Daumier's Third-Class Carriage

Honoré Daumier was a French printmaker, recognized as one of the greatest caricaturist of the 19th century. His career was focused around the culture of the working class people, and, he was an essential part to the reconfiguration of popular culture and the undoing of the bourgeois hegemony that had been created around the working class. His work granted the voice of ‘the people’ center stage.
Unlike his contemporaries, artists like Manet and Caillebotte, who focused on the spectacle and grandeur of Hausmannization, Daumier emerged as a member of the lower- class and represented aspects of life for this social group in his work. Mostly known for his satirical work targeting political figures and bourgeois culture, Daumier takes on a somber attitude in his painting, Third-Class Carriage completed around 1862. His painting style, the reflection of his disinterest for bourgeois culture, is untrained and uneducated. Although the artist’s intentions are difficult to decipher, this painting is successful in articulating a realistic scene because he consciously strips his work of anything having to do with High-Art, presenting a clear depiction of working class life, as he knows it. His choice of subject matter grants us quite a unique and rarely seen perspective of life in Paris, France during the period of Industrialization.
Daumier received little training as an artist; his career was mainly focused on lithography and caricatures. As such, the Third-Class Carriage reflects the same stylistic techniques found in his caricatures. According to Scharf, author of “Daumier The Painter,” most of Daumier’s paintings were undated and unsigned. By comparing this painting to his lithographic works, however, a date can be estimated to the early 1860’s. This specific image was never actually finished, but corresponds closely to a watercolor of 1864.
Although Daumier never made a big name for himself in the art world, he was well known for his philosophical attitude. His imprisonment in August 1832 at St. Pelagíe for the creation of a caricature showing King Louis Phillipe as Gargantua, marked a definite change in his life. According to Elizabeth Cary, author of “Daumier’s Unconquerable Soul,” Daumier came out as an artist of stamp and originality, which reflected in his works. As Sharf explains, Daumier gave the world the poetry of the radicals not a mirrored image of the world the average bourgeois felt he owned. Thus, his work, along with the work of Courbet and Millet, reflects the beginnings of modern art; it rejected notions of bourgeois culture and worked against art critics’ expectations of the time.
In the Third-Class Carriage, Daumier speaks an invisible truth about urban life in the period of industrialization. When we imagine Paris during the later part of the 19th century, we imagine a world of spectacle and leisure. The ‘Hausmannization’ of Paris during the 1860’s re-invented the city into a well-organized modern metropolis. The wide boulevards, shops and tall bourgeois apartments characteristic of Paris today, were all the result of this transformation. New railroad stations connecting the city to the countryside provided the opportunity for weekend leisure. All Parisians, however, did not enjoy the new dawning in Paris and the benefits of development.
Daumier’s painting, for example, reflects a brutally honest truth of life for the working class, even when they traveled. He does not have to work hard at arriving at this truth, as a member of the working class he knows exactly what it looks like, but he does use stylistic conventions to portray his message better. The Third-Class Carriage speaks of no luxury; there is no room for the leisure in this image. It depicts a cluster of working-class people packed into what reads as a dirty train carriage. There is little movement; in fact most figures do not recognize that they are being observed; several of them are even turned away from the viewer. Unlike, The Uprising, completed in 1848, another painting by Daumier, which reads as dynamic and menacing to the conservative regime in place, this image is subdued. It gives us a world of anonymous figures that sit quietly, and suffer the discomfort of their travels silently. It is evocative because of the passive quality of the subject matter in which we realize that modernity does not better life for everybody; some people will always be socially and economically disfranchised.
Daumier’s background in lithography provided him with a different set of tools than those available to other painters. It is almost as if he attempted to translate a print-image unto a painting. The paint is laid in what can be described as a ‘naïve manner.’ The marks of brushstrokes are evident, especially in the black used to exemplify the old and ragged train carriage, as well as the worn hats, suitcases and clothes. Black lines outline the contours of the figures in the image. These lines are somewhat grotesque; they are thick and aggressive, only elevating the “primitiveness” by which we understand this image. There are brutal transitions from dark to light; the figures emerge from the shadows with a few hints of light touching their somber faces.
The abstract rendition of the faces lets us understand that these are all anonymous characters. Daumier modeled figures through shadows and changes in tonality, a technique that is impossible to imitate. His ability to close in on the figures while providing the viewer with a notion of anonymity and unimportance of their character is astonishing. Most of the figures in the image have the essential facial features necessary to create the proper illusion but if we look closely, they are almost mask like. According to Scharf, Daumier tended to model subjects in clay as models from which he would draw and paint. This is why his figures in the painting have a fleshy quality to them, as if their faces were easily malleable or as if they had been squeezed and molded into shape by hand.
