
ay ay ay....I love saying that...ay ay ay
does it ever happen to you that you are about to start speaking about something and then you breathe in deeply and you exhale and you go...eh...not really worth it?
my hair smelled like cotton candy the other day and then I wanted some, so I ate marshmallows, but it was so not the same thing.
I like it when my room smells pretty, makes it harmonious.
I'll stop beating around the bush... I hate that expression, ha, ill stop going around in circles...better
you know what expression I really like, jack squat, haha, how funny is that! jack squat, delightful!
anyway, I'm about to go clean out my locker in the art school and the other day I cleaned out my mail box, my screen from fibers, I took the name of off everything that "belonged" to me here at the art school. I hugged my professors good-bye because I won't be seeing them anymore, not even in the hallways, and it feels like such a ritual. Everything from the motions of taking everything away, not leaving a mark, the emotions, its just such a ritual of closure and it feels so definite.
I mean, it doesn't sadden me terribly because I can feel the energy from the great year that is about to come, and I get so excited. I feel like I'm ready for the decisions that are next and I want them, I want whatever is next to come, but, this part of my life...I'm finishing the chapter, writing the last sentence and I don't know how long before I go back and re-read it.
All happens for a reason and I finish happily. I finish with strength and confidence that I am not giving up, because I fulfilled everything to the best of my abilities and I think this has been the hardest but my best semester yet, So it isn't failure, it is simply embracing what I have gained and knowing that I was meant for more, or for different things and so I walk away happily :).
The moment you turn around and prevent yourself from watching it...it will boil
and that is a fact...take it from me, the most impatient person in the world I know!
ay ay ay....I love saying that...ay ay ay
does it ever happen to you that you are about to start speaking about something and then you breathe in deeply and you exhale and you go...eh...not really worth it?
my hair smelled like cotton candy the other day and then I wanted some, so I ate marshmallows, but it was so not the same thing.
I like it when my room smells pretty, makes it harmonious.
I'll stop beating around the bush... I hate that expression, ha, ill stop going around in circles...better
you know what expression I really like, jack squat, haha, how funny is that! jack squat, delightful!
anyway, I'm about to go clean out my locker in the art school and the other day I cleaned out my mail box, my screen from fibers, I took the name of off everything that "belonged" to me here at the art school. I hugged my professors good-bye because I won't be seeing them anymore, not even in the hallways, and it feels like such a ritual. Everything from the motions of taking everything away, not leaving a mark, the emotions, its just such a ritual of closure and it feels so definite.
I mean, it doesn't sadden me terribly because I can feel the energy from the great year that is about to come, and I get so excited. I feel like I'm ready for the decisions that are next and I want them, I want whatever is next to come, but, this part of my life...I'm finishing the chapter, writing the last sentence and I don't know how long before I go back and re-read it.
All happens for a reason and I finish happily. I finish with strength and confidence that I am not giving up, because I fulfilled everything to the best of my abilities and I think this has been the hardest but my best semester yet, So it isn't failure, it is simply embracing what I have gained and knowing that I was meant for more, or for different things and so I walk away happily :).
Monday, April 09, 2007
I walked on a ledge today
and I smiled because I was faced with myself, that little girl that I so utterly wish to protect and hold on to, because in a way I have never stopped being her and because of the situations in my life, I feel it is my duty to keep protecting her, because she was woken up to this life, way too early on....so I faced myself and this time I did not hide. I kept on walking and smiled because it was such a great little moment.
You know, most of us spend our lives thinking about what is next, or what to do, or we think about the future, or what we would change about the past, and so, this stops us from being in the present, we don't realize that every second gone, is never to come back and when we stop thinking, we "hate" ourselves for thinking about living and not actually living. These past weeks have been a test, a transformation of my feelings and ideas, and as painful as they have been, I have emerged and it fills me up with joy to know that it has been because of my faith and because of the wonderful people in my life.
And today, I caught myself stepping unto that ledge and walking on it trying not to lose my balance, and I realized that it had been done unconciously, that I was present in the moment and my heart simply desired to walk on that ledge. And, that is such a great discovery, because after all, I have not lost myself, I am not hiding, and, what a great little moment to catch myself at, and the best part is that that moment is mine (well I'm sharing it now) but, its a precious little moment that makes the relationship between my mind and my soul just... better.
... it is not that we deserve the things we are granted in our lives, it is that our actions determine whether we will be granted something or not, in other words...karma, and that, is a beautiful thought and it puts me at ease.
You know, most of us spend our lives thinking about what is next, or what to do, or we think about the future, or what we would change about the past, and so, this stops us from being in the present, we don't realize that every second gone, is never to come back and when we stop thinking, we "hate" ourselves for thinking about living and not actually living. These past weeks have been a test, a transformation of my feelings and ideas, and as painful as they have been, I have emerged and it fills me up with joy to know that it has been because of my faith and because of the wonderful people in my life.
And today, I caught myself stepping unto that ledge and walking on it trying not to lose my balance, and I realized that it had been done unconciously, that I was present in the moment and my heart simply desired to walk on that ledge. And, that is such a great discovery, because after all, I have not lost myself, I am not hiding, and, what a great little moment to catch myself at, and the best part is that that moment is mine (well I'm sharing it now) but, its a precious little moment that makes the relationship between my mind and my soul just... better.
... it is not that we deserve the things we are granted in our lives, it is that our actions determine whether we will be granted something or not, in other words...karma, and that, is a beautiful thought and it puts me at ease.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
lent season is over!
Happy easter everyone
40 days of suffering and 3 pounds lighter, over!
I can have all the soda in the world I want again, and the best feeling is that I had it again, and I definitely still loooove it.
No but, beyond that, because that makes me sound really shallow,
I really enjoy the lent season because it puts things in perspective and makes me have a small glimpse into just how great Christ is and much I utterly believe and feel renewed and happy and joyous to know that I stand in his light.
I think that even if we don't have big celebrations or we find ourselves forced to be away from our families, we should nonetheless celebrate and know that we are all blessed and we are all greatly loved.
So yay to a great, cold, but great, easter :)
40 days of suffering and 3 pounds lighter, over!
I can have all the soda in the world I want again, and the best feeling is that I had it again, and I definitely still loooove it.
No but, beyond that, because that makes me sound really shallow,
I really enjoy the lent season because it puts things in perspective and makes me have a small glimpse into just how great Christ is and much I utterly believe and feel renewed and happy and joyous to know that I stand in his light.
I think that even if we don't have big celebrations or we find ourselves forced to be away from our families, we should nonetheless celebrate and know that we are all blessed and we are all greatly loved.
So yay to a great, cold, but great, easter :)
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Oh man!
Women studies
Art History
French
& Stats
WATCH OUT BECAUSE HERE I COME!!!
Suuuuuuch a dork because I'm
soooooooo excited but it will be
ohhhhhhhh so good
:) :) :) :)
Art History
French
& Stats
WATCH OUT BECAUSE HERE I COME!!!
Suuuuuuch a dork because I'm
soooooooo excited but it will be
ohhhhhhhh so good
:) :) :) :)
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
never
have my words been so useless, never have my words held no meaning, never have I understood that failed attempts are actually more of a victory.
I'd like to say that at least we are now even
but I'm not actually like that.
