here with me

I didnt hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
I dont want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
Ill do what I want
But I cant hide
I wont go
I wont sleep
I cant breathe
Until youre resting here with me
I wont leave
I cant hide
I cannot be
Until your resting here with me

I dont want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I cant leave this bed
Risk forgetting all thats been

Oh I am what I am
Ill do what I want
But I cant hide
I wont go
I wont sleep
I cant breathe
Until youre resting here with me
I wont leave
I cant hide
I cannot be
Until your resting here with me
~dido

to be invited

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will cahse after her loveres but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them (Hos. 2:6-7)

And then...

I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her. (Hos. 2:14)

...appreciate everything that you have, the sun early in the morning and the breeze at night, they are all gifts and I understood faith before, but now I feel like I know that which I understood (there is a difference) and to take that leap, to take that leap is absolutely amazing.

Oh la!

Well, its all just a little bit of history repeating.

mmm ready??? go!

It's been a long journey, actually...not that long
its been short but filled with it all, and the greatest part of all, I must say is knowing myself through the struggle, not settling for...I quit, or I am not enough, but knowing that there is something better on the other side of the bridge, so I will keep running, I will keep smiling and I will gather strength from within because that is where it all begins. From within, the desires and the dreams and the wishes that belong to me, that where embedded in me, are there for a reason and I will not settle and I will find my way and there is something amazing waiting.
The hardest thing to undersand for me has been, knowing how to balance those desires and beliefs with trust. Knowing that I ultimately have no control over things and that I need to know how to trust, that has been the hardest part. Giving in to trust has been such a hard challenge, but I think I'm there and let me tell you, that I'm understanding and that if I- the most impatient person in the world- have learned to trust, that you can too and once you do, beauty takes over.
This life is so much harder than they paint it to be, it has so much more than we think we can handle, but if we just trust... we find ourselves back in the utter faithfulness and a radiating light waiting to shine from within our soul...are you smiling at yourself? Bc, I can't seem to stop smiling at myself and this new found understanding.
I'm standing right where I want to be.

never stare at a pot of water waiting to boil

...because it won't...
The moment you turn around and prevent yourself from watching it...it will boil
and that is a fact...take it from me, the most impatient person in the world I know!

ay ay ay....I love saying that...ay ay ay
does it ever happen to you that you are about to start speaking about something and then you breathe in deeply and you exhale and you go...eh...not really worth it?

my hair smelled like cotton candy the other day and then I wanted some, so I ate marshmallows, but it was so not the same thing.
I like it when my room smells pretty, makes it harmonious.

I'll stop beating around the bush... I hate that expression, ha, ill stop going around in circles...better
you know what expression I really like, jack squat, haha, how funny is that! jack squat, delightful!
anyway, I'm about to go clean out my locker in the art school and the other day I cleaned out my mail box, my screen from fibers, I took the name of off everything that "belonged" to me here at the art school. I hugged my professors good-bye because I won't be seeing them anymore, not even in the hallways, and it feels like such a ritual. Everything from the motions of taking everything away, not leaving a mark, the emotions, its just such a ritual of closure and it feels so definite.
I mean, it doesn't sadden me terribly because I can feel the energy from the great year that is about to come, and I get so excited. I feel like I'm ready for the decisions that are next and I want them, I want whatever is next to come, but, this part of my life...I'm finishing the chapter, writing the last sentence and I don't know how long before I go back and re-read it.
All happens for a reason and I finish happily. I finish with strength and confidence that I am not giving up, because I fulfilled everything to the best of my abilities and I think this has been the hardest but my best semester yet, So it isn't failure, it is simply embracing what I have gained and knowing that I was meant for more, or for different things and so I walk away happily :).

I walked on a ledge today

and I smiled because I was faced with myself, that little girl that I so utterly wish to protect and hold on to, because in a way I have never stopped being her and because of the situations in my life, I feel it is my duty to keep protecting her, because she was woken up to this life, way too early on....so I faced myself and this time I did not hide. I kept on walking and smiled because it was such a great little moment.
You know, most of us spend our lives thinking about what is next, or what to do, or we think about the future, or what we would change about the past, and so, this stops us from being in the present, we don't realize that every second gone, is never to come back and when we stop thinking, we "hate" ourselves for thinking about living and not actually living. These past weeks have been a test, a transformation of my feelings and ideas, and as painful as they have been, I have emerged and it fills me up with joy to know that it has been because of my faith and because of the wonderful people in my life.
And today, I caught myself stepping unto that ledge and walking on it trying not to lose my balance, and I realized that it had been done unconciously, that I was present in the moment and my heart simply desired to walk on that ledge. And, that is such a great discovery, because after all, I have not lost myself, I am not hiding, and, what a great little moment to catch myself at, and the best part is that that moment is mine (well I'm sharing it now) but, its a precious little moment that makes the relationship between my mind and my soul just... better.
... it is not that we deserve the things we are granted in our lives, it is that our actions determine whether we will be granted something or not, in other words...karma, and that, is a beautiful thought and it puts me at ease.