The sienna tinted background is dull. It serves to articulate the plain walls and roof of the train carriage, while bringing the figures to the foreground. As Scharf expresses in his essay, “ The sun never shines in Daumier’s paintings.” Although a dramatic light illuminates the figures, the atmosphere that he creates in the image is melancholic. We need only look at the expression on some of the faces to understand their resignation. The scene provides a sense of the old and rustic. The emotion and sense of tragedy that is evoked in the image is created through the atmosphere that envelops the figures. By limiting his color palette to browns and blacks he creates a monotonous environment inside the cart only relieved by the light coming in through the window. The color on the benches and walls of the train cart are faded. The clothes on the figures look worn and faded, even dirty. Through this unusual technique– only paralleled by Courbet and Millet– Daumier’s power and originality in the arts comes form his ability to depict and create a clear understanding that what we are looking at is an image of working class people; we do not question it.
The painting is small in scale making the image intimate. By focusing on a very specific moment, time, and place, it begs the viewer to come close and observe the figures that make part of the image. The most interesting figure is the elderly woman in the center of the composition; she almost divides the image in half. She sits tiredly, yet her expression is somewhat dignified. Her eyes become the focal point of the picture as she invites us in with her gaze, emerging from the shadows and given center-stage by the soft light that illuminates her.
Social classes during the 19th century determined how people lived and interacted with each other. Modernization increased the standard of living for Parisians, but it also widened the wealth gap. People were distinguished and characterized by their occupations, education, dress and culture. All factors in this painting point to the characterization of working class people. These people were most likely workers in manufacturing, service industries, hand-crafters; they depended on wages and their physical skills. The figures seem to know and understand some kind of reality that the bourgeois individuals in Caillebotte’s or Manet’s paintings cannot even begin to comprehend. This is especially true of the elderly woman; her expression seems to suggest that she knows modernity does not bring leisure and comfort to everyone, even when traveling.
The Third-Class Carriage does not read as an image of leisure or provide a notion of individuals about to experience the world. During the 19th c. third-class carriages had five seats to each wooden bench. In comparison, first class carriages were comfortable, had plush armrests on the chairs and sat three people per bench. Second class travelers had soft seats but did not have armrests on their chairs. The display and marvel of modernization only reached so far; Hausmannization actually led to the eviction of the working class from the center of the city down to the outskirts. We can therefore imagine that these individuals could be making their way from home into the center of the city to earn their hourly wage.
It is interesting to notice that most of the men in the carriage wear top hats. A secondary effect of ‘Hausmmanization’ was the creation of a passive society preoccupied with appearance and consumerism. During the latter part of the 19th century, top hats were associated with the upper classes and understood as symbols of respectability. Top hats however, became popular among all classes, even work-men wore them. Their hats were simply made of inexpensive materials such as rabbit fur. In the midst of a society that was developing around the culture of ‘appearance’ it would not be far-fetched to suggest that these men are working-class people, and, they simply wish to pass-off as solid members of the middle class. This is especially articulated by the male figure sitting at the back of the carriage on the right side of the image. He looks directly at us. His expression is somewhat startling, as if he were desperately trying to pass-off for something he is not, knowing that he is being watched and his class standing is being questioned.
Another possible explanation for the top hats is that train fares ranged tremendously during this period. Many middle class people saved their money and traveled in third-class carriages. This is especially plausible when we observe the man sitting at the left edge of the composition. We only see his profile, but he looks pretty well put together; he reads as a respectable and content older man.
The Third-Class Carriage is a bleak depiction of life in 19th century France. By 1862, the year in which this image is believed to have been produced, Daumier was old and sick. As Heta Kauppinen explains in, “Aging in Art” the representation of the elderly in paintings is a powerful way to transmit messages of values, beliefs and convictions. As age and disease plighted Daumier, perhaps he aimed to transmit a message to younger generations of the injustices that came with the period of modernization. By portraying the stages of life, represented by the figures in the pictorial foreground, he creates this understanding. The boy sleeps pleasantly still untouched by the ways of the world. The woman to the left uninhibitedly nurtures her child who now depends on her to provide food and shelter. As a member of the lower class however, she will struggle to make a living and provide for her baby. Finally, we see the elderly woman who welcomed us as the viewer into her world, clearly aware of the inequalities that are perpetuated by the ideologies we hold and of the hardships of belonging to the lower-class tier.
The value in Daumier’s painting lies in his ability to create a scene that is pure and real. We could view The Third-Class Carriage as an artistically untrained painting with little merit. Most definitely, it is preposterous to think that this painting could have ever made it into the Paris Salon of the 1860’s. The choice of theme and stylistic qualities of the painting, however are precisely what give it merit today. This manner of painting is impossible to imitate and thus, it grants Daumier a solid place in the history of 19th century art. As such, this image should really be viewed as a powerful undertaking because it is a culturally untainted version of life in Paris for the working class. As an artist, Daumier was fortunate to be a member of the working class because this alone liberated him from any links to bourgeoisie ideologies and from traditional modes of representation. His background also entitled him to using the lower class as a theme for his work, because only a person that belonged to this class could properly represent ‘the people’ of 19th century France. Consequently, this image allows us to comprehend that Daumier was an essential part of the evolution of visual representation during this period.