I will just take things as they come
and enjoy the fact that today I feel like dancing.
I'd like to say that at least we are now even
but I'm not actually like that.
I will just take things as they come
and enjoy the fact that today I feel like dancing.
Monday, April 02, 2007
when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for the moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with your crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
oooooooooohhhhhhhhh
now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
baby won't you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.
john mayer
the waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for the moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with your crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
oooooooooohhhhhhhhh
now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
baby won't you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.
john mayer
Sunday, April 01, 2007
song of the day
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right
:)
There are situations in our lives that make us realize that indeed we are not perfect, we have it all yet, we are nothing but human and that right there, is a lot to say; we are simply human. In a sense I feel like I have hit rock bottom in many situations. I however am not depressed ready to hide myself from the world, I am not ready to cry and crawl under the covers hoping that time will pass faster than it already does. And, I wish that people would stop assuming what it is I feel, what it is I think, what my intentions are. Honestly, what you see is what you get, I am nothing more than what I present to the world. Anyway, I am simply learning, you know, many times people have told me, life may hurt you and beat you and come at you like hard punches, but it will not throw you to the ground, don't let it. I don't think I have, I am learning but I am also at peace with myself, I have followed my beliefs and I have stood for myself and if I let you think that I am weak, its because I would rather take the punches that betray my insticnt of compassion and in the end, I have not stopped being myself. I think our authentic self arises from the situations we encounter. We change, we grow and mature but our essence is always existant, that essence never changes and that is who we really are, no one and nothing can take that away from us. Unless we let them of course, my essence is beautiful and divine and that I am convinced about. So many people find the need to bring me down or try to blame me for situations that I cannot control and then they expect me not to hurt but, it does hurt, you cannot go out pouring anger to the world and expect people to understand you and have sympathy for you, it hurts them, I don't know how that idea is not clear enough for people.
ultimately, because I am human, I have made mistakes, and I know that my actions/words have hurt people, but I am not about to sit here and destroy myself for that, I feel confident that, even though it takes me a while to admit to those mistakes, I do, and I apologize. I do not want the past, however, I forgive everything that has happened, I want to forget and surrender to this continuing life, and have faith, above all just have faith.
I think our biggest problem is that we try to hide the fact that we all carry our hearts in our hands and all we are ultimately looking for is to love and be loved, to be given the opportunity to care for someone unconditionally and in the same way have someone take care of us.
and I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right
:)
There are situations in our lives that make us realize that indeed we are not perfect, we have it all yet, we are nothing but human and that right there, is a lot to say; we are simply human. In a sense I feel like I have hit rock bottom in many situations. I however am not depressed ready to hide myself from the world, I am not ready to cry and crawl under the covers hoping that time will pass faster than it already does. And, I wish that people would stop assuming what it is I feel, what it is I think, what my intentions are. Honestly, what you see is what you get, I am nothing more than what I present to the world. Anyway, I am simply learning, you know, many times people have told me, life may hurt you and beat you and come at you like hard punches, but it will not throw you to the ground, don't let it. I don't think I have, I am learning but I am also at peace with myself, I have followed my beliefs and I have stood for myself and if I let you think that I am weak, its because I would rather take the punches that betray my insticnt of compassion and in the end, I have not stopped being myself. I think our authentic self arises from the situations we encounter. We change, we grow and mature but our essence is always existant, that essence never changes and that is who we really are, no one and nothing can take that away from us. Unless we let them of course, my essence is beautiful and divine and that I am convinced about. So many people find the need to bring me down or try to blame me for situations that I cannot control and then they expect me not to hurt but, it does hurt, you cannot go out pouring anger to the world and expect people to understand you and have sympathy for you, it hurts them, I don't know how that idea is not clear enough for people.
ultimately, because I am human, I have made mistakes, and I know that my actions/words have hurt people, but I am not about to sit here and destroy myself for that, I feel confident that, even though it takes me a while to admit to those mistakes, I do, and I apologize. I do not want the past, however, I forgive everything that has happened, I want to forget and surrender to this continuing life, and have faith, above all just have faith.
I think our biggest problem is that we try to hide the fact that we all carry our hearts in our hands and all we are ultimately looking for is to love and be loved, to be given the opportunity to care for someone unconditionally and in the same way have someone take care of us.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
it feels
like a fresh perfect morning after the storm. Everything smells of wetness, but the sun is out and you cannot help but smile because you know that anything after the storm will be good. I can't help but smile, its as if I have just woken up from a long dream, woken up to the most amazing life and I have nothing but excitement. I am so ready for what is to come.
I once heard that, when you wish for something, if you really wanted that something, you would already have it.
I want this, I really want this and so I think that I am being guided in this direction, and I just have to trust and do. And smile upon what is to come and so with this
I decide to leave Art and Design and pursue an economics major, and oh my goodness, how exciting it is :)
I think it takes a lot of courage to know yourself,
and patience to accept the truth
and love and passion to be fulfilled,
art cannot provide these for me
and although I may always be talented
I want more, I have more to give,
and I have faith, above all today, I have faith.
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out
~ From the inside out- Hillsong United.
I once heard that, when you wish for something, if you really wanted that something, you would already have it.
I want this, I really want this and so I think that I am being guided in this direction, and I just have to trust and do. And smile upon what is to come and so with this
I decide to leave Art and Design and pursue an economics major, and oh my goodness, how exciting it is :)
I think it takes a lot of courage to know yourself,
and patience to accept the truth
and love and passion to be fulfilled,
art cannot provide these for me
and although I may always be talented
I want more, I have more to give,
and I have faith, above all today, I have faith.
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out
~ From the inside out- Hillsong United.
Monday, March 19, 2007
my mind went click
The truth is I need people more than I need myself. Not because I can't bare to be by myself. because I can, I have learned what independence means. Or because I need to share the approval of others, because I don't, that kind of gratification is nice, but not my ultimate desire. No, simply because it is human to want to be surrounded with people, because it is human to want to share and laugh everyday, and it brings me to my knees to acknowledge this, that I need people in my life. That we all need to care for others and have other care for us. We all need tenderness and giving and ultimately...peace.
It is a great wonder how...we can spend so long denying this to ourselves because that need is always there.
There is nothing wrong with being wanted or wanting to be there for someone
and there is nothing wrong with asking for help, in the end, when you look back, memories of people in your life are the things that will make you smile.
Mango madness snapple might make you smile too.
and dancing
and cookies
oh and coffee when you are tired
and pretty colors
and Faith in God too (I think I was indirectly talking about this)
and sleep too :)
It is a great wonder how...we can spend so long denying this to ourselves because that need is always there.
There is nothing wrong with being wanted or wanting to be there for someone
and there is nothing wrong with asking for help, in the end, when you look back, memories of people in your life are the things that will make you smile.
Mango madness snapple might make you smile too.
and dancing
and cookies
oh and coffee when you are tired
and pretty colors
and Faith in God too (I think I was indirectly talking about this)
and sleep too :)
Sunday, March 18, 2007
...yeah...
