is it...

Karma!? maybe!!!
sometimes I don't believe I deserve all I get, sometimes things are dressed up as challenges and scary things, oh gosh thats terrible writing and vocabulary, but anyway the point is that in the end, these are great things and just to have the opportunity to have them should make us realize that there is someone who cares and who watches over us, always always :)

thiiiiiis weeeeeek

It can only get better from now on :)
I love the feeling of relief, its probably one of the most amazing feelings in the world, just like ahhh, relax, breath...love it.
It's like when you go to a pool and you get it and the water is so soothing and relaxing
maybe that's why I love swimming :)
I decided that perhaps I want to start actually exercising.
Im looking forward to this weekend lots and lots
and now Im liking school. Im attending CSU (cleveland state university) and I'm starting to thing I might actually want to wear the shirt, it doesn't compare to Michigan of course but, it's still nice and I like like a lot a lot my economics courses.
p.s. Im only attending CSU for the next six weeks, well now five yay!
I am ever faithful to U of M.

ana,

you were made for more than that, you very well know that
it's not about the ones who make you feel weak, because you know you are not, and it hurts, that the people you think will be there to support you and help you find a way, only seem to find your weaknesses, but even then... their words should not matter.
it should be about the opportunity, it should be about faith and it should be about surpassing one more challenge.
You know it seems like this life of mine, cannot be simplified, it seems like when I think it will get easier...it doesn't, I must work to simplify it, and its true, I did not ask for this, but, everything that I have already been through should remind me of the strength within and make me see that I am looked after and that it is only up to me from here on.
I think the hardest thing... is feeling like we are not good enough in the eyes of the person that we think we have to prove ourselves to, but...why should we have to prove ourselves? if in the end, its always about the bad, the things that we haven't done, the things that we are not taking care of... its never really about the things that we are already doing.
thats a lie though, the hardest thing is being able to rid myself of the guilt left in me for "not doing enough" and the anger I feel, I don't like those feelings, those feelings stop our inner beauty from shining through and revealing itself to the rest of the world.
Ana,
this is a time to learn, this is a time to challenge yourself and that's a promise :)

baby steps.

this town

is beginning to feel familiar, it's beginning to feel like there is real purpose for being here and like I'm about to make some great discovery about life or perhaps myself.
If I were to explain just how I live right now or basically the entire situation that I find myself in, I think you would find it far from normal or stable but I somehow, am not jealous of those who are able to go home to their parents and their own room, their own kitchen, their own garden and who sort of have it all planned out.
I think I long for that, for that stability because I hardly ever find it, but this situation is beginning to feel stable and good and fun. i don't think there is greater feeling than when we find purpose for our lives, even just for waking up.
I don't know if this makes sense to people but its so great to be able to look in the mirror and not be afraid of the image that stares back at you, it's so great to be able to look at yourself, to really look at yourself and know that there are a million things behind you holding you up. I think as a woman more than anything that security is so necessary and I think that the times that we are able to recognize beauty in ourselves, in and out, is when we see and feel safety and purpose in our lives.
And, finally for today, I was tallking to a friend the other day about the power of prayer and how even the smallest little worries in your life are necessary to pray about and to me its so amazing that other people are able to recognize this, that it is powerful :) I think that if there is that desire in your heart to pray or to just sit for a few minutes and recognize that power, that energy around you, you should find the time, it will only ever help you.

ahhhhh I'm BAck!