Bibliography

Cary, Elisabeth. "Daumier's Unconquerable Soul." Parnassus. 4.5 (1932): 7-10. Print.
Clark, T.J. The Painting of Modern Life. Rev. ed. . Princeton, New Jersey: Princeton University Press,
1999. 23-30. Print. pg. 23

Fleck, Danita, and Linda Choy. "Social Classes." Paris in the Nineteenth Century . San Jose State
University , Web. 15 Dec 2009. .

Kauppinen, Heta. "Aging in Art." Art Education. 40.4 (1987): 42-51. Print.

Metropolitan Museum of Art. Honore Daumier: Third-Class Carriage. New York. 14 Nov. 2009.

Lay, Howard. “Realism and Revolution.” HistArt 271: Origins of Modernism. University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. 10.13.09

Scharf, Aaron. "Daumier the Painter." Burlington Magazine. 103.701 (1961): 356-59. Print.

Stegenga, Elizabeth . "City of Shadows- The Victorian Railway." The Victorian Railway. 01 May 2006.
Web. 15 Dec 2009.
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"Top Hat." Wikipedia The Online Encyclopedia. 08 Dec 2009. Wikipedia.org, Web. 15 Dec 2009.
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Image: Artstor.com Daumier's Third-Class Carriage.

How about some Art???

I have a deep and profound passion for art and culture because it speaks a universal language and it hides within it ample room for discussion and enlightenment. I believe that art is a direct reflection of the time in which it is created and a window into the mentality and emotions of the society that it represents. In turn, artworks are invaluable objects because they are a key tool to understanding the evolution of humanity’s intellect and creativity.

While earning my bachelor’s degree, I pursued a double major in Art History and Economics. By the end of my studies, I was able to see an overarching theme between the two disciplines. Societies are ruled by their economy which directly influences preferences, social classes, values and behaviors.In fact, I believe that this is more like a never-ending cycle, where culture and money feed each other continuously and that is how a social structure arises. All this is then reflected in the art of each time period. During my studies I was particularly drawn to Ancient Civilizations like Greek Art and Architecture as well as Mesoamerican Art. I also spent time studying New World Art like Spanish Colonial Paintings and maps. Lastly, and probably my favorite area of study is late 19th and early 20th century French Painting.

I enjoy nothing more than studying different theories on a single work of art and engaging in the different train of thought that the study of art provides for us. I hate thinking that after leaving college I no longer have the right to explore these ideas and keep expanding my knowledge on the subject.

I am, therefore, considering using this space to share my thoughts and ideas on different pieces of art, here and there. This will merely be opinion based on some research, not pure facts.

I just wanted to say that I welcome comments and ideas on any posts because any discussion can always be stimulating and lead to a greater understanding. I am really excited about the path this can take!

Time for a Social Commentary

We need to stop making places that make people feel special and important because humans are not responsible beings and they eventually start believing that they deserve it.

I went grocery shopping with my mom today to the most ridiculous store I have ever been to in my life. Grocery stores: in order to stand out and win more customers...you don't need to pull out a red carpet and exploit your employees...just label your aisles and be fully stocked...give me a savings card and I'm happy.

This store has:
people lined up every other aisle asking you if you need help with anything.
Once you are ready to check out, there is someone standing by the registers who asks you "are you ready to check out?" and wheels your cart to the next available register at which point another person takes over and takes out your groceries from your cart unto the small belt. Once there someone organized your groceries into bags. They then ask you if you need help on the way to your car while there is someone waiting on cue on the chance you say yes because they then take your cart, wait for you to drive your car to the store entrance and they place your groceries in your car.

Who's vision was this?????
Who ever decided that people needed this???

The result of this ridiculous experiment:
People behave like they ACTUALLY DESERVE IT. It was an absolutely disgusting show of arrogance and brute ignorance.
At some level, we all do it. It might even be possible to claim that it is human nature to want to feel superior to others. If we feel more powerful, then we are somehow more intelligent and more important than anybody else. This behavior, however, really only stems from our own insecurities and fear of inadequacy.

With that... if you spend your time going to stores and putting other people down to feel the thrill of power and prove that you are indeed 'better' therefore every employee at the Grocery Store should bow down at your feet.... you may need to re-examine your life, your goals and your motivations.

Just for giggles, allow me to share an example:

- As I was looking for my delicious marinated artichokes, there was a woman looking for some kind of canned vegetable. She found it but it was canned in two different styles. (Not that there was a big difference between the two...one was cultivated, one was not.) She was absolutely baffled by this and approached one of the sales clerk to ask him what the difference was.
Now...I am not an expert at grocery store jobs but I'm pretty sure that they do not sit these people down and have them memorize the difference between every type of product they sell in the store.
He, ooobviouslyyyy did not know the answer to which she replied..ughh, is Bill here??
I was so frustrated by this that I decided to move on to the baked goods aisle only to find this woman 5 minutes later by the registers, still trying to figure out the difference between the two. She actually made the manager bring out a book explaining the components of each product they sell and they had Bill go through it to see if he could figure out the difference between cultivated and non-cultivated.
First...it's canned food, it can't taste that much different.
Second... she probably carries a blackberry with her...google it.

Not long ago I read a book called The Art of Happiness. It is written by the Dalai Lama and Dr. Howard C. Cutler. One of the things that stroke me the most when reading this book, is the Dalai Lama's ability to be completely rational about human emotions and needs. Dr Cutler asks him at one point how he is able to relate to the humblest of people as well as to incredibly wealthy individuals and still make a deep connection with each of them.
The Dalai Lama replied that we are all humans. Strip us all of everything, money, race, class, even color and we are all human beings. When he greets others, he does not think of it as a meeting between Dalai Lama and rich investor...he sees it as human being meeting human being. He has the ability to look beyond the appearances and relate to the person within. I found this to be incredibly humbling and inspiring. He clearly operates at a different level but He explains that only when we are able to interact with each other in this manner do we open paths of communication and only then can we truly relate to each other in the way we were intended to do.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." - Dalai Lama

From the wisest of wise men: Alejandro Sanz

Lo supe siempre, eres fugaz
Siempre fue así de evidente
Siempre lo tendré presente

Lo sé, amor, que eres fugaz
Que te vas inevitablemente
Aunque yo me aferre
Con la fuerza de un millón de soles
Y me arranque con las manos el alma
Y aunque se sequen mi ojos de llorar
Sé que no puedo hacer nada de nada

Take me Out Tonight...

where there's music and there's people and they're young and alive.