And I will stroll the merry way
And jump the hedges first
And I will drink the clear
Clean water for to quench my thirst
And I shall watch the ferry-boats
And theyll get high
On a bluer ocean
Against tomorrows sky
And I will never grow so old again
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain
Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing
And I shall drive my chariot
Down your streets and cry
hey, its me, Im dynamite
And I dont know why
And you shall take me strongly
In your arms again
And I will not remember
That I even felt the pain.
We shall walk and talk
In gardens all misty and wet with rain
And I will never, never, never
Grow so old again.
Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing
And I will raise my hand up
Into the night time sky
And count the stars
Thats shining in your eye
Just to dig it all an not to wonder
Thats just fine
And Ill be satisfied
Not to read in between the lines
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain
And I will never, ever, ever, ever
Grow so old again.
Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
Sugar-baby with your champagne eyes
And your saint-like smile....
And jump the hedges first
And I will drink the clear
Clean water for to quench my thirst
And I shall watch the ferry-boats
And theyll get high
On a bluer ocean
Against tomorrows sky
And I will never grow so old again
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain
Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing
And I shall drive my chariot
Down your streets and cry
hey, its me, Im dynamite
And I dont know why
And you shall take me strongly
In your arms again
And I will not remember
That I even felt the pain.
We shall walk and talk
In gardens all misty and wet with rain
And I will never, never, never
Grow so old again.
Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing
And I will raise my hand up
Into the night time sky
And count the stars
Thats shining in your eye
Just to dig it all an not to wonder
Thats just fine
And Ill be satisfied
Not to read in between the lines
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain
And I will never, ever, ever, ever
Grow so old again.
Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
Sugar-baby with your champagne eyes
And your saint-like smile....
Saturday, March 17, 2007
look at me, I'm happy
When i passed you in the doorway
You took me with a glance
I should have took that last bus home
But i asked you for a dance
Now we go steady to the pictures
I always get chocolate stains on my pants
My father he's going crazy
Say's i'm living in a trance
But i'm dancing in the moonlight
It's caught me in its spotlight
It's alright, alright
Dancing in the moonlight
On the long hot summer night
It's three o'clock in the morning
And i'm on the streets again
I disobeyed another warning
I should have been in by ten
Now i won't get out until sunday
I'll have to say i stayed with friends
But it's a habit worth forming
If it means to justify the end
dancing in the moonlight
thin lizzy
You took me with a glance
I should have took that last bus home
But i asked you for a dance
Now we go steady to the pictures
I always get chocolate stains on my pants
My father he's going crazy
Say's i'm living in a trance
But i'm dancing in the moonlight
It's caught me in its spotlight
It's alright, alright
Dancing in the moonlight
On the long hot summer night
It's three o'clock in the morning
And i'm on the streets again
I disobeyed another warning
I should have been in by ten
Now i won't get out until sunday
I'll have to say i stayed with friends
But it's a habit worth forming
If it means to justify the end
dancing in the moonlight
thin lizzy
Monday, March 12, 2007
the things that protect my heart
I do believe that it is important to never let anyone doubt where we stand or how strong we stand especially when it comes to our faith. As long as you are at peace and you find your inner light shining through then you are following your faith with purpose. Especially as a woman, let your desires shine through, do not put yourself as second priority because life only works when you listen to that voice within you, that voice that requires trust and faith, but when you do, you have taken a leap and that must be cherished.
I know that God is smiling upon me because there is peace within, under all the layers of frustration and despair and worry and fear, I am at peace, meaning I am a reflection of his peace and his wisdom and he will carry me through, because i trust that this is embedded in my soul.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will hold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
I know that God is smiling upon me because there is peace within, under all the layers of frustration and despair and worry and fear, I am at peace, meaning I am a reflection of his peace and his wisdom and he will carry me through, because i trust that this is embedded in my soul.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will hold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
Sunday, March 11, 2007
wake me up
Wake me up when it's over,
Wake me up when it's done,
When he's gone away and taken everything,
Wake me up.
Wake me up when the skies are clearing,
When the water is still,
'cause I will not watch the ships sail away so,
Please say you will.
If it were any other day,
This wouldn't get the best of me.
But today I'm not so strong,
So lay me down with a sad song,
And when it stops then you know I've been,
Gone too long.
But don't shake me awake,
Don't bend me or I will break,
Come find me somewhere between my dreams,
With the sun on my face.
I will still feel it later on,
But for now I'd rather be asleep.
~norah jones
Wake me up when it's done,
When he's gone away and taken everything,
Wake me up.
Wake me up when the skies are clearing,
When the water is still,
'cause I will not watch the ships sail away so,
Please say you will.
If it were any other day,
This wouldn't get the best of me.
But today I'm not so strong,
So lay me down with a sad song,
And when it stops then you know I've been,
Gone too long.
But don't shake me awake,
Don't bend me or I will break,
Come find me somewhere between my dreams,
With the sun on my face.
I will still feel it later on,
But for now I'd rather be asleep.
~norah jones
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
4945 Tinderbox circle manlius new york 13104
this house means the world to me. I have never been able to say, Wow, I belong here, this is where I should be, until I came to Manlius new york. It is the smallest town you have ever seen. Think of you know the little country town, where farms and fields dominate and you have to drive 15 minutes to the grocery store, or really anything worth seeing. Downtown is a cute little town that reminds you of the past, their historic society is incredibly important to them and the houses make you feel like you are in England or something, that is what Manlius is. This house was probably the penacle of my family's constant need to move. After being in Mexico I realized that I did not want to stay in the same place for a long time, I longed to be in another place, I longed for a change of scenery. I recently learned that really the only reason we moved back to the states, was because my sister and I wanted to go to college in the U.S. and not really monetary reasons, Actually money has never really beenn the issue, even though, each move has been better than the next, it was never about the money. I always held the belief that the main reason behind each move was money, but really, it was more for personal growth, for a betterment as a family and it worked. I think Manlius is the house that brought us really close as a family. For the first time, my dad is truly present in my memories, he is actually there and my mom and my sister and I created this dynamic trio, for lack of a better expression, where we depended on each other for everything. This house gave me the opportunity to branch out, and take leaps and discover myself and to laugh again. I reference this house to my very first home, it is almost the better version of it. It was big and with unnecessary rooms, but if felt cozy at the same time. It was in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in town, therefore it was really knew and it had a pool, a big pool. I remember one time walking into the pool supplies store and telling the guy what kind of pool we had and him saying, that's one of the biggest pools in the area....I always thought that was funny. The only think I disliked about this house, was again the plants, this time they were outside of the house though. Huge flower beds, three sort of steps of them surrounded the house, so that when spring came around, it became a family tradition that took an entire weekend to get mulch together and remulch all the flower beds, re-mat, take weeds out, plant new flowers and I planted lillies, white and red...but I got pink ones instead.
and so this house just taught me to love and to understand what true love is, what connections mean, to your inner self, to your family, to the place you live in and to FRIENDS. I gained some of the most marvelous friends ever, they are some of the most amazing, talented, kind, fun people I know and through them, my memories have been created as the epitome of perfection. This is the house and the time I would go back to if I could.
and so this house just taught me to love and to understand what true love is, what connections mean, to your inner self, to your family, to the place you live in and to FRIENDS. I gained some of the most marvelous friends ever, they are some of the most amazing, talented, kind, fun people I know and through them, my memories have been created as the epitome of perfection. This is the house and the time I would go back to if I could.