hiiii blog. how are ya
so sorry about not writing, i've missed ya, just as much as you've missed me
here is the thing though, my writing abilities rely on this thing called, the internet, this thing we've sadly come to take as granted and necessary for our lives to function properly. and really truly, creativeness relies on new technology??????
paper and pencil is no loonger good enough???
sadly for me, im gonna have to say yes to that one. I only feel like the words flow from the tips of my fingers when I can type, not when I can hold a pen.
I've said it many times and I still honestly believe that there is a need for a revolution, for us as a society to realize that we are better than the computers that we create, that our brains are so powerful that beauty would take over our world if we went back to a simpler life, where we actually recognized each other, not tried to guard ourselves with tv's, computers and all the funky gadgets.
Oh la,
Sooooo, Here are the things I've learned about...life...i guess...while living in Cleveland for the past three weeks.
1. I worry too much, about stupid little things, trust is lacking, I don't know that I understand how trust works, like, how does trust make sense in your head???? trust in anything??? Note: the bigger, more important things in life don't worry me at all, its the little things. Its like math, I get the super complicated things, but I always mess up on the simple adding and subtracting, you know what I mean?
2. I freakin' love going to Bob Evans and reading those little books they have about the past while I wait for my table. It's sooo great to learn about the past or about the year you were born.
3. It's awkward and sad when people recognize you whenever you walk into a restaurant or store because you go there way too often, but, like....there is really nowhere else to go.
4. trains used to scare the crap out of me, now I live in a town where trains go by every other hour, woohoo.
5. ummm...television sucks, I honestly don't like it, I don't understand the people that can sit hours watching tv and not get a headache, and so far these past weeks, I wake up no later than 10 am because otherwise I'll miss the Martha Stewart show....how terrible I've fallen.
6. I can sell shoes :) it's great fun, now I know that for sure one day I will own a business, perhaps not a shoe store but something.
7. Want an excuse for not going to the gym to workout? Have no address, they won't let you join the gym.
8. Boredom leads to short hair, short short hair. It's still cute hair, it's just way short.
9. I no longer enjoy going out to eat, it's become an everyday, every meal thing, not cool.
10. It's really not that bad, its a matter of sucking it up, its kind of funny sometimes, the kind of life I get to live, especially when my family is put in one tiny room...together...tiny room...togehter.... I can feel it getting better soon, I really can, except for the part where I get up at 6.30 every morning to go to school.
yay for cleveland.

what are you thinking about?

Like a ghost don't need a key
Your best friend I've come to be
Please don't think of getting up for me
You don't even need to speak
When I've been here for just one day
You'll already miss me if I go away
So close the blinds and shut the door
You won't need other friends anymore

Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home

If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home

And I arrived when you were weak
I'll make you weaker, weaker still
Now all your love you give to me

When your heart is all I need

Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home

If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home

Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be
When it's just you and little me
Everything is clear and everything is new
So you won't be leaving will you

Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home

If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home

~ don't leave home- dido.

here with me

I didnt hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
I dont want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
Ill do what I want
But I cant hide
I wont go
I wont sleep
I cant breathe
Until youre resting here with me
I wont leave
I cant hide
I cannot be
Until your resting here with me

I dont want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I cant leave this bed
Risk forgetting all thats been

Oh I am what I am
Ill do what I want
But I cant hide
I wont go
I wont sleep
I cant breathe
Until youre resting here with me
I wont leave
I cant hide
I cannot be
Until your resting here with me
~dido

to be invited

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will cahse after her loveres but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them (Hos. 2:6-7)

And then...

I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her. (Hos. 2:14)

...appreciate everything that you have, the sun early in the morning and the breeze at night, they are all gifts and I understood faith before, but now I feel like I know that which I understood (there is a difference) and to take that leap, to take that leap is absolutely amazing.

Oh la!

Well, its all just a little bit of history repeating.

mmm ready??? go!

It's been a long journey, actually...not that long
its been short but filled with it all, and the greatest part of all, I must say is knowing myself through the struggle, not settling for...I quit, or I am not enough, but knowing that there is something better on the other side of the bridge, so I will keep running, I will keep smiling and I will gather strength from within because that is where it all begins. From within, the desires and the dreams and the wishes that belong to me, that where embedded in me, are there for a reason and I will not settle and I will find my way and there is something amazing waiting.
The hardest thing to undersand for me has been, knowing how to balance those desires and beliefs with trust. Knowing that I ultimately have no control over things and that I need to know how to trust, that has been the hardest part. Giving in to trust has been such a hard challenge, but I think I'm there and let me tell you, that I'm understanding and that if I- the most impatient person in the world- have learned to trust, that you can too and once you do, beauty takes over.
This life is so much harder than they paint it to be, it has so much more than we think we can handle, but if we just trust... we find ourselves back in the utter faithfulness and a radiating light waiting to shine from within our soul...are you smiling at yourself? Bc, I can't seem to stop smiling at myself and this new found understanding.
I'm standing right where I want to be.

never stare at a pot of water waiting to boil

...because it won't...
The moment you turn around and prevent yourself from watching it...it will boil
and that is a fact...take it from me, the most impatient person in the world I know!

ay ay ay....I love saying that...ay ay ay
does it ever happen to you that you are about to start speaking about something and then you breathe in deeply and you exhale and you go...eh...not really worth it?

my hair smelled like cotton candy the other day and then I wanted some, so I ate marshmallows, but it was so not the same thing.
I like it when my room smells pretty, makes it harmonious.