I borrowed that line from The Smiths, in one word: Brilliant.
I think that if we could all be granted one wish for life, we would all want that...to always feel young, to always feel alive.

I moved to the Chicago area exactly 6 months ago. Being someone who has moved from place to place, I usually adapt pretty quickly to the change and I don't put up a fight. This time, however, I was miserable. Chicago was the last place I ever wanted to be. I saw myself moving to New York. For some odd reason, I just love being in that city, and I was in love with the idea of moving to an endless ocean of fascinating places waiting to be discovered.

Although Chicago seemed a distant runner-up to that dream, it's starting to win me over. I think that the summer sun is partly to blame for that but more than that, I realized that I want to be here because I want to be with the people I love.
This past weekend, I had a little get together with some friends. We went out for a fun dinner and then we went out for drinks and some quality dancing. I loved every minute of it. We did not make it to bed until 5 in the morning and I know that probably sounds really immature, but it wasn't.

I'm not sure I have the words to describe it but for a group of people that are going through so much change, looking for the right job, striving to prove that we are talented individuals and trying to find our niche in the 'real world' it felt like fantastic release. I did not feel time pass and at the same time I wanted the night to last forever because we were all happy. We were all smiling, no fear, no worries. WONDERFUL.
I have glimpses of everyone's smiling faces and I want to reach out and hug them all in these clouded memories to let them know that it makes me happy to have them in my life and to see them let go and live the moment. In the crowded scene and the blurriness of the night, I felt absolutely blessed. I may not remember everything that happened, everything that was said, but I remember the feeling.

I hope I'm getting the point across. I think what I'm getting at is that... I love those moments, when life is completely real, but we are able to separate ourselves from the moment to realize how great it is to be alive.

I can't wait for my friends to move here, for all of us to move to the city and create our own Chicago. I just can't wait.

Passion vs Practicality

We've all heard it before, we all know exactly what I am referring to when I say 'Passion vs. Practicality.' Yet, I know very few people who are brave enough to venture into the pursuit of their real and deep driving desires.

I refuse to believe that the purpose of life is to battle those deep desires so that we may fend for ourselves financially and feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. That is to say... I don't really admire the people that chose to be practical and work to pay their bills in a job that does not earn them the feeling of peace and happiness. The satisfaction from whatever they may find themselves doing really only comes from being able to say: I beat you this week, job! I am extremely accomplished and worthy because I got through it and I got to another pay check!! It may be produce a sense of fulfillment for a while because it feeds our ego and our idea of what perseverance is but... can these people tell me that they are really happy??? Do they not ache with nostalgia and disappointment when they think of the dreams they gave up? What happens at the end of your lifetime when all you can take with you are your memories and experiences, will the practical earn you a life well-lived?

I think pursuing a passion is for fools. It takes true courage. It takes the ability to forget fear and doubts, and that is never easy to do. If we think about it though, that's where we really prove ourselves. That's where the real test for perseverance exists. That's where 'how badly do you want it?' really counts.

I can't claim that I am a truly religious person. If someone asked me to prove to them that I believe in a God, I would not be able to show them that I donate money to a church or that I drag myself to church every Sunday. I, however, am incredibly spiritual. I do believe in a God and I have been raised in the Christian Doctrine so I would like to think that I do really believe in Jesus and the Virgin Mary. More than anything, I believe in destiny. I constantly ask myself, "Have my actions today taken me a step closer to my true purpose in life?." I therefore believe that God, whoever it may be to you, lives in everyone of us. We are a true reflection of Him, therefore our actions must always stay true to Him.

If that is true, that we are a true reflection of God, and if our passion for something... is so strong that we would give anything to pursuit it and if we dream of the day when we will be able to dedicate ourselves to it... isn't that passion then God's passion? Shouldn't we be listening intently to those desires because they are true in our nature???

This makes me think that yes pursuing a passion is a foolish act in this world. But it is even more foolish to deny it and settle for the practical path because we were not made to live in the practical path. We were made to make a difference in this world with a true intention and a true desire.

I'm not sure exactly where this idea comes from, I think it's from a poem but I think its fascinating and humbling to think that no matter where we are, what we are doing... we are standing exactly where God intended us to be.

Passion:
- Enjoying every day; living with purpose
- The Arts
- Spending time outside
- Learning how to love the people around me
- Staying true to my destiny

Run, Run, Run

I have to admit that I have NEVER been one for working out. At one point, my dad, who is an avid runner, had to drag me out to Fleet feet to buy a pair of running shoes. I actually have managed to convince myself that I am a pretty healthy individual because I eat fruits and vegetables, get lots of sleep and more or less lead an active lifestyle.

At my 23 years of age however, I start to notice why the phrase 'years are not in vain' is so popular. I can't bend quite as easily, I feel circulation problems wanting to make their presence felt and zero muscle strength. YIKES!!

This year will be different! In an effort to transform this body around and make a point about the fact that I am not a quitter (because I am not a quitter) I have signed up for a 5k run!!!
I am sooo proud of this little decision because it will be my very first 5k run and it honestly is a great way to make a promise to oneself to make a change. Not to mention that I paid $25 to sign up, no refunds.