Toluca
I honestly have no recollection of any part of the address for the house, and it shocks me that I sit here trying to remember but I can't. This house taught me a lot, that last sentence may look weird, but I relate this house to maturity, to growing up, more importantly to waking up to reality. I found myself moving back to Mexico at a critical age. The age where you are trying to define yourself, and do not really understand who you are and what you stand for. I found my world changing from the way I carried myself to the life style that I was used to, to the language, to the friends, to the food, everything changed. I think this house made me go from stuck up and taking things for granted to being humble or learning what the word humble means. Even though I have no memory of the address of this house, I genuinly love this house. At the beginning I hated it it, it was cold, it had an ugly hideous color on the outside and a stupid ugly column made out of rock. The windows looked as if they were going to fall out and they were everywhere, this house honeslty had unnecessary windows. There was also a ridiculous plant garden in the middle of the house, with a sun roof over it. The sun roof however was lifted a bit so that when it rained, water would sip through the opening and invade our living room, I guess the architect thought that rain would be good for the plants, and the couch and the floor. Rain season was honestly not fun, we would have to put buckets out by this, I don't even know what to call it structure and rags and mops. Whenever we were somewhere else, and we saw that it started to rain, we would rush home, so we could prevent our living room from flooding. It wasn't just a simple flower bed though, it was a major structure, that was part of the house, it was so big that we had two trees inside the house. It was just incredibly weird and for the longest time I honestly disliked it. And then it started to grow on me. I spent some of the most memorable moments in this house and slowly, I started to care for the plants in the garden. I can feel the smell of lavender and lilac everytime I walked by and how much I enjoyed it. It felt like a very clean house, it always felt fresh, there was always sunlight coming in and although there was no heat in it, it felt warm, it felt cozy. It embraced and welcomed me and I think in a way, it was ok with me having a love/hate relationship with it. I'm sitting here, laughing at how ridiculous this house was, but if I could go back, I would.
I learned to view my mom as a woman, as an intelligent woman who can take on anything she wishes and be good at it. I think I always knew this about her, but she was so limited in the States, and hre she freed herself, she became herself again. And I love this house for that, I picture my mom just taking control over everything that happened in this house fully, nothing ever escaped her and she loved this house. You know its weird, because houses in Mexico are made of concrete, but as a structure/building, it felt the most unstable, it felt kind of fake and like it would fall apart immediatly. From the carpet, to the window, to the, just everything, it felt fragile.
I gained the most amazing friends during these years, I got in touch with a part of me that I adore, my heritage became incredibly important, I understood what pride for a country or for your own background really is and I loved it. I felt genuinly happy, liked I belonged there, even though I knew that it wasn't the best of life styles. It was rustic, it was earthy, it was real.
ridiculously funny and heart felt.
I learned to view my mom as a woman, as an intelligent woman who can take on anything she wishes and be good at it. I think I always knew this about her, but she was so limited in the States, and hre she freed herself, she became herself again. And I love this house for that, I picture my mom just taking control over everything that happened in this house fully, nothing ever escaped her and she loved this house. You know its weird, because houses in Mexico are made of concrete, but as a structure/building, it felt the most unstable, it felt kind of fake and like it would fall apart immediatly. From the carpet, to the window, to the, just everything, it felt fragile.
I gained the most amazing friends during these years, I got in touch with a part of me that I adore, my heritage became incredibly important, I understood what pride for a country or for your own background really is and I loved it. I felt genuinly happy, liked I belonged there, even though I knew that it wasn't the best of life styles. It was rustic, it was earthy, it was real.
ridiculously funny and heart felt.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
...oh I think i did...
I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
This song is even better if you've seen Music and Lyrics...you know what im talking about ;)
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
This song is even better if you've seen Music and Lyrics...you know what im talking about ;)
Thursday, March 01, 2007
201 Rose Brier, Rochester Hills, MI 48???
I don't know about this house, I have clear memories of what it looked like, but I have no real attachment to it. I don't think I ever liked it much. In fact...I don't know that I feel much of anything for it.
It was a ranch style house, peachy colors all over, It was big, and most definitely a step up from the previous two houses. It was big, with wooden frames all over the windows and doors, we had never had that, it had beautiful finishes. I disliked the kitchen with a passion though, I infact don't even remember what that kitchen looked like, or myself in it. The master's bedroom was huge and so were the bathrooms, the basement was finished so that it could be a second floor to the house but we never really used it. i did like the living room, it was a huge huge space with high ceilings and a gorgoeous fire place surrounded by limestone. We spent a lot of time here, our favorite were rainy sundays when we would rent movies and order pizza and we would just have a movie afternoon and it was oh so fun. I think this was the time when I watched the most movies in my life ever, that was fun. My sister and I continued to have dance parties of course, I was becoming a better dancer, never as good as my sister though. I remember very clearly a racoon in our backyard....
And, we lived infront of a powerline so whenever it rained or we had thunderstrom the line would snap and we would be left without light and omg how I hated that, it scared me to death. So although as a family we were happy, and we had lots of new things, new furniture, new big house, new cars, it was a lonely time, we had a lot more family friends and stuff but at aleast for me it was a time of growing up that I did not like, I don't think I liked the idea of having to grow up or stop being a kid, i was not ready for that change.
I don't really have much more to say about this house, it was just...not life changing, except for the fact that it was a bigger house, better life I guess, but ehh...
It was a ranch style house, peachy colors all over, It was big, and most definitely a step up from the previous two houses. It was big, with wooden frames all over the windows and doors, we had never had that, it had beautiful finishes. I disliked the kitchen with a passion though, I infact don't even remember what that kitchen looked like, or myself in it. The master's bedroom was huge and so were the bathrooms, the basement was finished so that it could be a second floor to the house but we never really used it. i did like the living room, it was a huge huge space with high ceilings and a gorgoeous fire place surrounded by limestone. We spent a lot of time here, our favorite were rainy sundays when we would rent movies and order pizza and we would just have a movie afternoon and it was oh so fun. I think this was the time when I watched the most movies in my life ever, that was fun. My sister and I continued to have dance parties of course, I was becoming a better dancer, never as good as my sister though. I remember very clearly a racoon in our backyard....
And, we lived infront of a powerline so whenever it rained or we had thunderstrom the line would snap and we would be left without light and omg how I hated that, it scared me to death. So although as a family we were happy, and we had lots of new things, new furniture, new big house, new cars, it was a lonely time, we had a lot more family friends and stuff but at aleast for me it was a time of growing up that I did not like, I don't think I liked the idea of having to grow up or stop being a kid, i was not ready for that change.
I don't really have much more to say about this house, it was just...not life changing, except for the fact that it was a bigger house, better life I guess, but ehh...
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
river oaks
More than an address, which I hardly remember lets see...
28?? crest????
Rochester Hills Michigan
483??
I remember this home as River oaks, it was a condo neighborhood, where, I still do not understand why, all mexican families who moved to the US, due to the fact that they worked for Chrysler (head quarters about 5 miles away from river oaks) or GM, moved in to river oaks. It still makes no sense to me, what I remember the most is that no one really got along, there was a lot of envy and competiton. People simply behaved differently and I did not like it.