lent season is over!

Happy easter everyone
40 days of suffering and 3 pounds lighter, over!
I can have all the soda in the world I want again, and the best feeling is that I had it again, and I definitely still loooove it.
No but, beyond that, because that makes me sound really shallow,
I really enjoy the lent season because it puts things in perspective and makes me have a small glimpse into just how great Christ is and much I utterly believe and feel renewed and happy and joyous to know that I stand in his light.
I think that even if we don't have big celebrations or we find ourselves forced to be away from our families, we should nonetheless celebrate and know that we are all blessed and we are all greatly loved.
So yay to a great, cold, but great, easter :)

Oh man!

Women studies
Art History
French
& Stats
WATCH OUT BECAUSE HERE I COME!!!
Suuuuuuch a dork because I'm
soooooooo excited but it will be
ohhhhhhhh so good
:) :) :) :)

never

have my words been so useless, never have my words held no meaning, never have I understood that failed attempts are actually more of a victory.
I'd like to say that at least we are now even
but I'm not actually like that.
I will just take things as they come
and enjoy the fact that today I feel like dancing.

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for the moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with your crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
baby won't you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.
john mayer

song of the day

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

:)
There are situations in our lives that make us realize that indeed we are not perfect, we have it all yet, we are nothing but human and that right there, is a lot to say; we are simply human. In a sense I feel like I have hit rock bottom in many situations. I however am not depressed ready to hide myself from the world, I am not ready to cry and crawl under the covers hoping that time will pass faster than it already does. And, I wish that people would stop assuming what it is I feel, what it is I think, what my intentions are. Honestly, what you see is what you get, I am nothing more than what I present to the world. Anyway, I am simply learning, you know, many times people have told me, life may hurt you and beat you and come at you like hard punches, but it will not throw you to the ground, don't let it. I don't think I have, I am learning but I am also at peace with myself, I have followed my beliefs and I have stood for myself and if I let you think that I am weak, its because I would rather take the punches that betray my insticnt of compassion and in the end, I have not stopped being myself. I think our authentic self arises from the situations we encounter. We change, we grow and mature but our essence is always existant, that essence never changes and that is who we really are, no one and nothing can take that away from us. Unless we let them of course, my essence is beautiful and divine and that I am convinced about. So many people find the need to bring me down or try to blame me for situations that I cannot control and then they expect me not to hurt but, it does hurt, you cannot go out pouring anger to the world and expect people to understand you and have sympathy for you, it hurts them, I don't know how that idea is not clear enough for people.
ultimately, because I am human, I have made mistakes, and I know that my actions/words have hurt people, but I am not about to sit here and destroy myself for that, I feel confident that, even though it takes me a while to admit to those mistakes, I do, and I apologize. I do not want the past, however, I forgive everything that has happened, I want to forget and surrender to this continuing life, and have faith, above all just have faith.
I think our biggest problem is that we try to hide the fact that we all carry our hearts in our hands and all we are ultimately looking for is to love and be loved, to be given the opportunity to care for someone unconditionally and in the same way have someone take care of us.

it feels

like a fresh perfect morning after the storm. Everything smells of wetness, but the sun is out and you cannot help but smile because you know that anything after the storm will be good. I can't help but smile, its as if I have just woken up from a long dream, woken up to the most amazing life and I have nothing but excitement. I am so ready for what is to come.
I once heard that, when you wish for something, if you really wanted that something, you would already have it.
I want this, I really want this and so I think that I am being guided in this direction, and I just have to trust and do. And smile upon what is to come and so with this
I decide to leave Art and Design and pursue an economics major, and oh my goodness, how exciting it is :)
I think it takes a lot of courage to know yourself,
and patience to accept the truth
and love and passion to be fulfilled,
art cannot provide these for me
and although I may always be talented
I want more, I have more to give,
and I have faith, above all today, I have faith.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out
~ From the inside out- Hillsong United.