I am in my second week of training and it's starting to feel like quite the challenge but I'm doing well, not giving up yet. I used to practice yoga pretty dedicatedly until I moved and could not find a good teacher. What I learned through my yoga practice is the importance of learning to listen to my body, feeling every muscle move, stretch, bend, really just becoming one with the body.

I think that being able to be in tune with what the body needs is very powerful. It feeds the soul and its good practice in willpower. So that's my goal, to not underestimate my body. Even if it's a short race...its a big step for me.

5k. July 15th. Downtown Chicago. Here I come, just watch me.

Who I've become...

I graduated from the University of Michigan this past December. I have to say that out of anybody I've known to graduate, no one else took it as seriously as I did. I planned a three-day celebration with an itinerary and everything. I picked out the perfect outfits for each party, each dinner, and for commencement ceremony. I had a bar crawl with clearly not enough people to be having a bar crawl, but I didn't care, I had the t-shirts made and that night I drank-up for the past four years of bliss I had had.

In my head, I did all this because I want to be able to look back in 20 years and still feel the excitement and utter pride that I felt knowing that I had worked sooo hard. I had used up every second always doing something, never cheating my way out of the opportunities that had been granted to me. I had devoted myself to every lecture, every book, every paper, and I finally deserved, if only for one weekend, to celebrate myself and the person that I have become.

I was in such a state of joy, I felt like the world was at my feet and that I was invincible and ready to take on absolutely anything. By late January I was set with a job in the Chicago area that promised the ability to say I was now working for a great financial institution and earning great pay. I jumped in full-force expecting to love it... or to love it enough to stick it out for a bit while I figured out what it was I really wanted to do with my life. As I studied through my Series 6, Series 63 and Insurance licensing I suddenly found myself taking part of a monstrous battle. I battled myself. I began to have what I like to call an 'early-20's life crisis' questioning my decision to be working for a bank. My questions, however, went farther. I questioned everything that our society values. Why do we all strive to have a job, buy a car, get married, buy a house...and essentially to build a life of monotonous repetition where all that really matters is the paycheck we receive every two weeks? I didn't get it and it made me angry, it angered me that no one during my college career warned me of this. It angered me that no one around me seemed to question it. It angered me that I couldn't just let it go and accept reality. I pushed through training hoping that this was just a phase and that I would find that motivation I felt for going into the real world during graduation weekend. It never came, instead I kept sinking into fear, anxiety, and insecurities. As soon as I stepped foot into my banker position I began to see a handful of practices that disregarded ethics and policies. In this industry, these actions are all justified by the phrase "business is business."

Here I pause to say that I do not judge anyone; there are people that have no problem doing whatever it takes to get to the top and it doesn't make them better or worse people. It simply makes them players of a game for power. I studied Economics, I fully understand what business is, what business does. I simply don't think I went to school to forget my ethics and my values the moment I enter the workforce simply because everybody else does.

Still, I pushed through. I hated waking up knowing that it was time to go to work. I hated the 'uniform' I had to wear and I hated the person I saw in the mirror. I saw my co-workers and supervisors performing a job, but not moved to make a difference or go above and beyond. I found this utterly depressing. I felt like I had lost sight of my desires and my dreams to give way for other people's dreams. I performed OK, I could do the job, I could convince myself to do the job but it pained me dearly to think that this was it for me.

Four months passed and after many tears of frustration, I quit... that word however has such a negative connotation. To quit is to fail, to quit is to not be strong enough or smart enough. To quit is to not show enough willingness to persevere. This weighed heavily on me, especially because I have a sea of people convinced that I will be driving a shiny new BMW by the time I am 25.

This is were the grace of God comes in however. After overcoming the fear of knowing how disappointed the people around me would be knowing that I had walked out on a dream job, I understood that none of that mattered. The only thing that mattered was me. Even if I made everybody else happy, I would never find peace because I would be disappointing myself by keeping a job that was not fit for me. Just to drive the point home, God found it necessary to show me that what I was doing was correct. The day I left, a co-worker lost her job for performing practices that went against company policies. This was not her fault however. The blame falls on the system that allows people to run banks without even attempting to change current practices. If it works and looks good on paper, why change it? The blame is on the pressure put on workers to perform at impossible levels unless they are 'brave' enough to turn to cheating their way to the top. I wish her all the best, I really do.

It's been a week and a half since I left and I already found that happiness and excitement I felt during graduation weekend. I forgot what peace and serenity felt like. I forgot what a spontaneous smile felt like. When people ask me what my plans are... I eagerly reply, I found a part time job and I have NO idea what I want to do with my life. Then, I smile ecstatically. I kept praying for peace and for things to just fall into place for me. They really have. I feel like the world is mine and I can do absolutely anything with it. This time around not being seduced by the name of a company or by the paycheck but truly finding something I can commit to for the rest of my life. Failure does not even register in my vocabulary because I didn't quit a great job...I quit a path of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. I can only be proud of that.

More than ever, I know that the person I am today is everything that I have left behind. My desire to strive and to devote myself whole-hearted to everything I do; my need to learn something new everyday and my hopes to make this a better world...This all comes from my years at Michigan. I don't ever want to forget that, I don't ever want to lose sight of that.

So, here I am...

Four and and half years of schooling at one of the finest educational institutions in the nation, what I like to think of as exciting and character-building experiences under my belt, some internship experience that is worth mentioning, and 4 months at a prestigious financial institution later... jobless, anxious about the future and what I fear the most, unprepared for the real world?

