ohh thee

at last, we find each other again...to tell you the truth I've been scared to come back and face you, which in a way means, that I fear facing myself. And, I guess I admit to it, the truth is, I fear my thoughts, I fear having to look at what I write and realize that its something that hurts, realize that for more than I would like to suppress it, my words would only talk about pain and an aching heart. As they say...better out than in and so it seems like the right time, the time to be sincere and the time to reveal to myself that no I am not as strong as I presume to be and that as much as vunerability is a weakness in my eyes, it might just be one of my biggest traits.
Vulnerability however, implies a comparison. You have to be viewed in the eyes of somebody as such...in this case, I've never liked to be viewed as vulnerable, but, does that not imply that I have been living to please others not myself? and if so, how and when did I compromise myself to such a situation?
I dont think that vulnerability has to be a bad thing, it is said that we should be vulnerable in the eyes of God because that is how we will walk to him and find love and support in him.
But it hurts to know that the person we aim to please the most, and not because we look for something in return, not because we expect to be reassured, simply because we believe that we owe our actions to that person...sees us as weak, as not ready for life, as perhaps and and strong as these words are, they may just be true...as not good enough.
It's crazy to think that as we grow up we are not affected by the things we don't see or feel. We believe that all that we ignore is because it isn't there, because it cannot touch us, yet, life is so complex, feelings are so complex and if only I could go back to the time were no one would see weakness in me, because, I would for sure, take notes on what I might have been doing right, and not for anyone else, but, for my own peace.
I think a bad sentiment, something that weighs on us is like a little tiny pebble in our shoe, we can keep walking, we can even run and ignore it for the longest time. Ultimately, however, it's still there and it can cause great damage, it can even ruin a sock...
Once I met a man that told me that through life I was going to face many difficulties and that I would struggle with this sense of duality...I never knew what he meant.
Now I see that I care too much about what people may think of me and my abilities and that my biggest fear is to be seen as weak in their eyes, especially when its someone who I care about, oh man... they should make pills for this :)