I'll stop beating around the bush... I hate that expression, ha, ill stop going around in circles...better
you know what expression I really like, jack squat, haha, how funny is that! jack squat, delightful!
anyway, I'm about to go clean out my locker in the art school and the other day I cleaned out my mail box, my screen from fibers, I took the name of off everything that "belonged" to me here at the art school. I hugged my professors good-bye because I won't be seeing them anymore, not even in the hallways, and it feels like such a ritual. Everything from the motions of taking everything away, not leaving a mark, the emotions, its just such a ritual of closure and it feels so definite.
I mean, it doesn't sadden me terribly because I can feel the energy from the great year that is about to come, and I get so excited. I feel like I'm ready for the decisions that are next and I want them, I want whatever is next to come, but, this part of my life...I'm finishing the chapter, writing the last sentence and I don't know how long before I go back and re-read it.
All happens for a reason and I finish happily. I finish with strength and confidence that I am not giving up, because I fulfilled everything to the best of my abilities and I think this has been the hardest but my best semester yet, So it isn't failure, it is simply embracing what I have gained and knowing that I was meant for more, or for different things and so I walk away happily :).

I walked on a ledge today

and I smiled because I was faced with myself, that little girl that I so utterly wish to protect and hold on to, because in a way I have never stopped being her and because of the situations in my life, I feel it is my duty to keep protecting her, because she was woken up to this life, way too early on....so I faced myself and this time I did not hide. I kept on walking and smiled because it was such a great little moment.
You know, most of us spend our lives thinking about what is next, or what to do, or we think about the future, or what we would change about the past, and so, this stops us from being in the present, we don't realize that every second gone, is never to come back and when we stop thinking, we "hate" ourselves for thinking about living and not actually living. These past weeks have been a test, a transformation of my feelings and ideas, and as painful as they have been, I have emerged and it fills me up with joy to know that it has been because of my faith and because of the wonderful people in my life.
And today, I caught myself stepping unto that ledge and walking on it trying not to lose my balance, and I realized that it had been done unconciously, that I was present in the moment and my heart simply desired to walk on that ledge. And, that is such a great discovery, because after all, I have not lost myself, I am not hiding, and, what a great little moment to catch myself at, and the best part is that that moment is mine (well I'm sharing it now) but, its a precious little moment that makes the relationship between my mind and my soul just... better.
... it is not that we deserve the things we are granted in our lives, it is that our actions determine whether we will be granted something or not, in other words...karma, and that, is a beautiful thought and it puts me at ease.

lent season is over!

Happy easter everyone
40 days of suffering and 3 pounds lighter, over!
I can have all the soda in the world I want again, and the best feeling is that I had it again, and I definitely still loooove it.
No but, beyond that, because that makes me sound really shallow,
I really enjoy the lent season because it puts things in perspective and makes me have a small glimpse into just how great Christ is and much I utterly believe and feel renewed and happy and joyous to know that I stand in his light.
I think that even if we don't have big celebrations or we find ourselves forced to be away from our families, we should nonetheless celebrate and know that we are all blessed and we are all greatly loved.
So yay to a great, cold, but great, easter :)

Oh man!

Women studies
Art History
French
& Stats
WATCH OUT BECAUSE HERE I COME!!!
Suuuuuuch a dork because I'm
soooooooo excited but it will be
ohhhhhhhh so good
:) :) :) :)

never

have my words been so useless, never have my words held no meaning, never have I understood that failed attempts are actually more of a victory.
I'd like to say that at least we are now even
but I'm not actually like that.
I will just take things as they come
and enjoy the fact that today I feel like dancing.