Quite honestly...I don't know what to do with all of this. It spins in my head over and over again as if somehow, my life could work itself out just by trying to fit all the pieces of the puzzle, but it doesn't. Not that I hold it against the whole world, but it seems like every person I ever encountered during my college career failed to inform me what life after college really looks like.
I have a lot of questions. Mainly...why do we all fall for this way of life, is it really human nature? No one is really willing to answer this, and my answer to that is... they're afraid to ask themselves: is this pattern for life we've so carefully structured into our years really satisfying?

I can't help but notice the existentialistic tone to what I am currently writing and although I am very deep in thought, I don't mean to sound hopeless. I truly do love life and even more so when I count all my blessings, but, I also can't help to notice that there is something terribly wrong with our society and the values that we hold high. I would hate to find that at the core of all human desires... I would find possessions... not personal experiences, not love, not friends but things, money...

So at 23, unemployed, apart from friends, from an independent life and very far from knowing what it is that I want out of life, how I'm going to get it and what job I will like enough to keep it as my everyday routine... this is my quest to find myself again, to understand why everyone is so freaking content with doing the same thing over and over again while being married to a paycheck, and to have an outlet to the thoughts that slowly consume me because maybe then I will find the answers I am looking for and maybe then I will be able to alleviate some of the anxiety I feel.

Honestly.... there has got to be a reason why I'm sitting in Waukegan, IL (yeah... ever heard of it...) so uncertain of the future and with little to no direction as to where to turn next. What is the lesson here???

Hmm... Must figure out.

Money attracts money

Sooooo I don't think this has anything to do with karma but I do believe that the universe behaves in strange ways and that everything happens for a reason. In a nutshell, every action has a reaction.
This is actually not a serious post, in fact, quite the opposite, quite comical but still...iiiinteeerestiiing, makes you wooonder!!??
So anyway...I am in Cleveland, Ohio right now which is where my parents currently live and where I am spending the last weeks of summer vacation before I go back to school and finish my very last semester.
Nothing much happens here in Macedonia OH, at least nothing terribly exciting which is why this is even mooore comical...it's the little things in life that make you happy and make you wonder about the ways of the world when you have a lot of time to waste.
I spent a lot of time with my dad today, we have a very strange relationship... I am very independent and ask very little from him but he is always there as my safety net in case I fall. We don't talk much when it's just him and me but we love going out on little outings. I think our conversations revolve around 3 major subjects. We either exchange jokes and sarcastic remarks about the people that live in this town (I know it sounds very mean but it's not, I promise.) We also love to talk about the different ways in which we think the world and especially our economy right now could improve or we like to come up with different businesses we believe would be successful- We come up with a whole business plan, how we would go about it and how long it would take for it to become profitable- Now that I think about it I should start taking notes, we have quite a few great ideas :)
But anyway today we went out and on our way home we stopped at t a movie vending machine. You pay $1 per day per movie and because my dad does not believe in spending any more money than he should we always get our movies from here. Sometimes the selection is pretty limited, but we still watch them because he doesn't see why he should go and spend more if we can still obtain quality entertainment for just $1... One day this couple waiting in line in front of my dad told him about this promotional code and if you use it, you don't have to pay for the movie, it just vends it out for free! So he very excitedly tried it today and it worked!!! haha, my dad could not get enough of it he was sooo proud of himself for having saved the $1.07 for his movie and he almost took it as finally...I saved money... even if it was just $1.07. I have to say I gave him props.
Later on I decided I needed a Big Mac (my biggest weakness, you can pretty much bribe me and get anything you want from me in exchange for a Big Mac.) So we went through the drive thru and when the lady gave my dad back his change she must have not been paying attention because she handed us back $2 extra than she should have. WE were going to do the right thing but no one ever came back to the window and my dad decided that he was going to keep it. As we pulled out of the parking lot we both looked at each other and were hit with this epiphany, the world wanted us to have money today! All the signs were there! how lucky we had been to have saved/earned 3 dollars in one day!!!???
So...yup, exactly that, I know you're thinking the same thiiiing... We were NOT going to waste this opportunity, we went to the grocery store and bought a lottery ticket because when you are having a lucky day it means that everything in the universe is behaving in strange ways to benefit you AAAAAaaaaaandd... money only attracts money.
And that should make you smile :)

I will keep you posted on whether or not we win ;)

there is something about the sun

It makes me want to write. Mmmm, it makes me want to smile, and I don't just mean smile, but smiiile, where you feel it in your cheeks and where you cannot keep your lips together, you just feel the need to spread them and laugh and smile until it hurts, there is something about the sun that makes me realize just how great it is to be alive and feel like you are alive, like you are a living breathing organism, that sounds so scientific, but it so true. I think one of the best things in the world is when you realize that you are infact this complicated system of little parts that make you up...sublime.
I do not know why I no longer find time to write. I do not know why I no longer take the time to observe and have those curious moments I used to write about. I miss that, I really do. It's not that they don't happen but I have a tendency to focus too much on things that only cause me worry. I wish I could find the cure for that. I think that we only ever feel like we are alive when we find the time to do the things we really like, or when we find that we have purpose for something, not just passing classes and memorizing formulas that will not help you in the really important moments of our lives.
I have been reading this book, it is called, The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende, I highly recommend it. It goes through generations of the same family and basically, it talks about the wonders of life, the unexpected and about love. Pretty much after each chapter the first thing that comes into your mind is...huh...what are the odds!?
I highly recommend it.