At home, that is with my mom, dad and sister, it was not bad. The magic that existed in Las Alamedas was no longer there, as if I had suddenly woken up to reality at the age of nine. And, I do believe I lost that sense of innocence and fantasy about the world because I began to feel disillusion, I began to understand what missing really meant and I began to feel and see that people do not always fit in.
My sister and I of course, were closer to each other than ever, I think here is were I understood the meaning of sisterly love, not that at that time i comprehended it as such, but looking back, I cherished her presense more than anything. We spent a lot of time together, I remember first moving in my dad was oh so proud because for the first time we had a microwave and we loved making popcorn and watching the bag inflate. For the first time, we had a room that had matching furniture, all in pink and like princesses we lived in this house. It was still small, bigger than the house in mexico. Everything was new though, the carpet was not the cheap kind, but fluffy and beige, it smelled of fresh paint and we had a huge window with slilding doors that took you to a balcony, that was a big deal. The relationship between my parents improved a whole lot, there was much much less bickering and yelling and my dad is present in my memories like never before. I never acknolwedged him for this, but he really took care of us, he made sure we felt welcome and safe and he was so proud to be able to offer us this house. I remember the first thing he bought my sister and I when we moved there was a boom box, a nice one too, I think we still have it and so, for fear of not knowing how the world worked in rocherster hills michigan, we would spend hhours listening to Shakira and coloring Pocahontas coloring books in our parents room. My dad, this makes me laugh so much, he decided that Karla and I were only aloud to watch tv in english so that we would pick up the language, so we did, until he realized that we were losing our spanish, because we spent the entire day speaking english and listening to english, so on one of his trips down to Mexico, he bought us spelling and grammar books for the spanish language and told us that we were only aloud to watch tv in spanish. Its almost as if we lived in our own little world in that house, it was our safe space were we could be the family we were in mexico. In school, people would talk about movies or tv shows and i had no idea what they were referring to, because i only watched tv in spanish. I like it thouggh, I liked that feeling of being safe. My mom became my hero at this time, she was so alone, and I did not see this at first but she never asked for that big change in her life and still today, I don't think she has managed to rid herself of that loneliness or feeling of loneliness. She did it all though, she went out and on her own learned about this little town, and where to go to find things, she tried so hard to embrace the culture like my sister and I had, and so she...made hot dogs for us and instead of cooking everything fresh, she used frozen foods and meat, and she began to understand that life was made easier being here.
I guess this house for us, was a way to embrace an easier life, to understand that things could be different and little by little we did. Still, we were always safe in our little condo, watching tv in spanish and having a sense of wonder at all that we had never had before. It was as if we realized that life did not have to be that hard. Whenever we talk about this phase in our lives, my dad always said, that right there was the moment when we stopped having debts and ever since then, we have never been in debt with anybody.
So it was a great house, but it was not fulfillment, we were all still missing something and with people around us always bickering and gossiping, it was not the place to be.
It did create a stronger bond btwn the four of us though, that I am oh so thankful for, most definitely. We learned to roller blade together, we went to school together (four of us learning from each other about the english language) and we went for walks together, it was like it was the four of us or nothing bc that was all we had, each other.
Now that I think about it, there was also a hill by this house, but instead of facing it, we were on top of it...wow...weird.
I don't know what would happen if I ever went back, I don't know if it would trigger nostalgia, I think it would trigger memories of the smells, it always smelled like dove soap. It was another one of our discoveries I think, nice pink dove soap and it always smelled like new. It was always warm during winter or cool during summer, that we liked and it was just neat and organized a perfect little box where the lights never went out, water never went cold or ran out, all those things, it was just an easier worry free life it seemed.
I saw snow for the first time, well not the first time, but legit snow that lasted teh entire winter season, I guess this house provided for a lot of firsts and for that I do remember it with happy tears.
top of hill
lots of first instances
worry free life- which made us all smile
sudden waking up- less of a child
bond btwn family
smells
surroundings- not so pleasant.
28?? crest????
Rochester Hills Michigan
483??
I remember this home as River oaks, it was a condo neighborhood, where, I still do not understand why, all mexican families who moved to the US, due to the fact that they worked for Chrysler (head quarters about 5 miles away from river oaks) or GM, moved in to river oaks. It still makes no sense to me, what I remember the most is that no one really got along, there was a lot of envy and competiton. People simply behaved differently and I did not like it.
At home, that is with my mom, dad and sister, it was not bad. The magic that existed in Las Alamedas was no longer there, as if I had suddenly woken up to reality at the age of nine. And, I do believe I lost that sense of innocence and fantasy about the world because I began to feel disillusion, I began to understand what missing really meant and I began to feel and see that people do not always fit in.
My sister and I of course, were closer to each other than ever, I think here is were I understood the meaning of sisterly love, not that at that time i comprehended it as such, but looking back, I cherished her presense more than anything. We spent a lot of time together, I remember first moving in my dad was oh so proud because for the first time we had a microwave and we loved making popcorn and watching the bag inflate. For the first time, we had a room that had matching furniture, all in pink and like princesses we lived in this house. It was still small, bigger than the house in mexico. Everything was new though, the carpet was not the cheap kind, but fluffy and beige, it smelled of fresh paint and we had a huge window with slilding doors that took you to a balcony, that was a big deal. The relationship between my parents improved a whole lot, there was much much less bickering and yelling and my dad is present in my memories like never before. I never acknolwedged him for this, but he really took care of us, he made sure we felt welcome and safe and he was so proud to be able to offer us this house. I remember the first thing he bought my sister and I when we moved there was a boom box, a nice one too, I think we still have it and so, for fear of not knowing how the world worked in rocherster hills michigan, we would spend hhours listening to Shakira and coloring Pocahontas coloring books in our parents room. My dad, this makes me laugh so much, he decided that Karla and I were only aloud to watch tv in english so that we would pick up the language, so we did, until he realized that we were losing our spanish, because we spent the entire day speaking english and listening to english, so on one of his trips down to Mexico, he bought us spelling and grammar books for the spanish language and told us that we were only aloud to watch tv in spanish. Its almost as if we lived in our own little world in that house, it was our safe space were we could be the family we were in mexico. In school, people would talk about movies or tv shows and i had no idea what they were referring to, because i only watched tv in spanish. I like it thouggh, I liked that feeling of being safe. My mom became my hero at this time, she was so alone, and I did not see this at first but she never asked for that big change in her life and still today, I don't think she has managed to rid herself of that loneliness or feeling of loneliness. She did it all though, she went out and on her own learned about this little town, and where to go to find things, she tried so hard to embrace the culture like my sister and I had, and so she...made hot dogs for us and instead of cooking everything fresh, she used frozen foods and meat, and she began to understand that life was made easier being here.
I guess this house for us, was a way to embrace an easier life, to understand that things could be different and little by little we did. Still, we were always safe in our little condo, watching tv in spanish and having a sense of wonder at all that we had never had before. It was as if we realized that life did not have to be that hard. Whenever we talk about this phase in our lives, my dad always said, that right there was the moment when we stopped having debts and ever since then, we have never been in debt with anybody.
So it was a great house, but it was not fulfillment, we were all still missing something and with people around us always bickering and gossiping, it was not the place to be.