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for the moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with your crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
baby won't you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.
john mayer

song of the day

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

:)
There are situations in our lives that make us realize that indeed we are not perfect, we have it all yet, we are nothing but human and that right there, is a lot to say; we are simply human. In a sense I feel like I have hit rock bottom in many situations. I however am not depressed ready to hide myself from the world, I am not ready to cry and crawl under the covers hoping that time will pass faster than it already does. And, I wish that people would stop assuming what it is I feel, what it is I think, what my intentions are. Honestly, what you see is what you get, I am nothing more than what I present to the world. Anyway, I am simply learning, you know, many times people have told me, life may hurt you and beat you and come at you like hard punches, but it will not throw you to the ground, don't let it. I don't think I have, I am learning but I am also at peace with myself, I have followed my beliefs and I have stood for myself and if I let you think that I am weak, its because I would rather take the punches that betray my insticnt of compassion and in the end, I have not stopped being myself. I think our authentic self arises from the situations we encounter. We change, we grow and mature but our essence is always existant, that essence never changes and that is who we really are, no one and nothing can take that away from us. Unless we let them of course, my essence is beautiful and divine and that I am convinced about. So many people find the need to bring me down or try to blame me for situations that I cannot control and then they expect me not to hurt but, it does hurt, you cannot go out pouring anger to the world and expect people to understand you and have sympathy for you, it hurts them, I don't know how that idea is not clear enough for people.
ultimately, because I am human, I have made mistakes, and I know that my actions/words have hurt people, but I am not about to sit here and destroy myself for that, I feel confident that, even though it takes me a while to admit to those mistakes, I do, and I apologize. I do not want the past, however, I forgive everything that has happened, I want to forget and surrender to this continuing life, and have faith, above all just have faith.
I think our biggest problem is that we try to hide the fact that we all carry our hearts in our hands and all we are ultimately looking for is to love and be loved, to be given the opportunity to care for someone unconditionally and in the same way have someone take care of us.

it feels

like a fresh perfect morning after the storm. Everything smells of wetness, but the sun is out and you cannot help but smile because you know that anything after the storm will be good. I can't help but smile, its as if I have just woken up from a long dream, woken up to the most amazing life and I have nothing but excitement. I am so ready for what is to come.
I once heard that, when you wish for something, if you really wanted that something, you would already have it.
I want this, I really want this and so I think that I am being guided in this direction, and I just have to trust and do. And smile upon what is to come and so with this
I decide to leave Art and Design and pursue an economics major, and oh my goodness, how exciting it is :)
I think it takes a lot of courage to know yourself,
and patience to accept the truth
and love and passion to be fulfilled,
art cannot provide these for me
and although I may always be talented
I want more, I have more to give,
and I have faith, above all today, I have faith.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out
~ From the inside out- Hillsong United.

my mind went click

The truth is I need people more than I need myself. Not because I can't bare to be by myself. because I can, I have learned what independence means. Or because I need to share the approval of others, because I don't, that kind of gratification is nice, but not my ultimate desire. No, simply because it is human to want to be surrounded with people, because it is human to want to share and laugh everyday, and it brings me to my knees to acknowledge this, that I need people in my life. That we all need to care for others and have other care for us. We all need tenderness and giving and ultimately...peace.
It is a great wonder how...we can spend so long denying this to ourselves because that need is always there.
There is nothing wrong with being wanted or wanting to be there for someone
and there is nothing wrong with asking for help, in the end, when you look back, memories of people in your life are the things that will make you smile.
Mango madness snapple might make you smile too.
and dancing
and cookies
oh and coffee when you are tired
and pretty colors
and Faith in God too (I think I was indirectly talking about this)
and sleep too :)

...yeah...

And I will stroll the merry way
And jump the hedges first
And I will drink the clear
Clean water for to quench my thirst
And I shall watch the ferry-boats
And theyll get high
On a bluer ocean
Against tomorrows sky
And I will never grow so old again
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain

Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing
And I shall drive my chariot
Down your streets and cry
hey, its me, Im dynamite
And I dont know why
And you shall take me strongly
In your arms again
And I will not remember
That I even felt the pain.
We shall walk and talk
In gardens all misty and wet with rain
And I will never, never, never
Grow so old again.

Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing
And I will raise my hand up
Into the night time sky
And count the stars
Thats shining in your eye
Just to dig it all an not to wonder
Thats just fine
And Ill be satisfied
Not to read in between the lines
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain
And I will never, ever, ever, ever
Grow so old again.
Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
Sugar-baby with your champagne eyes
And your saint-like smile....