I am still utterly in love with David Gray, I think he is one of the best artists out there and I don't think I will ever grow tired of listening to his songs and wise little phrases that say more than a whole book could.

So here is the thing about

me. I used to think that everybody else dealt with problems except for me. I used to thing that people were fools to view life as this problematic journey of complexity and adversity because it only meant that they were not enjoying their life and that, whatever they were dealing with could not be THAT terrible.
I was in denial...she says confidently...not. the truth is people, I suffer from denial, I refuse to see that there is anything bad going on in my life because when I face it it hits me like a 1000 bricks and the worst part of getting up...is falling down.
I however, am a recovering denialist :) I think I just made up a word, but you know what I mean, the point being, I learned the lesson about myself.
It sadly took about a month but I did. I see that turning your back to what might hurt you, only weakens you. It's like not excercising, its not only bad, but it actually worsens your physical health. And, I have years of denial behing me where I did not train myself to deal with the problem and the pain until in cornered me. Silly Ana is quite silly isn't she. I discovered that I need to retrieve and deal with it on my own, if there is one great thing about me (arronant I know) is that I have an incredible connection with my inner self. I don't make a move without consulting with my inner self, It's quite amazing really, I live in my body and that might sound stupid to some, but really, how many people do you know that dont feel like 2 people, themselves and their body?
So i listened to my body's need, my souls need and I ended up seeking, but more than anything this week I found the glorious gift of being sought. Of putting myself out there and saying, I am seeking, I refuse to be in denial but I also refuse to believe that there is no way out and that there is nothing better than worrying and complaining and...it worked. there are absolutely no words to be able to describe these sentiments, there are no words to describe the feeling of finding myself again, and to know that I am picked, that just like I seek, I am being sought. And what a great word...seek.
It has got to be one of my favorite words in the whole entire world.
I would advise you...not push you...but advise you to understand that word fully and find a way to make it a part of your world, ask to be sought, see what happens... :)

ohh thee

at last, we find each other again...to tell you the truth I've been scared to come back and face you, which in a way means, that I fear facing myself. And, I guess I admit to it, the truth is, I fear my thoughts, I fear having to look at what I write and realize that its something that hurts, realize that for more than I would like to suppress it, my words would only talk about pain and an aching heart. As they say...better out than in and so it seems like the right time, the time to be sincere and the time to reveal to myself that no I am not as strong as I presume to be and that as much as vunerability is a weakness in my eyes, it might just be one of my biggest traits.
Vulnerability however, implies a comparison. You have to be viewed in the eyes of somebody as such...in this case, I've never liked to be viewed as vulnerable, but, does that not imply that I have been living to please others not myself? and if so, how and when did I compromise myself to such a situation?
I dont think that vulnerability has to be a bad thing, it is said that we should be vulnerable in the eyes of God because that is how we will walk to him and find love and support in him.
But it hurts to know that the person we aim to please the most, and not because we look for something in return, not because we expect to be reassured, simply because we believe that we owe our actions to that person...sees us as weak, as not ready for life, as perhaps and and strong as these words are, they may just be true...as not good enough.
It's crazy to think that as we grow up we are not affected by the things we don't see or feel. We believe that all that we ignore is because it isn't there, because it cannot touch us, yet, life is so complex, feelings are so complex and if only I could go back to the time were no one would see weakness in me, because, I would for sure, take notes on what I might have been doing right, and not for anyone else, but, for my own peace.
I think a bad sentiment, something that weighs on us is like a little tiny pebble in our shoe, we can keep walking, we can even run and ignore it for the longest time. Ultimately, however, it's still there and it can cause great damage, it can even ruin a sock...
Once I met a man that told me that through life I was going to face many difficulties and that I would struggle with this sense of duality...I never knew what he meant.
Now I see that I care too much about what people may think of me and my abilities and that my biggest fear is to be seen as weak in their eyes, especially when its someone who I care about, oh man... they should make pills for this :)

eres para mi

eres para mi, me lo ha dicho el viento,
eres para mi, lo oigo todo el tiempo,
eres para mi

la sombra que pasa,
la luz que me abraza
tus ojos mirandome,
la calle que canta su canto de diario,
el mundo moviendose,

is it...

Karma!? maybe!!!
sometimes I don't believe I deserve all I get, sometimes things are dressed up as challenges and scary things, oh gosh thats terrible writing and vocabulary, but anyway the point is that in the end, these are great things and just to have the opportunity to have them should make us realize that there is someone who cares and who watches over us, always always :)

thiiiiiis weeeeeek

It can only get better from now on :)
I love the feeling of relief, its probably one of the most amazing feelings in the world, just like ahhh, relax, breath...love it.
It's like when you go to a pool and you get it and the water is so soothing and relaxing
maybe that's why I love swimming :)
I decided that perhaps I want to start actually exercising.
Im looking forward to this weekend lots and lots
and now Im liking school. Im attending CSU (cleveland state university) and I'm starting to thing I might actually want to wear the shirt, it doesn't compare to Michigan of course but, it's still nice and I like like a lot a lot my economics courses.
p.s. Im only attending CSU for the next six weeks, well now five yay!
I am ever faithful to U of M.