It did create a stronger bond btwn the four of us though, that I am oh so thankful for, most definitely. We learned to roller blade together, we went to school together (four of us learning from each other about the english language) and we went for walks together, it was like it was the four of us or nothing bc that was all we had, each other.
Now that I think about it, there was also a hill by this house, but instead of facing it, we were on top of it...wow...weird.
I don't know what would happen if I ever went back, I don't know if it would trigger nostalgia, I think it would trigger memories of the smells, it always smelled like dove soap. It was another one of our discoveries I think, nice pink dove soap and it always smelled like new. It was always warm during winter or cool during summer, that we liked and it was just neat and organized a perfect little box where the lights never went out, water never went cold or ran out, all those things, it was just an easier worry free life it seemed.
I saw snow for the first time, well not the first time, but legit snow that lasted teh entire winter season, I guess this house provided for a lot of firsts and for that I do remember it with happy tears.
top of hill
lots of first instances
worry free life- which made us all smile
sudden waking up- less of a child
bond btwn family
smells
surroundings- not so pleasant.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
c-o-m-m-i-t-m-e-n-t
So with all this writing and thinking...better word sorting of thoughts, I've realized that I have a fear of commitment, not that I don't want to commit or that I don't believe in commitment and feel that it is an important aspect of living, because I do, I strongly believe it is. Somehow, I cannot give in to it. It is not just a fear of commitment to people, it is a fear of commitment to everything that makes me feel unstable. Like, school, career, HOME, friends, even with God and yes perhaps, most likely, that with my relationship.
I wish I could just trust destiny, I so believe in it and know that it is the way in w hich I wish to live my life because so many times it has been proven to me that, all happens for a reason. Lately however, I end up with a feeling that I do not deserve, that happiness is temporary because I should prepare for what is next to come, I can't just live in utter bliss. I know its wrong, I tell myself, Ana what is up with that!? and more importantly, when you look back at these years so will be hitting yourself against a wall bc you did not enjoy those years....that's a little dramatic, I do enjoy these years and times, I just end up worrying too much about the future and about whats to come because I don't trust that God will carry me through, and that I will be able to identify his love and him being there. That has got to change, I wish to simply give in, to just do to do and enjoy to enjoy, to think about the future, but simply as hope, not as a threat to the events that are going on in my life right now.
Emm...as promised here is the first part of my house series, not as in the tv show but as in all the homes that I have had, it is a recap of what i lived through in these places, the emotions that these have created and left in my heart, the memories I have of these, etc.
I realized that I have more memories from the past, that is, better memories from the past but they are faded, like antique history, sooo long ago that I don't even know if they truly belong to me, but they are beautiful memories, even in their pain, they have shaped me and therefore, i cherish them.
calle pavorreal #77, LAS ALAMEDAS, atizapan de zaragoza, edo. de mexico. Mexico
oh how lovely that house seems, i feel as if i could stretch out and touch it, in my mind it is perfect and yet i know that it was small and full of imperfections, the last time i stepped in that house i cried because i remembered of the last time i had been there and how i had cried bc my mother did not want to leave and my father hugged her like i had never seen. it stands in lovely beautiiful Mexico, in the outskirts of mexico city, it is a duplex home with three small rooms, one bathroom, a small kitchen, a big living room and a dining room. it is surrounded by a black fence all around. The windows have black bars going veritcally infront of the glass, this was suppose to keep us safe, or at least give anyone who ever attempted to break in, a hard time. No one ever did break in. Now I realize that at that time I thought I was safe, that that fence and those bars kept me safe. the back was a concrete patio, the front had a small garden, really only a square of grass, but it was beautiful and my mother took good care of it. here is were I grew up, were i talked and walked and played and learned about the world, it was the perfect little life. It infact was not so at all, at that time I was too young (i lived there till the age of nine) to understand that we did not have a good living situation. Until I was six or seven, my mom sister and I walked about a mile to school everyday because we only had one car. I remember nights of constant screaming between my dad and my mom, those screams still reach the bottom of my soul and make the tears pour out from my eyes. It is distant bickering however, it is simply the feeling of being young and not knowing why so much screaming goes on. My sister and I explored the world through this house however. The best part about growing up, maybe even about being alive is that, I have never been alone. My twin sister and I have shared everything, everything, and without envy for each other, we still share things to this day. We painted an entire wall in our house with markers, my parents laughed and took pictures. We created an entire zoo out of animal crackers in my parents room, she does not remember this, but our mom was not happy. I remember that a lot of the time she would step out of the house to go to the store, or go here or there and we would stay at home alone. My sister hated that, she would cry and run after her, not understanding that mom would always come back, and all I could do was to try to comfort her. It's funny because later on roles switched between us. We also knew how to have fun though. Her and I loved it when it rained and hailed because we would wait for the rain to stop and run out with buckets and collect the little balls of ice, and of course by the time we went back inside the house, we would have buckets full of water, but omg how much fun that was Ana writes as she smiles to herself. We loved to dance and sing. We would have dance parties in our living room and my sister has always been a better dancer than myself but I always loved to follow. The greatest days were when our parents would wake us up early mornings and have us look outside the window and show us how they were setting up our kiddy pool. We would spend the afternoon there and eat cucumbers and pate with crackers. And of course, the christmas season and January 6th, the Three Magic Kings day, when children in Mexico get all their gifts (santa is not so big down there) and mom would play with us and sometimes let us miss school so the three of us could have a play day.
It is sad to say but, my dad is somehow absent from these memories, I know he was there, he always has been, I feel his presence in my memories, but I do not see him as clearly as I see my mom. He has always worked hard, hard, for us and for his own ambitions, I know ambitions has a negative connotation but not in his case, he just always wished to emerge and stand out.
This house was in front of a...smaller than a mountain, bigger that a hill...we loved to take walks up there, it was always a great achievement when we got to the top and my dad would ride his motorcycle up there, which i loved by the way. Later on though, houses began to be built there and oh how we disliked it because it suddenly felt less peaceful and earthy, it felt crowded...
Since the house was up on the hill, our back windows faced the valley and at night we could see all the city lights, and although my sister and I could barely reach, we loved staring out that window, day or night, we loved to observe.
And finally, that kitchen, we were little mice in that kitchen, climbing up on the counter, reaching cabinets, hiding under the sink, pulling up chairs to reach the cereal boxes above the fridge, it was all a big game and the last time we were in that house, this was the memory that made my mother cry.
dream about house.
Nostalgia
mother and kitchen
absent memories of father,
earthy beauty
fences
observing
I wish I could just trust destiny, I so believe in it and know that it is the way in w hich I wish to live my life because so many times it has been proven to me that, all happens for a reason. Lately however, I end up with a feeling that I do not deserve, that happiness is temporary because I should prepare for what is next to come, I can't just live in utter bliss. I know its wrong, I tell myself, Ana what is up with that!? and more importantly, when you look back at these years so will be hitting yourself against a wall bc you did not enjoy those years....that's a little dramatic, I do enjoy these years and times, I just end up worrying too much about the future and about whats to come because I don't trust that God will carry me through, and that I will be able to identify his love and him being there. That has got to change, I wish to simply give in, to just do to do and enjoy to enjoy, to think about the future, but simply as hope, not as a threat to the events that are going on in my life right now.