my mind went click

The truth is I need people more than I need myself. Not because I can't bare to be by myself. because I can, I have learned what independence means. Or because I need to share the approval of others, because I don't, that kind of gratification is nice, but not my ultimate desire. No, simply because it is human to want to be surrounded with people, because it is human to want to share and laugh everyday, and it brings me to my knees to acknowledge this, that I need people in my life. That we all need to care for others and have other care for us. We all need tenderness and giving and ultimately...peace.
It is a great wonder how...we can spend so long denying this to ourselves because that need is always there.
There is nothing wrong with being wanted or wanting to be there for someone
and there is nothing wrong with asking for help, in the end, when you look back, memories of people in your life are the things that will make you smile.
Mango madness snapple might make you smile too.
and dancing
and cookies
oh and coffee when you are tired
and pretty colors
and Faith in God too (I think I was indirectly talking about this)
and sleep too :)

...yeah...

And I will stroll the merry way
And jump the hedges first
And I will drink the clear
Clean water for to quench my thirst
And I shall watch the ferry-boats
And theyll get high
On a bluer ocean
Against tomorrows sky
And I will never grow so old again
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain

Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing
And I shall drive my chariot
Down your streets and cry
hey, its me, Im dynamite
And I dont know why
And you shall take me strongly
In your arms again
And I will not remember
That I even felt the pain.
We shall walk and talk
In gardens all misty and wet with rain
And I will never, never, never
Grow so old again.

Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing
And I will raise my hand up
Into the night time sky
And count the stars
Thats shining in your eye
Just to dig it all an not to wonder
Thats just fine
And Ill be satisfied
Not to read in between the lines
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain
And I will never, ever, ever, ever
Grow so old again.
Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
Sugar-baby with your champagne eyes
And your saint-like smile....

look at me, I'm happy

When i passed you in the doorway
You took me with a glance
I should have took that last bus home
But i asked you for a dance

Now we go steady to the pictures
I always get chocolate stains on my pants
My father he's going crazy
Say's i'm living in a trance

But i'm dancing in the moonlight
It's caught me in its spotlight
It's alright, alright
Dancing in the moonlight
On the long hot summer night

It's three o'clock in the morning
And i'm on the streets again
I disobeyed another warning
I should have been in by ten

Now i won't get out until sunday
I'll have to say i stayed with friends
But it's a habit worth forming
If it means to justify the end

dancing in the moonlight
thin lizzy

the things that protect my heart

I do believe that it is important to never let anyone doubt where we stand or how strong we stand especially when it comes to our faith. As long as you are at peace and you find your inner light shining through then you are following your faith with purpose. Especially as a woman, let your desires shine through, do not put yourself as second priority because life only works when you listen to that voice within you, that voice that requires trust and faith, but when you do, you have taken a leap and that must be cherished.
I know that God is smiling upon me because there is peace within, under all the layers of frustration and despair and worry and fear, I am at peace, meaning I am a reflection of his peace and his wisdom and he will carry me through, because i trust that this is embedded in my soul.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will hold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

wake me up

Wake me up when it's over,
Wake me up when it's done,
When he's gone away and taken everything,
Wake me up.
Wake me up when the skies are clearing,
When the water is still,
'cause I will not watch the ships sail away so,
Please say you will.
If it were any other day,
This wouldn't get the best of me.
But today I'm not so strong,
So lay me down with a sad song,
And when it stops then you know I've been,
Gone too long.
But don't shake me awake,
Don't bend me or I will break,
Come find me somewhere between my dreams,
With the sun on my face.
I will still feel it later on,
But for now I'd rather be asleep.
~norah jones