ana,

you were made for more than that, you very well know that
it's not about the ones who make you feel weak, because you know you are not, and it hurts, that the people you think will be there to support you and help you find a way, only seem to find your weaknesses, but even then... their words should not matter.
it should be about the opportunity, it should be about faith and it should be about surpassing one more challenge.
You know it seems like this life of mine, cannot be simplified, it seems like when I think it will get easier...it doesn't, I must work to simplify it, and its true, I did not ask for this, but, everything that I have already been through should remind me of the strength within and make me see that I am looked after and that it is only up to me from here on.
I think the hardest thing... is feeling like we are not good enough in the eyes of the person that we think we have to prove ourselves to, but...why should we have to prove ourselves? if in the end, its always about the bad, the things that we haven't done, the things that we are not taking care of... its never really about the things that we are already doing.
thats a lie though, the hardest thing is being able to rid myself of the guilt left in me for "not doing enough" and the anger I feel, I don't like those feelings, those feelings stop our inner beauty from shining through and revealing itself to the rest of the world.
Ana,
this is a time to learn, this is a time to challenge yourself and that's a promise :)

baby steps.

this town

is beginning to feel familiar, it's beginning to feel like there is real purpose for being here and like I'm about to make some great discovery about life or perhaps myself.
If I were to explain just how I live right now or basically the entire situation that I find myself in, I think you would find it far from normal or stable but I somehow, am not jealous of those who are able to go home to their parents and their own room, their own kitchen, their own garden and who sort of have it all planned out.
I think I long for that, for that stability because I hardly ever find it, but this situation is beginning to feel stable and good and fun. i don't think there is greater feeling than when we find purpose for our lives, even just for waking up.
I don't know if this makes sense to people but its so great to be able to look in the mirror and not be afraid of the image that stares back at you, it's so great to be able to look at yourself, to really look at yourself and know that there are a million things behind you holding you up. I think as a woman more than anything that security is so necessary and I think that the times that we are able to recognize beauty in ourselves, in and out, is when we see and feel safety and purpose in our lives.
And, finally for today, I was tallking to a friend the other day about the power of prayer and how even the smallest little worries in your life are necessary to pray about and to me its so amazing that other people are able to recognize this, that it is powerful :) I think that if there is that desire in your heart to pray or to just sit for a few minutes and recognize that power, that energy around you, you should find the time, it will only ever help you.

ahhhhh I'm BAck!

hiiii blog. how are ya
so sorry about not writing, i've missed ya, just as much as you've missed me
here is the thing though, my writing abilities rely on this thing called, the internet, this thing we've sadly come to take as granted and necessary for our lives to function properly. and really truly, creativeness relies on new technology??????
paper and pencil is no loonger good enough???
sadly for me, im gonna have to say yes to that one. I only feel like the words flow from the tips of my fingers when I can type, not when I can hold a pen.
I've said it many times and I still honestly believe that there is a need for a revolution, for us as a society to realize that we are better than the computers that we create, that our brains are so powerful that beauty would take over our world if we went back to a simpler life, where we actually recognized each other, not tried to guard ourselves with tv's, computers and all the funky gadgets.
Oh la,
Sooooo, Here are the things I've learned about...life...i guess...while living in Cleveland for the past three weeks.
1. I worry too much, about stupid little things, trust is lacking, I don't know that I understand how trust works, like, how does trust make sense in your head???? trust in anything??? Note: the bigger, more important things in life don't worry me at all, its the little things. Its like math, I get the super complicated things, but I always mess up on the simple adding and subtracting, you know what I mean?
2. I freakin' love going to Bob Evans and reading those little books they have about the past while I wait for my table. It's sooo great to learn about the past or about the year you were born.
3. It's awkward and sad when people recognize you whenever you walk into a restaurant or store because you go there way too often, but, like....there is really nowhere else to go.
4. trains used to scare the crap out of me, now I live in a town where trains go by every other hour, woohoo.
5. ummm...television sucks, I honestly don't like it, I don't understand the people that can sit hours watching tv and not get a headache, and so far these past weeks, I wake up no later than 10 am because otherwise I'll miss the Martha Stewart show....how terrible I've fallen.
6. I can sell shoes :) it's great fun, now I know that for sure one day I will own a business, perhaps not a shoe store but something.
7. Want an excuse for not going to the gym to workout? Have no address, they won't let you join the gym.
8. Boredom leads to short hair, short short hair. It's still cute hair, it's just way short.
9. I no longer enjoy going out to eat, it's become an everyday, every meal thing, not cool.
10. It's really not that bad, its a matter of sucking it up, its kind of funny sometimes, the kind of life I get to live, especially when my family is put in one tiny room...together...tiny room...togehter.... I can feel it getting better soon, I really can, except for the part where I get up at 6.30 every morning to go to school.
yay for cleveland.

what are you thinking about?

Like a ghost don't need a key
Your best friend I've come to be
Please don't think of getting up for me
You don't even need to speak
When I've been here for just one day
You'll already miss me if I go away
So close the blinds and shut the door
You won't need other friends anymore

Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home

If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home

And I arrived when you were weak
I'll make you weaker, weaker still
Now all your love you give to me

When your heart is all I need

Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home

If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home

Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be
When it's just you and little me
Everything is clear and everything is new
So you won't be leaving will you

Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home

If you're cold I'll keep you warm
If you're low just hold on
Cause I will be your safety
Oh don't leave home

~ don't leave home- dido.