Emm...as promised here is the first part of my house series, not as in the tv show but as in all the homes that I have had, it is a recap of what i lived through in these places, the emotions that these have created and left in my heart, the memories I have of these, etc.
I realized that I have more memories from the past, that is, better memories from the past but they are faded, like antique history, sooo long ago that I don't even know if they truly belong to me, but they are beautiful memories, even in their pain, they have shaped me and therefore, i cherish them.
calle pavorreal #77, LAS ALAMEDAS, atizapan de zaragoza, edo. de mexico. Mexico
oh how lovely that house seems, i feel as if i could stretch out and touch it, in my mind it is perfect and yet i know that it was small and full of imperfections, the last time i stepped in that house i cried because i remembered of the last time i had been there and how i had cried bc my mother did not want to leave and my father hugged her like i had never seen. it stands in lovely beautiiful Mexico, in the outskirts of mexico city, it is a duplex home with three small rooms, one bathroom, a small kitchen, a big living room and a dining room. it is surrounded by a black fence all around. The windows have black bars going veritcally infront of the glass, this was suppose to keep us safe, or at least give anyone who ever attempted to break in, a hard time. No one ever did break in. Now I realize that at that time I thought I was safe, that that fence and those bars kept me safe. the back was a concrete patio, the front had a small garden, really only a square of grass, but it was beautiful and my mother took good care of it. here is were I grew up, were i talked and walked and played and learned about the world, it was the perfect little life. It infact was not so at all, at that time I was too young (i lived there till the age of nine) to understand that we did not have a good living situation. Until I was six or seven, my mom sister and I walked about a mile to school everyday because we only had one car. I remember nights of constant screaming between my dad and my mom, those screams still reach the bottom of my soul and make the tears pour out from my eyes. It is distant bickering however, it is simply the feeling of being young and not knowing why so much screaming goes on. My sister and I explored the world through this house however. The best part about growing up, maybe even about being alive is that, I have never been alone. My twin sister and I have shared everything, everything, and without envy for each other, we still share things to this day. We painted an entire wall in our house with markers, my parents laughed and took pictures. We created an entire zoo out of animal crackers in my parents room, she does not remember this, but our mom was not happy. I remember that a lot of the time she would step out of the house to go to the store, or go here or there and we would stay at home alone. My sister hated that, she would cry and run after her, not understanding that mom would always come back, and all I could do was to try to comfort her. It's funny because later on roles switched between us. We also knew how to have fun though. Her and I loved it when it rained and hailed because we would wait for the rain to stop and run out with buckets and collect the little balls of ice, and of course by the time we went back inside the house, we would have buckets full of water, but omg how much fun that was Ana writes as she smiles to herself. We loved to dance and sing. We would have dance parties in our living room and my sister has always been a better dancer than myself but I always loved to follow. The greatest days were when our parents would wake us up early mornings and have us look outside the window and show us how they were setting up our kiddy pool. We would spend the afternoon there and eat cucumbers and pate with crackers. And of course, the christmas season and January 6th, the Three Magic Kings day, when children in Mexico get all their gifts (santa is not so big down there) and mom would play with us and sometimes let us miss school so the three of us could have a play day.
It is sad to say but, my dad is somehow absent from these memories, I know he was there, he always has been, I feel his presence in my memories, but I do not see him as clearly as I see my mom. He has always worked hard, hard, for us and for his own ambitions, I know ambitions has a negative connotation but not in his case, he just always wished to emerge and stand out.
This house was in front of a...smaller than a mountain, bigger that a hill...we loved to take walks up there, it was always a great achievement when we got to the top and my dad would ride his motorcycle up there, which i loved by the way. Later on though, houses began to be built there and oh how we disliked it because it suddenly felt less peaceful and earthy, it felt crowded...
Since the house was up on the hill, our back windows faced the valley and at night we could see all the city lights, and although my sister and I could barely reach, we loved staring out that window, day or night, we loved to observe.
And finally, that kitchen, we were little mice in that kitchen, climbing up on the counter, reaching cabinets, hiding under the sink, pulling up chairs to reach the cereal boxes above the fridge, it was all a big game and the last time we were in that house, this was the memory that made my mother cry.
dream about house.
Nostalgia
mother and kitchen
absent memories of father,
earthy beauty
fences
observing
Monday, February 26, 2007
true essence
Oh man, do you ever just feel the need to write, the words just pour out from your fingers and your fingers type as fast as your mind can think??? It is a sense of need for release, and I don't know why or what from but it is oh soooo needed. It's not a bad thing, not at all, its not even anxiety or anger, it's just a creative need to let go of something that once out, will make me see this world differently, it is a good shift as I like to call it.
So I will write and write until I can write no more and maybe then, I will see, just what it is that needed so badly to get out :)
you know, growing up is good, growing up just creates the chance for memories and those are great things.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about this concept of memories and it astonishes me just how complicated we are, our world is really. How can something only present and tangible in our minds be real? Did we create it, is it really there, Will one day I wake up and realize that it was all a dream and that I live in a very disticnt world? and if not...think about this, our memories are usually from years past so, really, the only way we ever see ourselves is at a younger age, a younger version of ourselves and soooo...is that younger version of ourselves true to who we are now? does personality and characteristics withstand who we are today?
I would like to think so, I would like to think that the person I was 10 years ago, is simply a younger greener version nof what I am today because if this is so, then it means that I have created a true person, that I do not seek to create myself or renew myself in the eyes of others, only in my own eyes and of course in the eyes of my faith.
I saw a picture of myself from when I was five or six years old and I compared it to one taken 2 months ago, and I have the exact same grin on my face, it is a grin of funny discontent most likely because I did not want to have my picture taken, but its the same face, and it made me laugh and it made me happy because it means that my true essence is still there.
Speaking of true essence, i have been thinking long and hard about this too and home...house...place to live...place to grow, what is a house to me?
I don't think I really understand but these two ideas, home and memories are clearly strongly intertwined (is that a word?) when it comes to talking about my crazy i don't know what to call it anymore life. I used to want to find an explanation for all the moving, like maybe there was some sort of secret plan waiting for me at the end, im not sure of that anymore and sooo with this, I wish to recall every single house I've lived in and write about it, just simply record what is so great and specical about it and maybe then I will find links btwn each house, a clue to lead me to the true sign and root of it all, I think it is quite possible, and I think going back in time will also help me gain a higher understanding of myself.
Oh my goodness how fun this will all be, I cannot wait and can I just say that as far as being home in Shebly these past days, it has been amazing, some of the best memories yet and I cannot wait to be 40 and look back at these years because oh how glorious these memories will seem.
Anyhow...here begins a series of writings and notes about the places I've been, how they have marked or not marked my lilfe and the root of it all, what is it that we are looking for in a house that we have not been able to find????
that is...it will begin tmw, right now it is beauty sleep time.
So I will write and write until I can write no more and maybe then, I will see, just what it is that needed so badly to get out :)
you know, growing up is good, growing up just creates the chance for memories and those are great things.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about this concept of memories and it astonishes me just how complicated we are, our world is really. How can something only present and tangible in our minds be real? Did we create it, is it really there, Will one day I wake up and realize that it was all a dream and that I live in a very disticnt world? and if not...think about this, our memories are usually from years past so, really, the only way we ever see ourselves is at a younger age, a younger version of ourselves and soooo...is that younger version of ourselves true to who we are now? does personality and characteristics withstand who we are today?