4945 Tinderbox circle manlius new york 13104

this house means the world to me. I have never been able to say, Wow, I belong here, this is where I should be, until I came to Manlius new york. It is the smallest town you have ever seen. Think of you know the little country town, where farms and fields dominate and you have to drive 15 minutes to the grocery store, or really anything worth seeing. Downtown is a cute little town that reminds you of the past, their historic society is incredibly important to them and the houses make you feel like you are in England or something, that is what Manlius is. This house was probably the penacle of my family's constant need to move. After being in Mexico I realized that I did not want to stay in the same place for a long time, I longed to be in another place, I longed for a change of scenery. I recently learned that really the only reason we moved back to the states, was because my sister and I wanted to go to college in the U.S. and not really monetary reasons, Actually money has never really beenn the issue, even though, each move has been better than the next, it was never about the money. I always held the belief that the main reason behind each move was money, but really, it was more for personal growth, for a betterment as a family and it worked. I think Manlius is the house that brought us really close as a family. For the first time, my dad is truly present in my memories, he is actually there and my mom and my sister and I created this dynamic trio, for lack of a better expression, where we depended on each other for everything. This house gave me the opportunity to branch out, and take leaps and discover myself and to laugh again. I reference this house to my very first home, it is almost the better version of it. It was big and with unnecessary rooms, but if felt cozy at the same time. It was in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in town, therefore it was really knew and it had a pool, a big pool. I remember one time walking into the pool supplies store and telling the guy what kind of pool we had and him saying, that's one of the biggest pools in the area....I always thought that was funny. The only think I disliked about this house, was again the plants, this time they were outside of the house though. Huge flower beds, three sort of steps of them surrounded the house, so that when spring came around, it became a family tradition that took an entire weekend to get mulch together and remulch all the flower beds, re-mat, take weeds out, plant new flowers and I planted lillies, white and red...but I got pink ones instead.
and so this house just taught me to love and to understand what true love is, what connections mean, to your inner self, to your family, to the place you live in and to FRIENDS. I gained some of the most marvelous friends ever, they are some of the most amazing, talented, kind, fun people I know and through them, my memories have been created as the epitome of perfection. This is the house and the time I would go back to if I could.

Toluca

I honestly have no recollection of any part of the address for the house, and it shocks me that I sit here trying to remember but I can't. This house taught me a lot, that last sentence may look weird, but I relate this house to maturity, to growing up, more importantly to waking up to reality. I found myself moving back to Mexico at a critical age. The age where you are trying to define yourself, and do not really understand who you are and what you stand for. I found my world changing from the way I carried myself to the life style that I was used to, to the language, to the friends, to the food, everything changed. I think this house made me go from stuck up and taking things for granted to being humble or learning what the word humble means. Even though I have no memory of the address of this house, I genuinly love this house. At the beginning I hated it it, it was cold, it had an ugly hideous color on the outside and a stupid ugly column made out of rock. The windows looked as if they were going to fall out and they were everywhere, this house honeslty had unnecessary windows. There was also a ridiculous plant garden in the middle of the house, with a sun roof over it. The sun roof however was lifted a bit so that when it rained, water would sip through the opening and invade our living room, I guess the architect thought that rain would be good for the plants, and the couch and the floor. Rain season was honestly not fun, we would have to put buckets out by this, I don't even know what to call it structure and rags and mops. Whenever we were somewhere else, and we saw that it started to rain, we would rush home, so we could prevent our living room from flooding. It wasn't just a simple flower bed though, it was a major structure, that was part of the house, it was so big that we had two trees inside the house. It was just incredibly weird and for the longest time I honestly disliked it. And then it started to grow on me. I spent some of the most memorable moments in this house and slowly, I started to care for the plants in the garden. I can feel the smell of lavender and lilac everytime I walked by and how much I enjoyed it. It felt like a very clean house, it always felt fresh, there was always sunlight coming in and although there was no heat in it, it felt warm, it felt cozy. It embraced and welcomed me and I think in a way, it was ok with me having a love/hate relationship with it. I'm sitting here, laughing at how ridiculous this house was, but if I could go back, I would.
I learned to view my mom as a woman, as an intelligent woman who can take on anything she wishes and be good at it. I think I always knew this about her, but she was so limited in the States, and hre she freed herself, she became herself again. And I love this house for that, I picture my mom just taking control over everything that happened in this house fully, nothing ever escaped her and she loved this house. You know its weird, because houses in Mexico are made of concrete, but as a structure/building, it felt the most unstable, it felt kind of fake and like it would fall apart immediatly. From the carpet, to the window, to the, just everything, it felt fragile.
I gained the most amazing friends during these years, I got in touch with a part of me that I adore, my heritage became incredibly important, I understood what pride for a country or for your own background really is and I loved it. I felt genuinly happy, liked I belonged there, even though I knew that it wasn't the best of life styles. It was rustic, it was earthy, it was real.
ridiculously funny and heart felt.

...oh I think i did...

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end


This song is even better if you've seen Music and Lyrics...you know what im talking about ;)