I would like to think so, I would like to think that the person I was 10 years ago, is simply a younger greener version nof what I am today because if this is so, then it means that I have created a true person, that I do not seek to create myself or renew myself in the eyes of others, only in my own eyes and of course in the eyes of my faith.
I saw a picture of myself from when I was five or six years old and I compared it to one taken 2 months ago, and I have the exact same grin on my face, it is a grin of funny discontent most likely because I did not want to have my picture taken, but its the same face, and it made me laugh and it made me happy because it means that my true essence is still there.
Speaking of true essence, i have been thinking long and hard about this too and home...house...place to live...place to grow, what is a house to me?
I don't think I really understand but these two ideas, home and memories are clearly strongly intertwined (is that a word?) when it comes to talking about my crazy i don't know what to call it anymore life. I used to want to find an explanation for all the moving, like maybe there was some sort of secret plan waiting for me at the end, im not sure of that anymore and sooo with this, I wish to recall every single house I've lived in and write about it, just simply record what is so great and specical about it and maybe then I will find links btwn each house, a clue to lead me to the true sign and root of it all, I think it is quite possible, and I think going back in time will also help me gain a higher understanding of myself.
Oh my goodness how fun this will all be, I cannot wait and can I just say that as far as being home in Shebly these past days, it has been amazing, some of the best memories yet and I cannot wait to be 40 and look back at these years because oh how glorious these memories will seem.
Anyhow...here begins a series of writings and notes about the places I've been, how they have marked or not marked my lilfe and the root of it all, what is it that we are looking for in a house that we have not been able to find????
that is...it will begin tmw, right now it is beauty sleep time.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Hand in my Pocket
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab...
~Alanis.
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab...
~Alanis.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
on being a college student
I was told that yesterday was a good day to sit down and write and lately I dont have many of those days and so I was going to write but then...I forgot. I did not know that I could become such a forgetful person but I have... thats beside the point though. I wanted to sit down and write because being a student what do we do...study right?
And so, a lot of times it feels like we simply work to get done, to turn in a paper for a good grade, but we dont take the time to enjoy what we are learning. yesterday was different, I realize that i have gone through a sort of...shift I guess is the word, I am actually enjoying the work that I do, I want to spend the time doing it and yesterday was such a great day to show me just how great things can be. I didn't even feel all the time that I spent doing or learing...that is until I sat down at around midnight and it hit me that I was exhausted, but...it is so hard to explain, it is just a great feeling, things suddenly just click.
I have been going non stop, I no longer have time to sit down and waste time, every second I have, I have to be doing something, otherwise I fall behind, but I do not mind it, I delight in it, there is just such a sense of wonder, like I know there is something great at the end of this and I can almost see it.
I havent practiced yoga in a while, which is really sad, I really need to make time for that and find a place where I can actually do it, but, my instructor spent a lot of time saying, actually feel your positive energy flowing through you, create it from within and I meditated the other day and it worked, it really really worked. you find yourself smiling without telling yourself to smile, it just happens and it was wow...i need to become a yoga instructor one day, it is on my list of things to do.
Unto a not so happy note, my grandpa was in the hospital the entire week last week and it was a lesson for all of us I think. My dad has spent the past months looking for his...birthfather? like his real dad, because the man I know as my grandpa adopted him when he was little, and he finally found him and he was thrilled to find him and know about him, and suddenly my grandpa gets sick on the verge of a heart attack and it devestated my dad but I think it put things in perspective for him. He flew down to Mexico and spend a lot a lot of time with my grandpa and to think about that makes me so happy because, that right there, is unconditional love, it is the kind of example that God puts in our lives to say...look at all the great things that I have given you, why must you go and search somewhere else. The only thing is I wish that I knew my grandpa better, I feel so distant from him and when I found out about his condition the only thing that I could think of was..I feel scared, for my dad, I dont want my dad to hurt or suffer but...nothing else. It is the type of things that you give up for this kind of life, and I have the best of both worlds but how I wish I knew him better.
During the weekend I went to visit my mom, and although I think I will be ok with them moving away, even though it is only 3 hours away, I don't think I will be. I worry about her, when we are little the world is worry free and the older we get, the more responsible we feel for people, we feel that we have to be there for them, and I don't want to not be there for my mom.
The rest is piece of cake :)
ps. one of my favorite parts of the day...smiling at strangers and having them smile back.
or when professors congratulate me
or when people tell me how great and precious and glorious I am
or when I get to relax...shower time
or when I get to spend time with a certain kid.
And so, a lot of times it feels like we simply work to get done, to turn in a paper for a good grade, but we dont take the time to enjoy what we are learning. yesterday was different, I realize that i have gone through a sort of...shift I guess is the word, I am actually enjoying the work that I do, I want to spend the time doing it and yesterday was such a great day to show me just how great things can be. I didn't even feel all the time that I spent doing or learing...that is until I sat down at around midnight and it hit me that I was exhausted, but...it is so hard to explain, it is just a great feeling, things suddenly just click.
I have been going non stop, I no longer have time to sit down and waste time, every second I have, I have to be doing something, otherwise I fall behind, but I do not mind it, I delight in it, there is just such a sense of wonder, like I know there is something great at the end of this and I can almost see it.
I havent practiced yoga in a while, which is really sad, I really need to make time for that and find a place where I can actually do it, but, my instructor spent a lot of time saying, actually feel your positive energy flowing through you, create it from within and I meditated the other day and it worked, it really really worked. you find yourself smiling without telling yourself to smile, it just happens and it was wow...i need to become a yoga instructor one day, it is on my list of things to do.
Unto a not so happy note, my grandpa was in the hospital the entire week last week and it was a lesson for all of us I think. My dad has spent the past months looking for his...birthfather? like his real dad, because the man I know as my grandpa adopted him when he was little, and he finally found him and he was thrilled to find him and know about him, and suddenly my grandpa gets sick on the verge of a heart attack and it devestated my dad but I think it put things in perspective for him. He flew down to Mexico and spend a lot a lot of time with my grandpa and to think about that makes me so happy because, that right there, is unconditional love, it is the kind of example that God puts in our lives to say...look at all the great things that I have given you, why must you go and search somewhere else. The only thing is I wish that I knew my grandpa better, I feel so distant from him and when I found out about his condition the only thing that I could think of was..I feel scared, for my dad, I dont want my dad to hurt or suffer but...nothing else. It is the type of things that you give up for this kind of life, and I have the best of both worlds but how I wish I knew him better.
During the weekend I went to visit my mom, and although I think I will be ok with them moving away, even though it is only 3 hours away, I don't think I will be. I worry about her, when we are little the world is worry free and the older we get, the more responsible we feel for people, we feel that we have to be there for them, and I don't want to not be there for my mom.
The rest is piece of cake :)
ps. one of my favorite parts of the day...smiling at strangers and having them smile back.
or when professors congratulate me
or when people tell me how great and precious and glorious I am
or when I get to relax...shower time
or when I get to spend time with a certain kid.
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